By  Mandy Traut, MA, LMHC

My friend and role-model, Allena Gabosch, Director of Center for Sex Positive Culture in Seattle WA, looked squarely over the dinner table and eloquently stated, "You are part of a sexual renaissance here in Seattle."  She acknowledged my sex-positive credo and work as a licensed mental health counselor in the community.  She recognized my own passion in guiding others to their own sexual freedom and personal truths and acknowledged my own personal and professional journey.  I felt welcomed and regarded and was truly grateful for that moment. Per an article written in the “The Examiner” as of January 7, the CSPC is a
10,000 square foot space with enough room to both socialize and live out your
fantasies. Having grown immensely since its inception in 1999, CSPC now boasts
over 11,500 members. “ (Retrieved from http://www.examiner.com/article/sexpositive-seattle, on May 17, 2013)

I remember the first time I attended a CSPC orientation. I had just come back from
a vacation that literally changed my life. I had discovered swinging and a level of
human openness I never thought existed. To my husband and I, CSPC looked like a
warehouse (from the outside) - a hole in the wall - that was undetectable unless you
knew where to look. I must admit, I was still very "vanilla,"  and the place and the orientation
freaked me out. My husband and I left without signing our membership. We literally
analyzed the pros and cons of becoming members for the next 7 days. It was a big
decision - a turning point in our lives as a couple. Suffice to say, we became CSPC members. We spent the next month attending their Monday Madness event and networking with members on their social network site, Center Space.  We were overwhelmed by the way people welcomed us in and seemed to take such a liking to us. Prior to this phase in our lives, we stayed very much to ourselves. We were either isolated or with immediate family. This was a whole new world for us.

As we soon found out, it was only the beginning of an amazing journey. Skip to present day:  It has been two major cycles of growth later. We realize that we are swingers and evolving kinksters.  My husband has tapped into aspects of himself he did not know was there. We are both very empowered in our own unique ways.  Two years ago, we initiated couple’s counseling for the first time.  We hoped to work through the major life transition we encountered.  We did.  We are better communicators, listeners, and friends.  For me, it is not just personal.  I had already had my license in mental health counseling coming into this world.  With this new found life, I discovered a fire in me that burned brighter and longer than the North Star!  I wanted to serve others in my community.  We are unique in that we appreciate and explore all communities.  In that way, we have become a bridge
for all communities in the alternative lifestyles arena.  In my professional life, I carry this unique perspective with me.  Like Allena, I advocate for sexual freedom and freedom of choice – as long as there is mutual consent. I fancy myself a social advocate – as well as a therapist.

To Allena, thank you for recognizing my place in the community. Lastly, you are right, us sex-positive advocates, practitioners, and therapists ARE part of a sexual Renaissance.  Just like the Renaissance of the Romantic Period, I aim to make waves and push people’s boundaries – if only a little bit at a time.  And to think – I may not even be writing this if it weren’t for the “little hole in the wall”  – CSPC -  and the community that turned out to be our first stop along the yellow-brick road along our sexual and Self journeys.

Charlie Glickman comes to town March 2nd. He's and expert at helping people create happy, fulfilling sex lives. I hope you'll check this out.

~~Celia

Getting communication right is tough.  Here are Sar Surmick's suggestions on doing it better. We're very excited to have him presenting for us next Thursday and Saturday.  ~~Celia

Communication is one of the hallmarks of both the Polyamory and Kink Communities. You
can’t swing a cat-o-nine tails without hitting some conversation about what makes up good
communication. And that’s a good thing. The more people learn to talk with one another, to
negotiate effectively, and to listen, the more our communities benefit.

But how do we communicate in small groups? What happens when there are five of us that need to make a decision together? Where do we learn those skills? Unfortunately, most of us learned to talk in small groups from our parents, our teachers, and our bosses. The thing all of these have in common is a power differential; the person speaking has power over the people listening, sometimes a lot of power.

How many times have you had a group discussion that devolves into nothing more than a
shouting match, or cold silence? Have you sat in a group, patiently waiting your turn to bring
something up, only to find the end of the meeting comes first? How about bringing up a good point, only to have someone else say, “Yes, but…” These outcomes, and many others, happen around the belief that the person speaking holds the power. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

There are ways for people to sit down together to have authentic communication that builds
connection instead of setting up competition. The first comes from understanding that small
groups are different, in part because they are made up of all the people involved. Any group that comes together, becomes more than the sum of its parts.

