Sexy (Social) Science 23.2

by Emma Atkinson

Greetings super sexy and supportive readers! I hope January has been all you wanted and more.

Remember that discussion we had in the previous column about following up on gut feelings? In his book, The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker describes how that gut feeling you get when something isn’t quite right is actually a gift. That feeling suggests that you need more information to better understand a situation.

I’m here to agree that it’s a good idea to get more data when you experience some discomfort. Yours truly recently sought to understand why encounters with a friend have always resulted in me feeling emotionally drained. I watched a few episodes of the old TV show Lie to Me to remind myself of ways to spot potential untruths. The main character is impossibly good at lie detection—the rest of us are mere mortals.

During my next encounter with this person, the things I saw and heard were startling. They didn’t listen to me, didn’t care what I thought, and put me down without a hint of jest or remorse. When I read the “Sexy Social Science” column I wrote for the last newsletter to them, all they said was “wow.” Shouldn’t someone be able to find something nice to say to a friend who asks for an opinion? I had discounted my feelings, thinking that they were related to other issues. I’m grateful for the curiosity that encouraged me to look a little deeper.

If you haven’t read de Becker’s book, I highly recommend it. It’s an absorbing read—I couldn’t put it down once I started. And it just might save your life, or save you from unnecessary emotional harm.

Homework: do you have any uncomfortable feelings that you’d like to understand better? Put on your detective hat and look for clues. Please share your insights with me at: info@thecspc.org.

“Science!” —Thomas Dolby

“Science!” —Emma 

Sexy (Social) Science 23.1

by Emma Atkinson 

Happy New Year to you all! Let’s keep the joy of the holiday season going for just a little while longer, okay? And if your holidays weren’t especially joyful, it’s not too late to let a little happiness seep in. 

For the first CSPC newsletter of 2023, I’ve got something juicy to share with you. No need to thank me just yet.

Maybe you’ve been wondering about the differences between boundaries and controlling behaviors. Or maybe it’s just me. Anyhoo, here’s what I’ve come up with: a boundary represents the limit of something you will do, and a controlling behavior is something you want someone else to do. It can be confusing, because sometimes people use the word “boundary” to try to control or change someone else.

Here’s an example: someone you know keeps bringing up a topic that makes you uncomfortable. You’ve asked them to stop talking about the topic, but you’re hearing it yet again. It could be any topic: when will you give your parents a grandchild, or when will you start a diet for real. A boundary represents what you want for yourself and an action you’ll take. Successful boundary-setting is more likely to happen when you state it clearly, without unnecessary emotion, and follow through with the consequences if it’s being tested. Consequences could be hanging up the phone, changing the subject, or leaving the room. 

Controlling behavior happens when you tell someone what to do or not do. It’s often accompanied by vague and highly emotional language, and comes without specific consequences. In the example above, controlling behavior might look like starting a fight about how many times you’ve told them you don’t want to hear about those topics or saying that if they really loved you, they wouldn’t bring those things up anymore. Both of these responses are highly emotional and focused on trying to change the other person, not a clearly-stated consequence that you can put into action yourself.

As adults, we can ask someone to do or not do something, and they can choose their actions accordingly. And then we can choose an action as well. 

Making this distinction can be frightfully complicated and difficult to untangle. Boundaries are meant for you, to enhance your body, mind, and spirit. If you find yourself experiencing uncomfortable feelings, it might be a good time to sit down and sort it out. 

As we start a new year, it’s a great time to ponder what serves you best. Those nagging, uneasy feelings are probably not going away on their own. They’re actually a gift to you, as Gavin de Becker points out in his book, The Gift of Fear. Think of them as little red flags trying to get your attention. 

Homework: check any resolutions you might have made for 2023 and make sure self care is right there at the top of the list. If your resolutions don’t include practicing more kindness, compassion, and gratitude—well, why not? It could bring you rewards way beyond anything you can dream up. The only way to find out for sure is to try it out for yourself and see what happens. It can’t hurt, right? Let me know how your experiment goes at: info@thecspc.org. 

Science!

Sexy (Social) Science 2

by Emma Atkinson

Hello wonderful readers!  Isn’t the cooler weather a welcome shift?  

Science can be fun, especially if it’s both sexy and social. Your latest mission, should you choose to accept it, is to try being just a bit more social than usual.  

Some lovely person recently commented on how it can be difficult to meet people at CSPC parties. Many party goers attend with a date, the music can be a bit loud at times, and not everyone there has a goal of meeting someone new.

So, the next time you go to an awesome CSPC event, try to catch a few people’s eyes and smile at them. While being careful not to interrupt a scene or aftercare time, try giving a truthful compliment or two and see how that goes. It shouldn’t be all that hard - look around at a party and you’ll see amazing people wearing amazing clothes and using amazing toys. And sometimes the most ordinary-looking person in the room has amazing stories to share!

Think about what that person might want then and there. Don’t we all want to be seen and acknowledged? Don’t we want to be welcomed and feel like we’re a part of the community? Of course we do! 

Your mission is to focus on helping people at the event feel welcome. Try it, and notice if you feel more welcome yourself. Start slowly- there’s no need to push yourself too much, especially at first. Successful science experiments are habit-forming, and you may find it easier over time to get to know more people while you’re creating the kind of community you want to be in.

Please share your experiences at:  info@thecspc.org.

“She blinded me with science” - Thomas Dolby

“They blinded me with sexy (social) science” - Emma Atkinson