Community Matters: Message from the President

By Eirikah Delaunay

While the Board is still analyzing all the insights you shared in the recent membership survey, there were a number of messages that came through loud and clear:

• 27% of the 303 respondents were former members, and 27% have not attended an in-person event during the last year.

• The reasons shared for lack of attendance were overwhelmingly related to the inaccessibility of the Gallery Erato space, whether that inaccessibility was due to parking issues, concerns about the neighborhood, or challenges with the facility itself (stairs, air quality, etc.). Other top reasons were personal in nature–time crunches related to work, etc.

• Respondents could select as many preferred areas as desired for an additional space dedicated to CSPC activities. The top three selections were the East Side, North Seattle, and a continued presence at Gallery Erato, all with a 64% selection rate. Snohomish County was a distant 4th place with 37% of respondents. There were also numerous write-in comments, many of which suggested a South End location, which was not originally included in the survey due to other organizations already providing service in that area. We will dig into those comments in greater detail in the coming weeks.

• 62% of respondents said they would attend events in Bellevue more than occasionally, and 40% said they would volunteer either in person or behind the scenes if events at a Bellevue space were an option.

• Only 69 of 303 respondents had volunteered in the last year, although more than twice that number had volunteered sometime in the past. Again, the write-in responses to the question about volunteer roles was illuminating in terms of the breadth of service this community has generated during our 25 years.

• The top priorities of respondents based on our initial scan of the comments are accessibility in many different forms (good parking AND public transit access, more masked events, greater inclusion of BIPOC members, other disability access, etc.), stronger cultivation of and support for volunteers, and more events—parties with different themes, in-person munches and game nights, and education. Again, there is a lot of rich data that we are continuing to analyze toward taking action in alignment with member voices.

However, the Board has made progress on many fronts in the last month: in addition to extending our contract with our Operations Consultant, 7, we are now finalizing the job description for a paid role that will manage our daily operations to alleviate some of the burden on Board members and other volunteers; we have had an initial consultation with a non-profit attorney for advice on how we can better recognize our volunteers without creating tax liabilities for them or the CSPC; and we have rented a storage unit and moved CSPC inventory out of Larry Grella’s donated space and into paid storage. Huge thanks to Larry for eight years of donating space at his home to house CSPC property—a $16,000 value over that time period.

September 2024 is my last meeting as President of the CSPC Board, and October will be my last meeting as a Board member. While the last three years of service to the CSPC has been intense in terms of time and energy spent, I feel good about spending this time giving back to the community that has meant so much to me over the last 13 years. 

I have enormous faith in the incoming Board officers to continue leading this organization into its next 25 years, and I want to encourage the membership to get involved whenever and however you can. Ari will be sharing more later about an opportunity to serve a one-year term as a Community Board member, or on the Nominating Committee that will oversee the election process for those two Board positions, and we are working diligently to create a more accessible and actionable job board for the many volunteer roles that aren’t solely focused on running events. 

Thank you all for all you do to make the CSPC the community—and family—it is for so many of us. <3

News from the Board - Community Matters

COMMUNITY MATTERS

Join us in creating a Community Director Nomination Committee!

The CSPC Board of Directors is really excited to announce that we’re reviving the Community Director role! There are two Community Director spots, and they will be fully functioning Board members who are elected in by the membership at large, and who will serve 12-month terms. The idea is that these positions will enable the membership to choose who they want to represent them on the Board, and as such we want the whole process to be defined and owned by you. 

To facilitate these positions being filled, we need a Nomination Committee of at least five active members. Initially, your job will be to work together to figure out how the Committee will function, and then you’ll move on to defining the nomination process for Community Directors. Once the groundwork is laid, the Committee will gather nominations, hold elections, and deliver the results to the Board. This will become a standing Committee with work to be done year-round, but you all know that many hands make light work! 

Disclaimers: members of the Nomination Committee will be ineligible to run for a Community Director position while they are on the Committee and for six months afterwards. It is our intention that Committee meetings are open to the wider membership so that folks can watch what’s happening if they so choose, however Committee members are able to join virtual meetings off-camera and with the name of their choice.

If you are interested in being a part of the Community Director Nomination Committee, or if you have questions about participating, please email ari@thecspc.org. 

