We are born sexual beings. From the time we are born to the day we die, erotic energy and sexuality is a part of our life. Even the absence of sex and erotic energy it is still a part of our life.
When we’re young, if we’re lucky and live in a sex positive world, we have the freedom to explore our bodies and our erotic energy as soon as we discover that certain things make us feel good. I remember my first conscious orgasm. I was in the 4th grade on the playground climbing a rope. When I got to the top, this amazing intense pleasurable feeling almost knocked me off of that rope.
When I went home that night I used my hands to replay that feeling. I masturbated almost nightly until I realized that I was probably committing a sin (I was raised fundamentalist) because touching myself “down there” was wrong.
My celibacy lasted about a month before I was right back at it. I shared a room with my little sister and brother, so I instinctively knew to be quiet. Sadly that quiet colored my sexuality for years. It wasn’t until a partner asked me if I was enjoying myself that I realized that sexuality also could be loud. And I have made up for it ever since.
Being a young hippie girl in the early 70’s meant I embraced the “free love” movement with a vengeance. I’ve never looked back. I explored and played and made love and just fucked many amazing (and some not so amazing) people over the past 40+ years that I’ve been sexually active. When I found this kinky sex positive community it got even better. I was able to explore new things that had always been in the back of my mind, like bondage and SM.
Now I’m 63. With age comes a whole new approach to sex and erotic energy. I’m not as instantly ready to play as I used to be.
Not only has my desire waned some, so have my abilities. My body aches in areas it never ached before. There’s the wonderful dryness that comes with menopause. And I just don’t bend the way I used to.
While I haven’t stopped, I’ve learned to adapt. My sexuality has become more thoughtful and a bit less crazy and it’s still fulfilling and amazing.
People my age and older are staying more sexually active than ever before: due to healthier lifestyles, advances in medication (ie: Viagra and vaginal lubricants) and the realization that we don’t have to stop being sexual. In fact, sex can be enjoyed much later in life than we’d ever imagine.
And when you add kinky sex to the mix it is even easier to continue, since many of the kinky things we do don’t require body parts fitting into other body parts.
Currently our oldest member is in their early 80’s. Up until a few years ago, when he passed away, our oldest member was in his mid 90’s. He was an amazing guy, who loved to cross-dress and he played up until a few years before he passed.
I fondly remember the last time I saw him play. He had on a sexy lacy bra and panties (and men’s sneakers because his feet hurt) and was joyfully receiving a spanking from a sexy younger dominant woman. He was in his element and it made me so happy to see him so happy.
A friend told me about her first experience at the Center where she watched a completely naked woman over 70 being shocked with a violet wand. It was beautiful and made her realize that she could be as sexual as long as she wanted.
These are just two great examples of how sex is a lifelong component of personhood. For many of us sex and erotic energy are critical to our health and well-being and the longer we can keep going the better for us!
Allena Gabosch is the Development Director of the Center for Sex Positive Culture, and has been expanding the boundaries of sex positivity in the Pacific Northwest for decades.
This is the 12th and final post in the 12-part series, “In a Sex Positive World…” The index to the entire series is here.
We hope you have enjoyed the series, and continue to enjoy a long, long life of freedom to be yourself and express that sexually for as long as you’d like.
Thank you to http://www.xsandos.net/ for the graphic.
The Development Committee needs YOUR help with building the PRIDE float! It’ll be a cut above this year & carpentry and art skills are helpful, but not necessary. Please contact email@example.com if you’re interested in being one of our much-needed helpers. Thank you!
In thinking about a positive sex culture, I sometimes go to the place of “everyone should have more sex!” As a sex worker for almost a decade, I hear (I’m a phone sex operator operator) first hand how much sex (and touch) can help people feel like people. Within this line of thinking, I mentally gloss over people who choose to be chaste, or who choose to live in chaste relationships. Continue reading
In high school, I watched a demo of how to put a condom on a banana. We didn’t have a sex ed class. This was just something our biology teacher thought we should know. So he brought in someone from Planned Parenthood one day, and did an overview of STD’s the next day, and boom! We were educated and ready to DO IT!
This year in March I learned a similar skill from a sex worker in “Sex Ed 201.” Except instead of a banana, it was a partner with a strap-on dildo. And instead of her hands, she used her mouth. I went straight home and practiced until I couldn’t stand the taste of latex anymore. It’s … ah … harder than it looks.
The two hours of sex education I had in high school was more than most teens get today. According to this John Oliver segment on sex education, in 2015 only 22 states required sex education. Of those, only 15 required that it be medically accurate. The majority of sex education classes in high schools are “Abstinence Only” classes.
