Questions I Wish I'd Asked or Known When I Joined the BDSM Community

by Turtle 

tk@thecspc.org  | ObliqueBanter 

You've been dreaming about this for a long time. Waiting to get your courage up to come to an orientation here at your local BDSM community at the Center for Sex Positive Culture. You get excited waiting for the day to come. You carefully pick out a sexy outfit. You are going to go have that fantasy and revel in it! You walk in and are surrounded by others. You all try not to make too much eye contact. The orientation leader begins their presentation and you try to listen carefully, but the fantasy has taken over. You are simultaneously hot, cold, wet with excitement. Then, the doors open and more people pour in, surrounding you. Music starts and lights dim. Suddenly, you are overwhelmed. How are you supposed to find the fulfiller of your fantasy? I’m lost and have so many questions!

There are many questions to ask. There's so much information to find out. 

• How many people are there? 

• What's where? 

• How much will it cost? 

• Will I find the person who can fulfill my fantasy with me? 

• What do people think of me?

Those are some questions I did ask beforehand. Then, I actually joined the community. I learned that there are some critical things I had no idea about and would never have thought to ask. Here are some common questions that often get asked (and sometimes answered) in the first six months.

What is negotiation for play? People need to know how to negotiate. Innumerable attendees think that they can negotiate well, but with a clever Dom/Top/Master, everything that you're trying to negotiate becomes malleable in carefully twisted definitions. I did not know that it’s best to not renegotiate once I start a scene. Your body is dumping chemicals into your system and your brain has now entered an altered state. 

I sent a friend to chat with a couple of Masters who were hanging around. I had hoped they’d teach her how to negotiate. She came back so excited. “I've negotiated my first scene.” And I said ok, what is it, and she said, “I get to have a scene where they glue a dildo to my forehead and I roll around making narwhal sounds!” Excuse me. Which part of that did you get out of the negotiation? She said, “I don't have to make whale sounds.” I laughed and sent her back to try again. They didn't mess with her and they really helped her to learn to negotiate. But, oh dear, they like to have their fun! 

There are other things that I never even considered.

I didn’t know I would be exploring my inner self so much, that I would really be digging down deep questioning all the original tenets my family and friends taught me growing up. I ended up finding a new way to look at the world. 

I didn't know it would become such a big part of my life, that the other parts would fall away and everyone I knew would be in the community. I would work to support them in finding a similar place like mine, where they could come and be seen without shame or judgment.

I didn't realize that scening could trigger my emotions and bring up old trauma. It took a while to learn how to control my emotions, to figure out triggers and if I could reframe those experiences.

One thing people often come in thinking is, “Finally, I'm going to get to live out my fantasy!” We tell you at orientation. “If you're expecting your fantasy to happen tonight, it won't happen.” Your IRL experience is going to be very different from your fantasy because you didn't know that your body could do this, or that it gave off these hormones, or that your connection with that person would be so strong that you would just be “someplace else.” A phenomenon called sub drop is very real, and there's Top drop too. I had never realized that those are important ideas nor how to handle them. 

I did not know that most scenes are pre-arranged. You have to talk to people. It is important to take the time to get to know people and their reputations. I learned what is or is not “normal.” You can't do pick-up play if you aren’t willing to get to know someone. It was time to step out of my shell and talk to people. I didn't realize how much I was repressing my core self by trying to present as vanilla. 

I didn’t know that if I said “no” to someone or a scene, it's not like it would never happen. It could happen later or maybe at another time as one becomes more comfortable. When I started, I didn't want to do anything besides floggers. I was abhorrently wrong! (LMAO!) Floggers are great, but there were other toys that reached down deep to touch a special spot inside me.

I learned how to say (and hear) “no” gracefully. I needed to know that someone saying “no” to me wasn’t a personal rejection. It's more likely to have absolutely nothing to do with me. Saying “no” is just something that we need to be honest about because we may have other plans, may not feel up to it, or have bruises and can't take more right now.

I had to learn how to navigate consent for me as a neurodivergent person. I hadn't realized how pivotal consent is in my life. I decide how you touch me, or whether you get to touch me at all.

Eventually I settled down with a Master. They taught me how to prepare for a scene and reiterated not to negotiate after a scene starts. 

There's an abundance of new information to observe. How can anyone possibly keep track of it all? There is just so much coming at me all at once. I often will feel overwhelmed, especially if my emotions are triggered, and I'll need to have my scene partner hold safe space until I can get my head and body back together. 