Clichés and Colloquialisms, a montage of metaphors

By Turtle

There are some language skills that neurotypicals use to communicate that make it easier said than done for the neurodivergent to understand. For example: it's a dog eat dog world. Really? Do dogs really eat each other? I thought that was a human thing. “You are in the dog house.” I'm told this means that I've committed some ghastly faux pas. However, my brain is asking, “Why? What dog house? Where? What did I do?” 

I don't know. I'm not sure what context that was meant in. “I'm walking on eggshells around you” or “you should let it slide, like water run off a duck's back.” Sometimes people draw a “line in the sand” or “put lipstick on a pig.” Since I've never lived in those exact particular circumstances, my brain says, “why would you put lipstick on a pig? What do you mean by that?”

Part of the issue with clichés is that they are intended to be used as innuendo or with sarcasm. Those are parts of speech that the neurodivergent largely chooses to ignore. We find them perplexing to fathom. Often, even neurotypicals don't decipher the reference fully and use a phrase incorrectly. Neurotypicals expect us to conform without the added benefit of asking, “what do you mean by that?” It feels displacing if you haven't experienced the exact circumstances of the cliché. 

A reliance on stereotypes leads to more confusion in communications. When people use clichés, a neurodivergent can feel like someone isn't paying attention and then use a trite phrase off the top of their head to blow us off. We feel it's unoriginal, lacking creativity or perhaps intelligence. The only thing that might be worse is using “fuck” as all the different parts of speech. Albeit, that is paradoxically fun and oxymoronic to boot!

My friend will forever hate a particular therapist telling her “to get to the point, stop focusing on the trees and give her the forest already!!” (from the saying "can't see the forest for the trees").

And I'm like ????? The forest **IS** trees??? How the fuck can I give you the forest without the trees?????

Needless to say, she didn't keep her as her therapist....

We humans have a double empathy problem. We are most likely to understand individuals of our own neurotype. There's an innate kinship.

They are two different social languages and processing styles, neither one is superior or inferior. Neurodivergent are often made to feel lacking…like we're slow, we have no credibility, or we're even trying to be deceptive, due to the existence of a higher percentage of neurotypicals in the general populace. Bizarrely, we are trying to communicate using neurotypical patterns, which essentially means we have to translate an unfamiliar language and respond while still in NT 101. Neurotypicals tend to demonstrate a top-down processing style which allows for rampant intuition use and less focus on details. Neurodivergents prefer bottom-up processing, which automatically inserts details. As we live in a society where the neurotypicals blissfully think they have the communication style for which everyone must conform, they often misread neurodivergent social cues. Neurodivergents go to great lengths to anticipate what another person's preferences might be, so as to not rock the boat, but sadly this doesn't often match with expectations. If we could just appreciate the remarkable opportunities, we could bridge the communication gap. 

As a society, we've been invalidating the neurodiverse experience. I think we need to realize the worth of the multitudes of paths of moving through life. We must all comprehend the customs and needs of other cultures. Yes, neurotypical and neurodivergent have their own social language cultures. 

With other neurodivergents, I get halfway through an example, and am interrupted with “yes, and plus.” The meeting doesn't stagnate. We laugh and move on down the road.

Please encourage others to ask questions. There is no onus on our divergent family to adapt and conform to neurotypical expectations of communications.

Neurodivergents are often told we use language inappropriately or are odd. I enjoy structure but then, when I don't know how to respond, I'm lost. I'm called rude and accused of trying to change the topic to be about me when I try to share a similar story in order to demonstrate that I understand your predicament. I'm not trying to take your spotlight. I just want you to know that I get it. I'm told that I'm a “storyteller” when I try to explain a topic in detail because I'm face blind and am not receiving any other clues that the others have got the picture. 

Divergents have spent most of our lives being told we're wrong and we don't fit in and we're different and odd in a bad way and we're not trying hard enough. We've been told we lack the ability to effectively weigh the pros and cons to understand the consequences of our decisions. When neurodiverse people work collectively, we somehow come together to find an answer that allows us to understand the “everything” about the consequences of our decisions. That conclusion implies that there is a varied methodology of translating and evaluating data and processing it. 

While some portion of the populace is able to focus out all the other distractions, divergent people have their ears, eyes, and all other sensory inputs on deafening all the time. It can be exceedingly difficult to filter out all of that noise. When you ask us how we prefer to have our sandwich, we may not hear you because the lights are too bright and it sounds too loud in here and somebody's tapping tapping tapping a pencil. It isn't personal. We are not purposefully being rude. Just ask again.

