by Camille Café

I’m sure it’s partly due to Covid, but I’m much more cautious now than when I started going to the Center. I was hot to trot then, being fresh out of a marriage. Not having dated as a younger woman, I threw myself into playing at the CSPC with ferocious abandon. I was naïve and had no idea what to expect. Rather than the goal of wanting to learn how to become better at being discriminating, I just wanted to get laid. I got what I got what I wanted, but I learned in ways that were often painful and sometimes overwhelming. I think what I’m advocating here might be called pain mitigation or safe(r) kink.

I know lots of folks are aware of this, but just a refresher - there are several types of safety. I want to focus on physical, psychological, and emotional safety. Physical safety is the obvious one. Many kink activities are risky - impact play, sharps play, and even getting tied up has its dangers. It’s important to mitigate these risks as much as possible. That’s why it’s important to do your homework. Read and learn as much as you can about the activities you’re drawn to. Go to classes. Talk to people and get recommendations for responsible Tops. Check out their credentials. If you’re a newbie, or even if you have some experience, you want to be playing with experienced partners who know the potential risks. Do they know what to do in an adverse situation?

At this point it’s important to talk about communication. It’s essential to negotiate effectively and have a foundation of good clear communication. Negotiate fully what you do and don’t like – what you will and won’t accept. What are your absolute limits? Establish them beforehand, not when you’re engaged in your scene. The brain chemistry of kinky activity is powerful. It can impact your emotions and decision-making ability. Even if something was an absolute “no” beforehand, it might seem okay in the midst of a scene. Flying on yummy brain chemicals is not the time to change your mind. Stick to your initial plan. If you find you want to try something else, save it for the next time you play.

The best thing about playing at the Center is that there are trained monitors on site who know enough about how scenes should look that they are likely to see irregularities. I met a guy at a non-Center event who I gave consent to tie me up. After my hands were tied, he aggressively ran his hands up and down my body. I hadn’t given him consent for that. I was so shocked that I froze and couldn’t say anything. I was perfectly sober. A friend was sitting close by, but she was intoxicated and didn’t notice my distress.

Another great thing about playing at the Center is that intoxicants aren’t allowed. I know many people feel like drugs enhance the experience but getting to know someone isn’t the time to be intoxicated. You want your wits about you. One time I got intoxicated with a stranger in his home. I had another non-consensual, very unpleasant experience. See the pattern here? Play it as safely as you can – especially at first. You want others around you. Make sure those who are around you are sober. Being safe depends on you and your partner. And sometimes, despite ticking off all of the safety checks, violations do occur. How might you develop a plan to handle a violation? It’s difficult to navigate.

I think the best approach to psychological and emotional safety is to be realistic about kink. It’s easy to get caught up in the fantasy - it’s heady stuff. The brain chemistry of it is mind altering. It can set you up to make decisions you regret later. Don’t get lost and forget about the very real dangers of kink. Sometimes the intentions of those you’re playing with aren’t yours. Keep your expectations real. Talk at length about your limits and expectations. Theirs, too. This is the time to be totally honest. I think having kink experiences and looking for love relationships are better as separate pursuits, at least until you get to really know people and have some experience under your belt. Others see it differently. That’s why it’s important to talk to as many people as you can about their experiences.

Should your interactions include sex? You don’t have to be sexual. You can be sexual if you want. Think about it. Read about it. Talk about it. I confused sex and love and was often hurt when partners didn’t react like I wanted them to. I didn’t keep my expectations real. Even though I was told to take it slow and cautiously, I barreled in and was impulsive in my behavior. If I had to do it all again, I would have thought more carefully about how much sex I wanted to have with people I had very little connection with. If you want to be sexual with partners with “no strings attached,” keep your expectations real about that, too. Get to know your own limits, communicate them to the people you play with, and revisit them regularly. Limits often change over time. It’s very common. As you explore and grow, you might find yourself in a completely different place with different limits and different desires.

With self-knowledge, consent, boundaries, and communication in place, you will be all set to have safe(r) sexual and kink experiences at the CSPC. But never fear—there’s more to the story of my entry into kink world. Stay tuned for the next installment of Café is OPEN!