I was 43 when I first noticed that sex was becoming more work than fun. I loved my partner very much. And we knew what we were doing. But I kept wanting to stop and talk. Or read. Or wash the dishes. At the same time TV shows, books, and movies I used to enjoy seemed more and more, well, stupid.
By the time I was 46, I was done. Gym workouts made more sense to me than sex. And I’d rather have gone to the dentist than have another tongue in my mouth. I had no more sexual oomph. No zing, no flutters, no ‘oooooo!’ My ‘mojo’ was gone.
I still had my curiosity and my playfulness. I still had my love for my partner. I just didn’t want to have sex any more.
For a while, my partner and I tried to make love even though we knew that I had no hormonal response. But that just ended up making me feel used and dirty, like a sex doll. So we stopped.
For a long time, I was worried and frightened and sad. I thought that I was broken or sick. I thought that I was being bad and unfair to my partner. I felt like an alien when seeing commercials or advertisements because sex didn’t sell to me. TV shows and movies seemed aimed at someone else. I didn’t care about the tits or the abs or the butts.
I’ve gotten better at accepting my asexuality, but it was a long, hard road. And there are still times when I think I need to be ‘fixed.’
In a Sex Positive World, I wouldn’t feel broken at all. Ever.
For me, a Sex Positive World would be one where sex is just another side of being human, not the Most Important One. In a Sex Positive World, one’s sexuality would make no more difference than if one preferred blue to red. And not having sex would be just another color, not the absence of color.
Also, in a Sex Positive World, advertisements, commercials, movies, TV shows, internet memes, everything would… it’s hard to explain.
Let’s use the colors again. Imagine a color, a color you don’t hate but you’re not particularly fond of. And doesn’t suit you. Say, orange.
Now imagine that all the people things are saturated in orange: clothes, gestures, cars, pictures, signs, food, everything. That’s what the world is like to me.
Mountains, sunsets, the sea – they’re not orange. (I love camping, by the way.) But the minute people get involved? Boom! Orange.
I think that creativity and joy, love and companionship, playfulness and fun don’t have to be orange. I think that people can be together in happiness without being orange. I think that discovery and learning shouldn’t be orange, ever. (Unless, of course, it’s about sex. In which case it had darn well better be orange.)
I believe that the strength of the human mind and heart is stronger and more important than sex.
And in a Sex Positive world, one could celebrate that. Without the orange.
—Lightfoote exults in a committed loving relationship with their long-term partner and looks forward to many happy years to come.
This is the 3rd in the 12-part series, “In a Sex Positive World“.