We have received this harsh damaging feedback for so many years, it's led to harmful situations individually and interpersonally, as well as been counterproductive to the community at large. The non-direct communication style rampant among neurotypicals is outright gaslighting of the neurodivergent populace. 

Due to deficit framing, we assume the only normal or correct way is the neurotypical way. It's an outdated assumption that signals to divergent humans that their natural style is a deficit to compensate for and that's what leads to misunderstandings. 

For example:

“Do you want to sweep the floor?” 

Answer: “No.” 

Then, the person is lost by the anger of the question asker, as they simply answered a direct question. We can be oblivious to the linguistic politeness, the subtlety of the subtext “I want you to do this but I'm not going to tell you directly. I'm going to ask you to do it as a question so you get that I want you to do it.” 

I'm not really sure how to interpret this. My mother used to make statements and, when I didn't respond, she'd get angry. I didn't respond because she wasn't asking a question. 

When someone tries to begin a conversation with someone and they start with something like a cliché or a colloquialism, a metaphor or some sort of subtle sarcasm, you can instigate a trickier reaction than you expect. The person will feel attacked, they'll have intense internal distress. This is called rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

It is really helpful to use our names and then give us a pause, to give us time to respond. Stay flexible. 

I encourage compassion. We should lift people up, not create a situation where they feel like their self-worth is negative because they don't interact or respond the same way you are comfortable with. We need, as neurodivergents, to communicate as clearly and unambiguously as possible. We try to keep our language free from euphemisms, metaphors, idioms, colloquialisms, sarcasm, and vagueness. 

Ask, “how do you prefer to be communicated with?” Ask, “how can I best support you?” 

I wish society would let go of shaming and denigrating people for not being the same. Stop forcing others to conform in order to exist. We can offer valuable perceptions, insights, and expressions derived from our unique practice of integrating with the universe. It will enhance the profoundness of our conversation! 

We need to see that this difference merely adds to the cornucopia and motley heterogeneity of the human experience. 

Some people prefer indirectness, implicit messages, indirect language, and they rely on social context. They convey meaning using tone of voice or modeling facial expressions. 

The neurodivergent prefers you to just state your request directly using dictionary definitions. We want to hear your thoughts and intentions explicitly without relying on subtle cues. We want a clear, literal language. 

“Do you want to go for coffee?”

“No. I don't drink coffee.”

I've been asked to go for coffee so many times, never catching on that a person was hitting on me. 

Due to the challenge of processing sensory information, occasionally you'll notice that we repeat patterns. This is because we found something that we thought worked, so we repeat it whether it's working or not. 

That's another thing for us all to discuss. We also love to rabbithole, hyperfocus intensely on specific topics of interest. If that is not your topic of interest, we are happy to try to talk about yours. Caveat: you have to tell us that you have no interest in our topics. We do not like small talk. We enjoy the literal translation. Leave out the metaphors and the clichés and idioms. Be patient and flexible. Support us. Seek to bridge the gap. 

We are all invaluable people. It is through using this precious resource of humans, who don't think like we do, who process information differently, that we will be able to see the additional colors, facets, and smells, observing the different viewpoints that are available to us to increase our comprehension of the universe. If we take the road less traveled, we'll have it in the bag!

Clichés 

By Turtle

A dead ringer of a man for all seasons

A jack of all trades and a master of none

Just a stone's throw away.

Can I open that can of worms?

Should be a no brainer

But I stand there like a pig in a poke

Bet my bottom dollar that I'd bite off more than I can chew!

Tell it to me straight, should I test the waters?

Hey Big Easy, wanna push the envelope?

I put out some feelers

I'm shooting for the moon

Just a shot in the dark

They say spare the rod, spoil the child

But, speak of the devil, I'll be dawned

In one fell swoop, we are in the rough

If I was any closer, he would bite me.

He's going to give me something to chew on!

In a nutshell, he'll fix my little red wagon!

He lays down the law, he leaves no stone unturned

He made a mad dash for it

He let the cat out of the bag.

