Ten Indications That You Might Be Masturbating Too Much

By Mistress 7, Inveterate Wanker

10.  For the sake of accuracy, you’ve permanently set your online status to “AFK - masturbating”

9. You’ve written an erotic novel in which all of the characters are disembodied hands

8. Your neighbors fasten breakables with earthquake straps due to the frequent tremors you cause in the area

7. A judge has ruled that your genitals are required to pay you at an overtime rate

6. You’ve started making videos of yourself wanking while watching videos of yourself wanking to videos of yourself wanking

5. “Lube and tissues” is a bigger slice of the budget pie chart than “food and shelter”

4. When reading, you feel the need to rub one out every time you come across a sexy article, such as  “the” or “a”

3. The extreme variety of your masturbatory vocalizations keeps accidentally summoning demons to our world

2. You have a backup generator dedicated to keeping your sex toys running during blackouts

1. Your masturbation habit leaves you insufficient time to write a decently funny article for a sex-positive newsletter

Note: This article is satire. Unless there is a medical reason to change your practices (i.e. your doctor advises it), I don’t really think that anybody reading this is masturbating too much, or too little. It’s completely your choice, and there is no shame associated with whatever amount of self-pleasure you feel is right for you. Happy International Masturbation Month!

Top Ten Benefits of Being Solo Polyamorous During a Pandemic

By Mistress 7

As I look back on the lessons learned from My past year in various stages of lockdown, one thing becomes apparent: living apart from partners during this time is difficult. It’s especially difficult for those of us who have been living with none of our partners and miss our accustomed time with many beloveds.

But, every cloud has a silver lining. Here are some of My positive take-aways from spending the past year in pandemic as a solo poly person:

10. You’re not afraid of spending time by yourself.

9. You already live with your primary partner, and they make or buy all the meals for you.

8. You were already good at talking to people about viruses and risk.

7. Not having as much sex has given you a chance to stop neglecting your hobbies.

6. After a year stuck at home, some of your cohabitating friends finally get what you mean by wanting personal space.

5. New thing to shout during sex: “Are you coming? Press spacebar, I think you’re on mute!”

4. No longer going out on dates saves you more money than most people.

3. Forget three-ways – with Zoom you can get 49 on a page!

2. You already had a year’s supply of medical gloves.

1. With all this personal autonomy, there’s no limit to the number of people you can’t see.

Leadership Spotlight: 7

This is the fourteenth of our spotlights on community members who volunteer with the CSPC in leadership positions. In this issue, we’ve asked some questions to get a deep and personal look at our Board Secretary, 7.

• Name and scene name:

  •  Erik 7 Johnson, a.k.a. L 7 (my female incarnation, who more commonly goes by Mistress 7). For the sake of simplicity you can just call me 7.

• Pronouns:

  • they/them/theirs, he/him/his (only when Erik 7), She/Her/Hers (preferred pronouns of Mistress 7), ve/ver/vis (playing around with these)

• How do you identify?

  •  I’m the co-embodiment of a male-bodied, non-binary, trixic, top-leaning switch (Erik 7) and a female-identifying Domme (Mistress 7).

  • A co-embodiment is not the same as having multiple personalities. It’s not like only one of us is here or in control at a given time. We just co-exist in and share one body.

• How long have you been with the CSPC?

  • A bit over two years.

• What brought you here and what are your main areas of interest?

  • A friend said that the CSPC needed some volunteers for a pansexual/pangender party they were starting up (All-In), and that sounded like an important thing to do for the community, as well as a good time. I haven’t regretted joining for a moment. I’ve found new friends, partners, and community here. My main areas of interest are consent culture, impact and sensory play, and breaking down/redefining the boundaries between BDSM play, sex, and comedy.

• CSPC e-mail address, title, roles, reasons for contact, and areas you cover:

  • 7@theCSPC.org. I guess my title and role depends on context. I’m a volunteer with the Communications Team, usually a Monitor or Event Coordinator at the in-person parties we host, a Tech Assistant at some of our online events, and Board Secretary for purposes of more official business.