Clearly basic anatomy, disease prevention and contraception are a good place to start. Throw in consent, gender identity, how to maintain boundaries, an “all sexual identities and preferences are okay” message, and a chance for kids to ask the questions they have and get real-world based answers. Then you’ve got a solid starter curriculum.
But as we continue to grow beyond high school, we also continue to learn. In a sex positive world, sex education is fun and informative and goes waaaay beyond How to Not Get Syphilis or Pregnant.
If selected wisely, a partner can be a great source of knowledge. I learned basic oral sex technique from a co-counselor at a Y camp, and Kink 101 from my manager at Hot Dogs N’ More (he was the “more”). I learned healing erotic touch from a guy who lived in his van and looked like Jesus. A woman in Hays, Kansas taught me to seduce people by playing the opening riff to Suite Madame Blue. And I continue to explore new sexual horizons with my partner, who is sex-positive, open-minded, and very skilled. #LuckyMe!
The Foundation calendar for next month shows me I could learn about self-pleasuring, pick up some tips about ropes and whips, massage the finer points of consent, avoid some of the common poly pitfalls, or learn to suspend myself — and the workshops keep coming.
I recently took a workshop called Erotic Spanking. I thought I knew everything about erotic spanking. But I learned some things, not the least of which is that there are people much braver than I willing to bottom for a workshop on Erotic Spanking.
At the Center I’ve learned by watching, talking to people, and attending parties that have demos as part of the party. Just last week I learned how to be deeply hypnotized while watching a demo in hypnosis.
Beyond the Foundation and the Center, I’ve found lots of other tutors. There are sex positive groups in support of specific identities, kinks, lifestyles, and skills. I could ask someone at Babeland how to use that weird bendy looking thing. I could go to a munch or hey — I could attend the Seattle Erotic Art Festival this weekend and learn about body-painting, creating cartoon characters, or striptease.
The world we live in is becoming more sex positive all the time. Online, there are websites a-plenty, forums and discussion groups about every possible imaginable kink. There is a lot of bad information, but there is more good information. FetLife is a great place to start.
Googling your particular interest can also yield great results. “Asexual intimacy tips” yields 338,000 results “Advanced female masturbation tips,” 292,000. “D/s submission tips,” 1.5 million. Whatever your deal, there are websites, videos and how-to’s. This Google thing is a powerful force. Use it wisely.
In an increasingly sex positive world, the options beyond “How Not to Get a Disease,” flourish. So all thanks to today’s adult sex positive culture, which offers more possibilities than ever.
Now, how can we some of that basic information to teens?
This is the 10th piece in the 12-part series. You can find an index to the rest of the series here.
This image of The Genderbread person is shared by permission from Sam Killermann of It’s Pronounced Metrosexual. It separates out five different areas of our sexual being in the world: gender identity, gender expression, biological sex, sexual attraction and romantic attraction.
Growing up a transgender girl who didn’t know that she was a girl, I was awash in all manner of hateful and harmful imagery. I grew up with characters like Buffalo Bill, Dil, and Dr. Frank-N-Furter, all of whom who told me that trans women weren’t really women. We were predators, mentally ill and sexually deviant men to the core. I cannot tell you how much harm that can do to a young woman.
For many years I lived with shame as one of my deep and abiding friends. The sort of shame that told me I was wrong. Wrong in a way I didn’t understand. It was a shame that sits in the chest like a knot, hurting me anytime I thought of it.
If that sounds dark that’s because it is. There’s something about the prejudice facing trans women that’s tied intimately to our sexuality. There are about men who can’t stop thinking of themselves as gay for being in a relationship with a trans woman despite being heterosexual. The world sees women that were born with penises as some sort of sickly attractive freak show. All of cisgender society has a huge hang up about trans women when it comes to sex. And for trans people ourselves, having to live in that society teaches us to hate who we are. We are little more than disgusting objects.
So I carried that knot of shame around with me every single day. It hurt like you wouldn’t believe. I wasn’t able to be authentic in any part of my life and I didn’t know why. I didn’t know why, that is, until I finally had an identity crisis and realized that I was transgender.
It was shortly after meeting an actual real live trans woman and seeing Janet Mock and Laverne Cox in the news and on TV that I suddenly recognized what was wrong with me. When I came out to myself and acknowledged that I was a trans woman I felt that knot of shame vanish. I’m still healing from that injury, but I wish I’d never had to carry it in the first place. And maybe in a better world I never would have had to.
Because in a better world, a sex positive world, being transgender wouldn’t be such a crime. I’d be able to find porn by, for, and starring trans women, porn that didn’t fetishize and objectify us; it would be a healthy normal. I’d be able to discuss my sexual compatibility with any potential partner without fear of rejection or harm. Because my sex traits would be seen as a healthy normal. And whether I engaged in a long term and loving sexual relationship or just casual sex, I’d be seen as any other woman would and not be stigmatized for who and what I am. Poly or monogamous, serial or not, transgender women would be given a grant of normalcy that we usually have to fight for desperately.