I'm head over heels and

He's gone to ground, 

Going to give him a run for his money

Got off on the right foot and got spanked

I grin like a Cheshire cat, hand over fist

He's hard as a rock, hard to swallow

But I'm hanging in there

He'll go ballistic as I give him a hand

I'm a glutton for punishment 

Happy as a clam as we played hide the salami

He learned his lesson

He knew which side his bread is buttered on but he's toast

He's chomping at the bit

It's ride ‘em cowboy

I'm done horsing around

“I ought to tan your hide!” he says

I second that

Idle hands are the devil's workshop

I know it like the back of my hand

We don't kiss and tell

But now we are joined at the hip

Pound for pound, more fool you

We are more fun than a barrel of monkeys

The kiss ass jockeyed for position

He knows the ropes

He spins on a dime

No pain, no gain, my hands are tied

Nip & tick, I nip it in the bud

No holds barred!

Off the cuff, now or never, 

My knickers are already in a twist

Off the hook, down the hatch

Never say never — let's double Dutch

Peaches & cream, we are over a barrel

Once bitten, twice shy

On pins & needles, he packs it in

This won't hurt a bit!

Payback a bitch!

Message from the President

As I shared at the July Board Meeting, in our 25th Anniversary year the Board has been working hard toward growth and sustainability for the CSPC as an organization. In addition to working toward hiring a full-time Operations Manager to lead much of the administrative work that keeps the Center running smoothly, we have been actively continuing our search for a space to expand our services as a sex-positive community center as originally envisioned and operated for the CSPC’s first 17 years.

The CSPC Board is seeking community input related to the organization's search for a 24/7 space and the need for additional volunteer bandwidth to support our continued activities at Gallery Erato and a new expansion location.

The Building Committee has located a space in the Northup neighborhood in Bellevue that the CSPC can occupy 24/7 to expand our current party structure to include additional parties and many other kinds of community events — potluck munches, game nights, dedicated tasting nights, in-person discussion groups, skill shares, workshops, vendor fairs and more — IN ADDITION TO maintaining our current events at Gallery Erato. 

This space meets many, but not all, of the priority specifications established for a new space:

• This space is the lowest level of an office building owned by a cooperative dedicated to creating queer spaces who intentionally sought out the CSPC as a potential tenant. There is plentiful free parking surrounding the building and an elevator for ADA access. There are many bathrooms, including one with a shower, and the property owner has agreed to add laundry and kitchen facilities to our specifications so that we can wash our own sheets and host events that involve food service. There is one very large space with hardwood floors previously used as a karate dojo, plus several smaller spaces on the same level. 

• However, this space is not easily accessible via public transit, and the standard-height ceilings will limit the use of longer whips. We also have no guarantee that the city of Bellevue will approve our specific use at this location; we must sign a conditional lease before the city will consider a business license application (this is true of all potential new locations).

The decision to submit a non-binding Letter of Intent to sign a lease (and then sign a lease) is a big one. It is a big financial commitment, and the Board is still working through the numbers related to how many events and other activities will be required to break even and whether the time required to ramp up to those numbers can be supported by other resources.

It is also a big commitment by the community. Hosting more parties and other activities at a second space will require many more volunteers, including volunteers who are not currently active with our community. We need previous members, current members, and local sex-positive folx who are not yet members to consider whether this is a space they would support by attending events and by volunteering to make those events happen. 

Laundry facilities don’t matter if nobody is adding soap and bleach and pushing that hot water button, and it’s not safe to host events without a full complement of volunteers. Even in our current space, we often have important roles unfilled or filled at the last minute by Board members dedicated to keeping our doors open for members. We are currently considering a new event cancellation policy for events that don’t have essential roles filled at least 48 hours prior to the event time to ensure that we can maintain the CSPC’s standards for safety.

Please respond to the 2024 Community Survey here to share your thoughts about this opportunity, your ability and willingness to contribute as a community volunteer, and on our efforts to expand in general. This survey is widely available, with one response per email address possible to ensure that we avoid duplication (you must sign in with an email address to respond). 

Please complete this survey and share with your local partners and friends. The CSPC is an organization by and for its members, and it is critical that we have the membership’s support in this decision. The link for sharing this survey is: https://forms.gle/68ePF4PwUUVYWQB28

Thank you all for all the ways you contribute to helping our community thrive. Here’s to our next 25 years! <3

Community Matters: Message from the President

I have a nasty relationship habit of blaming myself when things are rough and just doubling down internally on working harder to fix it myself instead of engaging my partner in developing solutions that will work for both of us. Often, my partners don’t even realize just how much I’m struggling. I realized a few weeks ago that the Board has fallen into this pattern since the beginning of the pandemic, and we need to share with the membership just how challenging our work has become so that we can work together toward solutions.