  • Oh yes, I suppose you should contact me if you want something changed on the web site, need an event added to the calendar, or if you’d like anything added to the newsletters. As to what areas I cover, usually the genitals. Sometimes the nipples. It depends on the activity and how cold it is. I’m also unofficially in charge of dad jokes.

• What was your path to your current position?

  •  I started out doing set up/strike and registration, got trained as a monitor, and after about a year of doing that I decided to become an EC. I applied to the board because I have a small masochistic side that just wanted to take on more responsibility. Most of my current path has involved noticing that there’s a need and saying, “I can help with that.”

• Which CSPC event is your favorite and why?

  • This is such a tough question. As Erik 7, my first party (and first scene in public) was at Layover, and that will always have a special place in my heart. Mistress 7’s first party was the Femme Domme SovereignTea, and those were always a tremendous amount of fun. I’ve been a regular volunteer for and am very invested in both All-In and Fresh Meet, and the LaQueer parties had some of the most creative scenes I’ve ever seen. I also had a great time ECing at Myself! the one time I was able to get a Sunday off. But I guess right now I’d have to say F*cking Precious is my favorite. Where else could I dress as Mistress Stitch and beat a partner who’s wearing dinosaur pajamas with toy lightsabers and a rubber chicken, all while singing songs from Rocky Horror? Well yes, I suppose I can do all that stuff in the grocery store as well, but it seemed to be more accepted at F*cking Precious.

• Career or day job (industry, position, or whatever you're comfortable sharing):

  • As Duchamp once said, “Je suis un respirateur.” I’m also an unpaid author and unemployed jester (it sounds like a terrible job, but I’m nobody’s fool), as well as a homemaker/caretaker/guardian for children with special needs. I’m also technically Exalted Emperex for Life of a secret conspiracy bent on global domination. But most of the other conspirators left and there’s not been much activity within the conspiracy since the late ‘90s, so I think it’s safe to say I’m not going to take over the world tonight.

• What do you like to do in your free time?

  • I write things: some sexy, some funny, both funny and sexy when I can manage it. Zombies and ghosts occasionally appear, for reasons. I have a passion for etymology, because I love words and because it involves fewer bugs than when I had a passion for entomology (it turns out I love words a lot more than I love bugs). When I can I like to eat things, mostly food. I have fun conversations with people. Many of them are real people, and some of those people end up becoming partners who I have sex with (only with consent, of course). When they’re not available I have sex with myself (again, only after negotiating consent first). I’m also a singer/musician of sorts, as well as a part-time inventor (I invented the electric kazoo and the spam-banana taco). I’m trying to become a renaissance person by wearing very little clothing and working on my perspective.

• Living situation (partners, roommates, pets, plants):

  • I live with two of my three kids (I might have lost one kid, but I’m pretty sure he’s around here somewhere), a Russian tortoise named Иван Черепахавич (he says this translates into something like Ivan Tortoisevich), and a number of robots. We also have some plants and candy bars.

  • I’m a polyamorous and switchy co-embodiment, so this next part gets complicated. I’ll have to resort to using third-person: Erik 7 has one partner who they’re only seeing with social distancing and masks at the moment due to the pandemic; this partner has never really met Mistress 7 except for once for a few minutes at a party where She was delivering yardstick birthday swattings to another (now former) partner. Erik 7 and Mistress 7 both happily share a partner who is Erik 7’s lover/playmate and Mistress 7’s submissive (they mostly share, although Mistress 7 can be a beast to negotiate with). Erik 7 also has a 3rd partner who is mostly a platonic friend and occasional roommate, and this partner also is a play partner/submissive (during times when her health allows) to Mistress 7.

