By Turtle
There are some language skills that neurotypicals use to communicate that make it easier said than done for the neurodivergent to understand. For example: it's a dog eat dog world. Really? Do dogs really eat each other? I thought that was a human thing. “You are in the dog house.” I'm told this means that I've committed some ghastly faux pas. However, my brain is asking, “Why? What dog house? Where? What did I do?”
I don't know. I'm not sure what context that was meant in. “I'm walking on eggshells around you” or “you should let it slide, like water run off a duck's back.” Sometimes people draw a “line in the sand” or “put lipstick on a pig.” Since I've never lived in those exact particular circumstances, my brain says, “why would you put lipstick on a pig? What do you mean by that?”
Part of the issue with clichés is that they are intended to be used as innuendo or with sarcasm. Those are parts of speech that the neurodivergent largely chooses to ignore. We find them perplexing to fathom. Often, even neurotypicals don't decipher the reference fully and use a phrase incorrectly. Neurotypicals expect us to conform without the added benefit of asking, “what do you mean by that?” It feels displacing if you haven't experienced the exact circumstances of the cliché.
A reliance on stereotypes leads to more confusion in communications. When people use clichés, a neurodivergent can feel like someone isn't paying attention and then use a trite phrase off the top of their head to blow us off. We feel it's unoriginal, lacking creativity or perhaps intelligence. The only thing that might be worse is using “fuck” as all the different parts of speech. Albeit, that is paradoxically fun and oxymoronic to boot!
My friend will forever hate a particular therapist telling her “to get to the point, stop focusing on the trees and give her the forest already!!” (from the saying "can't see the forest for the trees").
And I'm like ????? The forest **IS** trees??? How the fuck can I give you the forest without the trees?????
Needless to say, she didn't keep her as her therapist....
We humans have a double empathy problem. We are most likely to understand individuals of our own neurotype. There's an innate kinship.
They are two different social languages and processing styles, neither one is superior or inferior. Neurodivergent are often made to feel lacking…like we're slow, we have no credibility, or we're even trying to be deceptive, due to the existence of a higher percentage of neurotypicals in the general populace. Bizarrely, we are trying to communicate using neurotypical patterns, which essentially means we have to translate an unfamiliar language and respond while still in NT 101. Neurotypicals tend to demonstrate a top-down processing style which allows for rampant intuition use and less focus on details. Neurodivergents prefer bottom-up processing, which automatically inserts details. As we live in a society where the neurotypicals blissfully think they have the communication style for which everyone must conform, they often misread neurodivergent social cues. Neurodivergents go to great lengths to anticipate what another person's preferences might be, so as to not rock the boat, but sadly this doesn't often match with expectations. If we could just appreciate the remarkable opportunities, we could bridge the communication gap.
As a society, we've been invalidating the neurodiverse experience. I think we need to realize the worth of the multitudes of paths of moving through life. We must all comprehend the customs and needs of other cultures. Yes, neurotypical and neurodivergent have their own social language cultures.
With other neurodivergents, I get halfway through an example, and am interrupted with “yes, and plus.” The meeting doesn't stagnate. We laugh and move on down the road.
Please encourage others to ask questions. There is no onus on our divergent family to adapt and conform to neurotypical expectations of communications.
Neurodivergents are often told we use language inappropriately or are odd. I enjoy structure but then, when I don't know how to respond, I'm lost. I'm called rude and accused of trying to change the topic to be about me when I try to share a similar story in order to demonstrate that I understand your predicament. I'm not trying to take your spotlight. I just want you to know that I get it. I'm told that I'm a “storyteller” when I try to explain a topic in detail because I'm face blind and am not receiving any other clues that the others have got the picture.
Divergents have spent most of our lives being told we're wrong and we don't fit in and we're different and odd in a bad way and we're not trying hard enough. We've been told we lack the ability to effectively weigh the pros and cons to understand the consequences of our decisions. When neurodiverse people work collectively, we somehow come together to find an answer that allows us to understand the “everything” about the consequences of our decisions. That conclusion implies that there is a varied methodology of translating and evaluating data and processing it.
While some portion of the populace is able to focus out all the other distractions, divergent people have their ears, eyes, and all other sensory inputs on deafening all the time. It can be exceedingly difficult to filter out all of that noise. When you ask us how we prefer to have our sandwich, we may not hear you because the lights are too bright and it sounds too loud in here and somebody's tapping tapping tapping a pencil. It isn't personal. We are not purposefully being rude. Just ask again.
We have received this harsh damaging feedback for so many years, it's led to harmful situations individually and interpersonally, as well as been counterproductive to the community at large. The non-direct communication style rampant among neurotypicals is outright gaslighting of the neurodivergent populace.
Due to deficit framing, we assume the only normal or correct way is the neurotypical way. It's an outdated assumption that signals to divergent humans that their natural style is a deficit to compensate for and that's what leads to misunderstandings.