I am concerned about the ongoing sustainability of the CSPC organization if we aren't able to restructure the way our leadership is managed. Leadership volunteers are exhausted to the point of burnout, and we aren’t seeing broad participation by volunteers who are actively growing their experience and engagement with an intention to eventually step into leadership roles.

I believe that to be sustainable into the future, the CSPC needs to be attracting, training, and retaining more leadership volunteers, especially EC's, and we need to be considering a long term paid operations leadership position. 

The first step for growing our volunteer corps, including those on a pathway to leadership, is to consult a nonprofit attorney about how we can recognize (not "compensate") volunteers without running afoul of tax laws either for our 501(c)(7) nonprofit organization or our volunteers. At the June 2024 Board meeting, the Board approved the expense for an initial legal consultation toward this effort.

During most of our 25-year history, we had a managing director handling the day-to-day operations of the organization, and I believe it is also time to return to that practice. The first step toward hiring a managing director is for the Board to review our financial position carefully and determine a budget that the organization can sustain as a salary, then develop a job description that will take on many of the administrative responsibilities that the Board and other volunteers have been performing for the last four years. We will be working on this in the coming months. 

In addition to providing space for smaller and more community gatherings–potlucks, game nights, discussion groups, skill shares, and others in addition to parties–I believe that expanding into a new space will create opportunities to attract new volunteers from a new (and previous) membership base who will not participate in events at the Gallery for a variety of accessibility reasons, but we must address the issues of leadership burnout and volunteer scarcity, with or without an expansion space. Without more volunteers, we would not be able to safely schedule activities at an additional space

The CSPC is strong, and we have grown even stronger in the nine years since we lost our original home in Interbay. We provide welcoming access to diverse, supportive community that encourages the celebration, development, and exploration of each person’s unique sexuality and sensuality. I believe in this community’s power to create the organization, spaces, and events that we want to be part of, but that requires all of us to do our part.

Enormous thanks to those of you who have been stepping up this year: to all our Frolic volunteers, all our Pride volunteers, our two new Board members, and those who have expressed interest in joining the Board and who are working toward greater leadership responsibilities. Thank you to our (almost) 12 EC’s (including those nearing completion of the extended training process for this critical role) and to the many, many volunteers who make our events possible. Thank you to the volunteers who write our newsletter, update our website, answer emails, meet the laundry person, clean up flood damage, lead new member orientation, tech host our online discussion groups, moderate our Discord server, and so much more. You all are fucking rock stars.

I invite you to share your thoughts with the Board via the Feedback form on the front page of the website. If you see a need where you are willing and able to put your own skills to use, please propose a solution that you can lead. Got a great idea for something new and the bandwidth to help make it happen? Share it with us! The CSPC is an organization with events and other community services created by and for our members. Your creativity and passion are needed, now and always. <3

Community Matters: It's Time for Pride!

Welcome to Pride Month! Pride is a celebration of publicly embracing our authentic sexual and gender identities. The last weekend in June is dedicated to remembering the drag queens, trans folx, gender non-conforming humans, and all LGBTQIA+ people who stood up for their right to occupy public space in the Stonewall Uprising (learn more here). This basic human right is still under attack in many corners of America and around the world, so let’s step out and make our voices heard in support of “Sexual Freedom for Everyone”! 

Visit the CSPC booth at Trans Pride in Volunteer Park on Friday, June 28; at the Capitol Hill festivities on Saturday, June 29; and at Seattle Center on Sunday, June 30. Come get your special Pride-edition wristband and hand-fan! Explore more Seattle Pride Month events. 

And of course, join the CSPC community in the Pride Parade on June 30! This year's Seattle Pride Parade will have more than 250 local and national nonprofits, corporations, and community groups celebrating 50 years of collective resistance, publicly standing in our authentic selves without shame. This year’s theme echoes the rallying cry of the first Seattle Pride in 1974 — NOW!

We will share more details about where to find us at each event later this month. Whether you drop by one of our tabling events, watch the parade from the sidelines, or march with us (or ride on the float!), here are a few tips for taking care of yourself during Pride:

• Pay attention to your own capacity. There are so many exciting events happening June 28-30 that it will be easy to push yourself too hard to do All The Things.

• Have an exit plan in case of emergency, including a way to communicate with others in your group in case of separation. Prioritize your own well-being.