I didn't realize how many people were in the community. I was surrounded by all these people, looking at me and I'm looking at them, and I'm thinking, “Oh, I should have worn something else” and they're probably thinking the same thing about themselves. There are just oodles and oodles of people, and when a party starts and more people pour in, I think, “There can't possibly be this many people, but if there are this many people into it, it is mainstream.” We're no longer outliers. 

I had some difficulty with the lingo and all the definitions at first. It was easy to get tripped up. Thankfully, people graciously took time to explain the subtleties. Example: the differences between Master, Dom, and Top. Or between polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, and consensual non-monogamy. 

I didn’t realize how much it can cost. But I learned how to pick up some neat stuff at thrift stores to make pervertables. Creativity can help you save money, and it can enhance the fun!

Remember that this is a journey. Where you start is not at all where you will end (and it never has to end!). You have choices to make. This is a choose-your-own-adventure story and you are the star! You don't have to ever run out of FOMO because there are so many fetishes and kinks to explore. If someone or something is bothering you… Look the other way, go somewhere else. We will support you. If you feel judged, the person judging you is you. The shame you hold inside of yourself is yours. If you want to let it go, you can let it go here. We're here for you. We're a community. 

I just wish there had been a list somewhere with all these basic questions so I would have known where to start. Hopefully this is helpful to newcomers who might be just as confused as I was!

Building a Bottoming Bag

by Turtle

Trigger Warning: mild mention of heavier fetishes

It's Saturday night and all the Tops have their huge bags of toys that they wheel in in giant suitcases and toolboxes. The fun is about to begin. I can't wait.

There are things people never told me though. I would show up in my fancy clothes and enjoy a hot and heavy scene fairly quickly. When I started practicing BDSM years ago, generally a scene was 30 minutes of flogging. Then, hot and sweaty, I’d collapse to the cold concrete floor, spaced out. 

When I began to recover, I had to pull the same clothes back on. Oh, and that’s a big NO to putting back on those four-inch heels! They were not comfortable. Parts of my body had swollen from the scene. My makeup smeared in tear marks down my face.

I'm altered from playing. I needed to recover, and I didn't bring anything to help myself do that.

I saw other bottoms change into pajamas and sweatshirts for the rest of the party. This seemed like the best idea ever to my scattered perception! So, I picked up a backpack and made myself an Aftercare Bag.

Initially, this had very basic items in it. It consisted of soft, loose clothing (including flat shoes) to change into, a water bottle, a snack, and a book. This works in a pinch but as you change how you play and what the activities are, you should expand your bag.

I added first aid supplies like alcohol wipes, gauze, blood stop, an instant ice pack, and athletic tape as I got more into blood play. I started bringing my own tarp, my own sheet (not white), a towel, a garbage bag for wet items, a travel bottle of body wash, and a brush for when I played at other venues. I am pretty fanatical about making sure anything with blood on it goes home with me.

I started including a backup of one-day’s meds in case I stayed somewhere else. The harder I played, the more I required recovery items. It felt like I was limited in scene length.

I finally learned through experimentation that I could play a much longer scene if I used those recovery items during the scene. Drinking water, a tiny snack, an inhaler, and a better check in process meant my scene didn't go straight to Safeword.

I became a heavy bottom with time. Everyone will find their own set point. I realized that I was putting deep levels of trust in whomever I was playing with. Did I know whether their toys and rope were adequately sanitized for my use? Then, a wood toy got blood on it, and the Top gifted it to me as it was now fluid-bonded to me. I gradually obtained my own toys to be used on me by others, including items most likely to become fluid bonded (usually blood) in the process of playing. I now have quite a few paddles, knives, and machetes, and a few farm/kitchen implements in my bag. The Top should ask your consent as to which toys are on the menu for the evening, to be sure about how they are used and that you are up to it. Most people have that favorite implement that's so awesome but is so banging you can only use it sparingly.

As I get older, sometimes I deal with PTSD or being over-stimulated. I added headphones, earplugs, and a comfort item like a small blanket or stuffie. I also have a list of meds, conditions, allergies, etc. that I carry with me just in case an emergency occurs.

Don't forget your favorite lube, condoms, dental dams, and sex toys! I also bring a roll of saran wrap. You just never know what might happen for the fun of it! I have a small bag I call my Vagina Bag! Fun things for vagina owners just in case I decide to let my fingers do the walking and give some digital orgasms!

It may seem like I'm carrying a lot but it's all divided into specific bags that I take with me based on my planned activities for that evening. 

I cannot even begin to explain the comfort of a super soft throw blanket against my raw bruises. All of these items get used regularly and have greatly improved my scene experiences. I hope the idea of a Bottom Bag does the same for you!