• Something no one would ever guess about you or a fun fact:

  • I am the world’s 4th worst guitarist, but working my way up constantly with all the practicing I don’t do. Also, I told one lie when filling out this interview. >>If you can guess which sentence it’s in, you’ll win a prize!<<

• Turn-ons and squicks:

  • Vampires (for both).

• Hopes and concerns for the CSPC and the greater sex positive community:

  • For the CSPC, I hope we can start meeting together in person sometime, in a home that works for everybody. Until then, I hope that we can diversify our online offerings so that we’re meeting more of the community’s wants and needs.

  • For the greater sex-positive community, I hope that we can be more open about who we are, and gain greater societal acceptance. The gay rights movement has done an amazing job at not only getting laws changed to be more fair, but also at convincing *most* of the public that gay people are not bad or threatening. That has taken a long time and a huge amount of work, much of which started with the pioneers of that movement being loud and proud about who they are, and never backing down or hiding.

I’d like to see similar societal movement toward equal rights for non-monogamous relationships and marriages, and for people to have the right to consensually do kinky things without the risk of the law interfering. I’d like people to engage in impact play without worry about statutes defining it as assault. I’d like furries to be able to go about their day wearing ears and tails if they want, without workplace discrimination or public shaming. I’d like people to be able to say they’re interested in D/s without others assuming they are being predatory or trying to convert them. I’d like asexuals to be able to be honest about their orientation without people assuming there’s something wrong with them or that they haven’t found “the right person” yet.

The majority of people have some kind of kink, when you add up all the categories, but we pretend as if monogamous people who only care for vanilla sex are somehow the norm. There is no normal. Some people are afraid of differences, others can’t risk exposing their differences so they closet themselves, and that leads to the illusion of normal from the lack of visible diversity. I want us all to be loud and proud and accepting of others, because we are all unique and that is a beautiful thing.

• Advice for a new member or volunteer:

  • For new members: Start volunteering! It’s a lot of fun, and a great way to meet new friends. Also, when you have a scene at the Center, please be sure to pick up all the things you brought with you.

  • For volunteers: Volunteer work is a great thing to put on your resume, unless you’re applying to work in a church. In that case, just call the CSPC “a nonprofit.”

• Is there an event or organization, outside of the CSPC, that you feel our community should know about?

  • I really enjoyed the Seattle Cuddle Party group as an option to get explicitly non-sexual touch, and these events help a lot of people learn to separate sexual from non-sexual intimacy (these distinctions are blurry for many people). All of the events hosted by a Cuddle Party-certified facilitator also include a mini workshop around consent, which is helpful to emphasize that every interaction needs to be explicitly negotiated.

Sexy Lines for the Coronapocalypse

(Free advice worth every penny, from Mistress 7)

If you’re dismayed by the lack of in-person dating during social distancing, try to remember that you can still be flirty even when getting within arm’s reach is verboten. If you feel like that sexy person six paces ahead of you in line might just be the person of your dreams, wave until you get their attention (do not go tap them on the shoulder) and try out one of these sexy lines for our strange times:

·       I see you’re shopping for essentials, too. I had no idea this grocery store carries vibrators!

·       I practice safer sex. How do you feel about full-body latex suits and respirators?

·       You have an amazing voice. That’s become *very* important to me lately.

·       I’m into medical play, and your N95 FFR is really doing it for me.

·       Hi! You look nice. Are you wearing a ring under those gloves?

·       I don’t need to get within six feet of you to make you feel amazing.

·       Wanna have some phone sex from within closed cars across the parking lot from each other?

·       You have pretty eyes, and I’m sure there’s a nice smile somewhere under that face mask.

·       How’s your schedule look around June, or whenever we’re allowed to commingle again?

·       Are you COVID-bonded with anybody? Would you like to be?

… and the line which in the past was sometimes considered unattractive:

·       I literally haven’t been out of the house in weeks.

If the person you’re talking to doesn’t respond positively, take heart. They probably won’t recognize you without protective gear, so you might have a chance to try again post-pandemic.