• Have a meet-up spot planned ahead of time in case you get separated from your group and someone loses their phone.

• Be aware of your surroundings, and report anything that raises red flags. The US State Department has issued a Worldwide Caution travel advisory related to large LGBTQIA+ gatherings. Pride is a time of celebration, but it is still a political demonstration of resistance to the many ways trans, queer, and other sexual minorities face attempted erasure, active discrimination, and violence around the world.

• Check out a map of the area where you're going to celebrate. If you are unfamiliar with Capitol Hill, Volunteer Park, or Seattle Center, take a look at Google maps or the associated website. Get an idea of how to get there and home, what roads may be closed to traffic and what bus routes exist and if they will be affected by the gatherings. Having an idea where the bathrooms are is never a bad idea. 

• Carry your valuables in a front pocket or other protected area. Garden-variety crimes like pickpocketing or car prowls happen anywhere crowds gather.

• Wear sunscreen, even if it’s cloudy or cool. The worst sunburns happen when you’re not expecting it. Hats and clothing that block the sun are a plus. 

• Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate! Your body will thank you. Bring some water or ‘sports drink’ with you, and some snacks to keep your energy up.

• Have fun! Dress for your own joy and celebrate being your own fabulous self out in the world with your sex-positive community. 

• Remember: you are loved. <3

Join us and show off your CSPC Pride! Please email us at pride@thecspc.org to volunteer or get on the list of parade participants. We will be sending out meet-up information to folx on the list very soon. 

CSPC Pride 2024 - Call for Volunteers!

Where’s Your Flair? Pride Volunteers Needed! 

It’s May 2 today, and Pride is June 30. Wow! Two short months to work on our 25th Anniversary theme, source decorations, recruit marchers, build a float, and show up to share in the ecstasy of energy that is Seattle Pride. We are looking for a few people to help with the prep work and the day of execution. This includes the Tabling Organizers for Saturday and Sunday, Tabling Representatives, Float Lead, Float Decorations Lead, and Parade Marchers Lead. Email Pride@thecspc.org to express interest or ask questions.

Finding Freedom in Fear: Part 2

By Turtle 

Read Part 1 HERE.

Part 2 will cover techniques and other referential possibilities that you can utilize to diminish the fear effect over time.

• Techniques: 4Rs and 3Cs

• Foods

• Over the Counter: always do your own research and consult your physician 

• Skills

• Apps

The four Rs of Resilience:

1. Rest - sleep

2. Relaxation - stress relief

3. Replenishment - diet

4. Release - exercise

Following these well-documented ideas can help set the stage (your body and mind) for successful scenes, relationships, and a fantastic life.

It's easier to be in control of your “self” if you set yourself up for success. Get adequate sleep by practicing good sleep hygiene. Most of your REM cycles are toward the end of your sleeping cycle. Make sure the last part of your sleep period is undisturbed. If you feel your body start to be reactive, immediately start using calming techniques. 

Relax doing something you really enjoy. If you can't do your favorite hobby, for example,, then use a positive memory of it to begin quieting your mind. Imagine yourself running or playing the flute, painting, or riding a motorcycle, whatever you love.

Everyone knows how important it is to eat properly. However, many are stuck in the old food pyramid taught in elementary school. The incredible amount of research available can be overwhelming. Start by reviewing the basics or talk to a licensed nutritionist. Sometimes this may mean preparing healthy meals for the next day for a special playdate later in the evening. 

Exercise in whatever manner you can. Exercise can consist of meditation and envisioning yourself doing something athletic that you enjoy. People will often make excuses because they don't have the time to get out and do their preferred activity. Or they might have a difficult diagnosis that interferes with the ability to exercise. So, we need to do what we can mentally. This might be sitting in one place and clenching your toes, then slowly moving up your body, squeezing and relaxing all the muscles as you go. You are checking in with yourself. The more you do this, the more cognizant of your internal landscape you will become and it will help you move forward to remaining healthy as you get older.

The three Cs of handling anxiety:

1. Calm Techniques - calm your body

2. Coping Strategies - correct your thinking

3. Communication Skills - confront your fears

The three Cs are the next step to building resilience by handling how you respond to your experience. 

We all have moments of “cognitive distortion.” This is often displayed by assumptions that cause us to jump to conclusions using faulty logic and then overthinking by chasing the idea around and around and around in our heads.