In a sex positive world, sex would be a source of joy for trans women, not a deep well of shame that we’re told to drink from time and time again. Those of us that are sexual — and we do come in every variety of sexuality under the rainbow — would be free to explore that side of ourselves without worry. And those of us that are asexual would be able to be asexual in a world that didn’t see them as broken.
It’s not the same as creating a world where gender identity is truly respected, but creating a sex positive world would go a long way towards making people like me feel normal and authentic and free to be ourselves.
-Alexandra is a transgender woman from the Pacific Northwest trying her best to help light up a world that can often be a little dark.
This piece is part of a 12-part series, In a Sex Positive World. You can find an index to the rest of the series here.
Do you know about the support and discussion groups that meet on site? These are independent groups listed on the calendar for the Foundation for Sex Positive Culture.
- Intimate Polarity – people in or interested in lifelong monogamous relationships, 4th Saturday, 3:30-5:30pm
- MaST – Seattle – people in or interested in Master/slave, Owner/property or other Power Differential relationships, 1st Wednesday, 7-9 pm
- Poly Potluck & Discussion Group – 3rd Sunday, 5:30 – 8 pm
- Right Side of the Slash – people who identify as bottoms/submissives/etc, 3rd Mondays, 7 – 9 pm
- Sacred Sexuality Meetup – exploring sexuality through Lee Harrison’s book, Sacred Kink, 2nd Saturday of odd months, 3:30-5:30pm
- Sex Geekdom -people who love having geeky conversations about sex – 2nd Thursdays, 7 – 9 pm
- Survivors of Sexual Abuse – a peer support group for any survivor of childhood sexual abuse and incest – 1st Mondays, 7 – 9 pm
- Switched ON! – people who identify as switches – 3rd Thursday of even months, 6:30 – 8 pm
- View from the Top – people who identify as Tops, Dom/mes & etc. – 3rd Mondays, 7-9
We at the Center for Sex Positive Culture are proud of our new shower. It was the culmination of months of fundraising and hard physical work. It has bondage-ready hard points in the walls and ceiling, a hose bib with hot and cold water, a toilet, a urinal and four shower heads. It’s beautiful and it’s ready to party.
So when Jim Duvall, one of the folks who built the new shower, mentioned late in February I should consider hosting a one-time-only men’s party in the Main Space to celebrate this achievement it seemed exactly the right thing for me to do. Jan, the CSPC Managing Director, immediately agreed. And she gave me permission to host a little photo shoot in the shower for my buddies to create shower-related promotional materials. And that’s where my adventure began. Continue reading
To our Members:
The Center for Sex Positive Culture has been planning to find a new location to transition to at the end of our lease in 2018. As the staff and board have looked at our long-term goals for growth, we realize that this space no longer suits our needs.
Knowing this, the news we received recently could be a great opportunity for the CSPC. We have been notified that the owners plan to sell the property and that our lease will be terminated in September 2017. While this is slightly earlier than the original end date of our lease, it means that we will have the freedom to move on a property when the right one comes along. This notice is also still far enough out that we can plan. We will move deliberately, not desperately.
As a part of our preparations for this change we have been in talks with a CSPC member who is a Senior Planner and Designer. This member has offered to work with our management team on making this transition as smooth as possible for the organization.
You can help too.
First, please fill out this Building Priorities Survey so that we can begin gathering information from our members. This information will help us identify specifically what is most important in a new space. We will have updates and other opportunities for information sessions and feedback from the membership throughout this process. So keep an eye out for more opportunities in the future.
Second, please donate to the Center. Invest in our Future! This campaign is to help us raise money for our General Fund, which will be where part of funding the transition process of finding a new space will be coming from. We don’t know what our budget for this process will be quite yet. We do know that we’ll need your help in raising the money for this project, as well as meeting the other ongoing needs of our membership.
Third, please consider upgrading your membership. Premium memberships are more accessible now than ever — you can be a Silver Premium member for about $1.40/day — less than what many of us spend on coffee!
We have annual and monthly payment options for all premium member levels. And these memberships have their privileges — See this link for details. You can sign-up for memberships online as well. Please email firstname.lastname@example.org if you have any questions regarding memberships or upgrading current memberships.
As we draw closer to this transition, we will have specific campaigns for specific projects, so keep an eye out for those in the future.
Thanks to you all for your continued support of the Center for Sex Positive Culture. We couldn’t do it without all of you!