When communicating in small groups, here are some important things to remember:

• It’s about having power with people and building partnership, not trying to seize power.
• Each person brings what power they can to the group to create something more than they could make on their own.
• Everyone in the group deserves a chance to speak and be heard. Give everyone a chance to speak their truth, listen while others speak theirs, and allow silence, even when it’s uncomfortable.
• Groups have their own rules, benefits, and pitfalls. An important part of group development is making sure those rules, benefits, and pitfalls are all agreed upon.
• Communication includes both verbal and non-verbal information, and lots of both.
• What someone says is only part of the story. How they say it, what their face looks like, how they’re sitting, etc. also tell a lot.

Impact in groups is non-linear. What you say to one person can, and often will, impact
others in the group, sometimes in ways never considered, much less intended. The
same is true for non-verbal signals. And though it takes time, making space for those
unintended impacts can open amazing opportunities for learning and understanding.
Groups react as a system influencing the course of the conversation, who speaks and
who doesn’t, and how people feel about the interaction. The whole of the group is more
than the sum of the individuals involved, and sometimes it will react in ways that no one

intended. To put it another way, if there is blame, then the group as a whole takes that
blame; if there is joy, then the group as a whole shares that joy.

Most of the time, when we get caught in a group, we just ride out the wave until we either make it back to shore or get dunked. But I think there is another way. If nothing else, remember that working in groups is a skill all its own, one not taught in most schools. It takes practice, trial, and occasionally error to learn and get better at it.

If you want to learn more about authentic small group communication, there are two workshops coming up:
An Introduction to Small Group Communication - Thursday Nov. 8th – 7:00-9:00pm
An All Day Workshop in Effective Small Group Communication - Saturday Nov. 10th –
10:00am-6:00pm

- Sar is a Marriage and Family Therapist in Redmond WA. He specializes in working with
Polyamorous Folk, LGBTQ Youth, Kinky Folk, and identity issues. Outside of the therapy room, Sar presents discussions on sex, sexuality, small group communication, and identity. He can be reached at: www.significantconnections.com

My intro:
Today’s blog is by Bendyogagirl and is about submission.  Whether you are new to submission or you submit (or receive submission) every day of your life, I suggest you take a look at Bendy’s Suggestions for Submission~~
Celia
~~~~~~~~~~

• Know that at our core, each and every one of us is worthy of love, respect, compassion.  This includes those who wish to be degraded and humiliated, those who wish to degrade and humiliate and the ones with whom you disagree.
• Know that what works for you is right for you, and it may not be right for someone else.
• There's so much time.  Take it.  Enjoy it.  Savor each morsel of play and conversation.   If someone is worthy of you, they will take the time with you.  
• Be responsible for your own feelings and emotions.   
• This is one of the few non-negotiable standards I hold for all of my adult relationships, meaning...  if I'm negotiating with someone and they can't agree to this, I walk. There is some discussion here which might help illuminate how personal responsibility around feelings maps to relationships.  
• Have an overt conversation about consent and what it means to you, so your partner can honor it.  Do the same in reverse.   Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat. Consent has to do with giving permission - it is not about asking for forgiveness. If you find yourself being asked for forgiveness or asking for forgiveness...communicate more and deeper. Consent is hot.
• There's a difference between therapy and something being therapeutic.  
• In my opinion, WIITWD (What It Is That We Do aka bdsm play) can be therapeutic, and that's amazing.  That said, if you are looking to your play/relationships to fix something in your life which is holding you back from your highest good, also find a therapist.  What I mean by that is, if you have a food addiction, finding a Dom to tell you what to eat isn't going to change the fact that you have the addiction - that requires other work.
• Know your why.  What's the reason you are considering this person, or this activity?  "I don't know" is perfectly acceptable as a reason, and if that's the case, share that with your partner.  Being honest about your why does mean you will be vulnerable with the person you’re with. Vulnerability is a very powerful space. Oh, PS:  This goes for tops as well.

Hereʼs a question for you:

What makes sex satisfying or important to you?

• A. Orgasm or physical pleasure
• B. Connection with your partner
• C. A big, hard erection
• D. Your partnerʼs pleasure
• E. Some combination of all of the above

I ask this question because almost no one answers exclusively “A big, hard erection!”and yet so much emphasis is put on erections in male sexuality. It seems that we have set up a system that assumes erections are vital to having good sex when in fact they are usually a secondary factor for most people.

1 in 10 men over the age of 21 have erection difficulties (web MD) and by age 45 most men have experienced some form of erection issues (medicinenet.com). This means the majority of male bodied people will experience erection issues at some point (or several points or a sustained period of time) in their lives. So why arenʼt we talking about this and why donʼt we hear more about how to navigate sex without relying on erections?