This can happen by assuming the “what” others think of us or the “why” others did something a certain way. It ramps up our anxiety and releases the hormones that raise our blood pressure and breathing rate. Then, should we apply that anxiety to whatever event or thing we are nervous about in the first place, the wheels come off our ability to reason. We become prey in our lizard brain, running from an apocalypse. 

Calming your body can be done with a wide variety of techniques ranging from rhythmic breathing to visualization to simply being present at the moment. The internet, your friends and family, and the doctor will all have ideas for you. Try out many different techniques and keep those that work best for you personally!

Coping strategies can be doing a stable repetition of activities that take your brain “offline” from the rat race. This can be as simple as reading, writing, having a slow cup of tea, a long bath, gaming…anything that allows your gray matter to shift gears daily. These also include more advanced ideas such as personal or group therapy, support groups, and cognitive behavioral therapy.

The more advanced technique discussed above can also be utilized to confront your fears, reframe what you are experiencing, and communicate your needs both to others and yourself. It's healthy to question yourself and challenge your thoughts. Some patterns are ingrained in us as children and this is the best way to make choices for yourself versus just rewriting someone else's history. Accept your anxiety and ask yourself what it is trying to tell you. Perhaps something you learned by rote as a child is irritating your current self because you have a core belief that needs to be questioned and refrained.

Brain Foods: 

Just a short list of foods that have been shown to help focus and mental resilience. Which ones do you enjoy?

Extra dark chocolate, leafy greens, broccoli, avocados, green tea, chia or flax seeds, beans and lentils, bananas, honey, eggs, peanuts/natural peanut butter

Over the Counter/Natural Remedies: (always do your own research and consult your physician)

• B-9 & B-12 (to help metabolize serotonin)

• 5-HTP (for focus)

• CBD

• Kava kava

• Chamomile 

• Lavender

• Omega-3 fatty acids

• Folic Acid

• L-theanine

• Magnesium 

• Ashwagandha

• Valerian root

• Vitamin D

Skills

1. Meditation

2. Music

3. Relaxation Techniques

4. Breathing - breathe through the panic

5. Avoid stimulants like coffee, alcohol, caffeine, energy drinks

6. Exercise

7. Share your feelings in a safe atmosphere 

8. Challenge yourself for growth (face your fears, imagine the worst and rewrite the possibilities, look at real documented evidence to apply against fearful thoughts, exposure therapy)

9. Take time out and reward yourself.

10. Go back to the basics of living. Stick to a routine.

11. Remind yourself of ways to stay safe. Have a plan.

12. Learn to be assertive and build your self-esteem.

13. Don't try to be “perfect.” It's a false illusion. Be yourself! 

14. Have fun!

Apps

Apps for your phone and computer can help develop resilience, expand your horizons, unlock personal growth, and increase your well-being and fulfillment. Do your own research and use one that actually stimulates your mind so that you'll use it effectively. 

Finding Freedom In Fear, Part 1

by Turtle

Trigger Warning: The following article discusses cutting, edge play, and blood play.

Fear is one of the basics of the human experience. People argue whether it's physical or emotional, or whether both feed off of each other to create a more intense experience. There's also quite a bit of confusion for non-psychology professionals about where anxiety ends and fear starts.

[TW: Edge Play (cutting)] 

Feel free to skip ahead to the next section. 

I'm remembering my first *attempt* at a cutting scene. My owner, at the time, did not prepare me for what was to follow. He hung up plastic, but I was sitting in my required pre-scene pose and couldn't see what was being set up. When I was told to stand, I could see a medical setup and scalpels. 

I froze. I didn't blink. I didn't inhale or exhale until prodded to take my position standing at the cross. 

“Breathe,” he whispered in my ear. He touched me firmly to calm me, holding my shoulders square. 

I squeezed my eyes shut. My pulse accelerated like a bomb in my chest. I fought to maintain my breathing, focusing on the very act itself. The world narrowed to a cataclysmic single point. I heard him snap on gloves. The fire of the scalpel cut lightly on my upper back. I felt a drop of warm blood drip slowly, rolling in an infinitely micro motion down my spine. I learned what the word “swoon” means. My view of the world tilted, warped like looking through water. The ground upended. I was ignominiously on my ass on the plastic, cold concrete sharp on my skin. 

He was disappointed but realized I needed different tactics. Aftercare was imminent. 