For example:
“Do you want to sweep the floor?”
Answer: “No.”
Then, the person is lost by the anger of the question asker, as they simply answered a direct question. We can be oblivious to the linguistic politeness, the subtlety of the subtext “I want you to do this but I'm not going to tell you directly. I'm going to ask you to do it as a question so you get that I want you to do it.”
I'm not really sure how to interpret this. My mother used to make statements and, when I didn't respond, she'd get angry. I didn't respond because she wasn't asking a question.
When someone tries to begin a conversation with someone and they start with something like a cliché or a colloquialism, a metaphor or some sort of subtle sarcasm, you can instigate a trickier reaction than you expect. The person will feel attacked, they'll have intense internal distress. This is called rejection sensitivity dysphoria.
It is really helpful to use our names and then give us a pause, to give us time to respond. Stay flexible.
I encourage compassion. We should lift people up, not create a situation where they feel like their self-worth is negative because they don't interact or respond the same way you are comfortable with. We need, as neurodivergents, to communicate as clearly and unambiguously as possible. We try to keep our language free from euphemisms, metaphors, idioms, colloquialisms, sarcasm, and vagueness.
Ask, “how do you prefer to be communicated with?” Ask, “how can I best support you?”
I wish society would let go of shaming and denigrating people for not being the same. Stop forcing others to conform in order to exist. We can offer valuable perceptions, insights, and expressions derived from our unique practice of integrating with the universe. It will enhance the profoundness of our conversation!
We need to see that this difference merely adds to the cornucopia and motley heterogeneity of the human experience.
Some people prefer indirectness, implicit messages, indirect language, and they rely on social context. They convey meaning using tone of voice or modeling facial expressions.
The neurodivergent prefers you to just state your request directly using dictionary definitions. We want to hear your thoughts and intentions explicitly without relying on subtle cues. We want a clear, literal language.
“Do you want to go for coffee?”
“No. I don't drink coffee.”
I've been asked to go for coffee so many times, never catching on that a person was hitting on me.
Due to the challenge of processing sensory information, occasionally you'll notice that we repeat patterns. This is because we found something that we thought worked, so we repeat it whether it's working or not.
That's another thing for us all to discuss. We also love to rabbithole, hyperfocus intensely on specific topics of interest. If that is not your topic of interest, we are happy to try to talk about yours. Caveat: you have to tell us that you have no interest in our topics. We do not like small talk. We enjoy the literal translation. Leave out the metaphors and the clichés and idioms. Be patient and flexible. Support us. Seek to bridge the gap.
We are all invaluable people. It is through using this precious resource of humans, who don't think like we do, who process information differently, that we will be able to see the additional colors, facets, and smells, observing the different viewpoints that are available to us to increase our comprehension of the universe. If we take the road less traveled, we'll have it in the bag!
Clichés
By Turtle
A dead ringer of a man for all seasons
A jack of all trades and a master of none
Just a stone's throw away.
Can I open that can of worms?
Should be a no brainer
But I stand there like a pig in a poke
Bet my bottom dollar that I'd bite off more than I can chew!
Tell it to me straight, should I test the waters?
Hey Big Easy, wanna push the envelope?
I put out some feelers
I'm shooting for the moon
Just a shot in the dark
They say spare the rod, spoil the child
But, speak of the devil, I'll be dawned
In one fell swoop, we are in the rough
If I was any closer, he would bite me.
He's going to give me something to chew on!
In a nutshell, he'll fix my little red wagon!
He lays down the law, he leaves no stone unturned
He made a mad dash for it
He let the cat out of the bag.
I'm head over heels and
He's gone to ground,
Going to give him a run for his money
Got off on the right foot and got spanked
I grin like a Cheshire cat, hand over fist
He's hard as a rock, hard to swallow
But I'm hanging in there
He'll go ballistic as I give him a hand
I'm a glutton for punishment
Happy as a clam as we played hide the salami
He learned his lesson
He knew which side his bread is buttered on but he's toast
He's chomping at the bit
It's ride ‘em cowboy
I'm done horsing around
“I ought to tan your hide!” he says
I second that
Idle hands are the devil's workshop
I know it like the back of my hand
We don't kiss and tell
But now we are joined at the hip
Pound for pound, more fool you
We are more fun than a barrel of monkeys
The kiss ass jockeyed for position
He knows the ropes
He spins on a dime
No pain, no gain, my hands are tied
Nip & tick, I nip it in the bud
No holds barred!
Off the cuff, now or never,
My knickers are already in a twist
Off the hook, down the hatch
Never say never — let's double Dutch
Peaches & cream, we are over a barrel
Once bitten, twice shy
On pins & needles, he packs it in
This won't hurt a bit!
Payback a bitch!