On another day, we sat in his man cave. He laid out all his tools for the scene. He explained how they were used. The dynamics of skin and choosing patterns as well as what I can expect to experience. 

Another day, I watched him do several small cuttings on other people. I assisted by handing him tools and caring for the bottom. 

Finally, he told me that we'd be doing a cutting scene the following week. I was assigned to think up every dire situation and try to imagine it. It's rather difficult. (Understatement!) Lastly, on that fateful day, he had me do the scene setup. Instead of standing, I sat backwards in a chair. I chose two small designs and traced them on tattoo paper, a triquetra and a pentagram. The scene was an exponentially divergent intimacy in comparison to my previous attempt. 

The decorative cuttings were refreshed several times over two years. They can still be seen as faint scars on the back of each shoulder. 

I've come to love blood play. 

I'm certainly a long way down the road from passing out.

[END TW]

Anxiety and fear are reactions to events and objects — real or imagined — that a human is triggered by. Things we sense as a threat to ourselves psychologically, emotionally, or physically. They trigger our “lizard brain” to dust off our survival instincts. Most will act to protect themselves and what they care for in whatever manner that they can, no matter how extreme it appears to other viewers. Fear trips into phobia when it alters our normal responses and interferes with life. 

You are an entire being. Everything you experience affects the rest of your reality. Whether it’s anxiety built up due to a big, stressful event (e.g., a death, a wedding, moving) or a bunch of smaller issues (e.g., being late from work, low sleep, poor diet, high anticipation), the stockpile of stress can escalate high anxiety to a state of pure fear when you enter a new BDSM or sexual experience. You become much more sensitive to upsetting your internal weathervane. 

Your inner self can be operated with the awareness of how the dominoes fall so you can prepare to avoid it. Physically, your heart rate and blood pressure quicken. This is due to the amygdala early warning system alerting your body to prepare to “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn,” flooding your body with hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. If you are paying attention, you can feel the flush like a wave crashing through your body. The emotions you are feeling at that instant dictate how you react to the hormones; pleasure or fear. 

NOTE: I'll tell you how to hijack your brain for pleasure later. 

Some of your brain will short out, while the rest takes off like a Ferrari in the European Grand Prix. Your reasoning is offline and rationalizing is now impaired. 404 Error! 

Determining what is real and NOT real goes out the window. Although many people are still convinced they are acting rationally, it's clear their brain chemistry is altered. 

People who enjoy horror movies or who have harnessed their fears can learn to wait out the hormone flush rush to experience the high of leftover dopamine once the fear subsides. Dopamine elicits pleasure. It's called the excitation-transfer process. It is one of the reasons people are drawn to BDSM and new sexual proclivities.

How to deal with high anxiety and fear in the moment. 

1. Miscount. Ask your partner to have you repeat after them. Then, they just miscount numbers. Example: 43, 72, 12, 55, 1. It interrupts your brain pattern. 

2. The 5-4-3-2-1 method. 

1. Name five things you can see. 

2. Name four things you can touch.

3. Name three things you can hear. 

4. Name two things you can smell.

5. Name one thing you can taste.

3. The 3-3-3 method is similar. 

1. Name three things you can hear.

2. Name three things you can see. 

3. Name three different body parts. 

4. Relaxation Technique: Shrug your shoulders up to your ears and hold for a few seconds. Then, drop them back to their normal position.

5. Breathing to four counts. 

1. Count to four slowly as you breathe IN through your nose. 

2. Count to four as you breathe OUT through your mouth. 

6. “Squirrel!” Distract yourself with your go-to giggle today. I saw a video of a dog who learned to catch the same poor mole over and over for his treat fix. Then, he taught his doggy friends. Someone just saying “moles for dog treats” will set me to internal giggle. 

Lastly, how to hijack your own brain! 

This requires practice but is well worth it. Choose a memory of true joy, a huge moment of transformative joy. I have a short list of go-to best hits. My best friend's memory is of getting married. He turns instantly into a big, happy, romantic goof! I love it! 

You will imagine it fully, using all your senses. Full senses: smell it, feel it, taste it, hear it, see it. Be in that moment! If it was sunny, feel the sun on your skin. Practice it randomly several times a day until you can instantly be there in your mind. Then, when you feel that hormone flush, let yourself be in that joyful moment and your brain will switch the gear from fear to pleasure. It takes practice, but is well worth the effort! Neuroplasticity for the win!