Talking About Safer Sex

by Eirikah Delaunay

As part of the sex positive community, you know consent and negotiation are essential for having the pleasurable interactions you desire. When you’re excited to play with a sexy someone new or explore that fantasy you’ve had for years, it can be tempting to focus on all the juicy goodness you’re planning and avoid conversations that might bring up feelings of shame or that might risk rejection. However, your health and safety matter, and so do the health and safety of our community. 

As sex positive people, we are more likely to have more than one sexual partner, which means that our sexual health potentially impacts an expanding network of people who enjoy sexytimes together. Yet, when I went to get tested for STIs most recently, I had to argue with my doctor to get certain tests, like the blood test for HSV1 and HSV2. Then, when my test came back positive for HSV1, she advised me not to disclose my status to potential partners because of the “stigma” associated with STIs and because “people don’t really change their behavior based on test results anyway.” She never seems to get that if we all disclosed, we could eliminate the stigma. And whether people change their behavior or not, it’s my job to make sure that my partners can give me truly informed consent, which includes being informed about my health and my boundaries for safer sex. 

Consider practicing the STARS model of basic negotiation developed by Dr. Evelin Dacker:

S - STI Status: When was your last STI testing? What were the results?

T - Turn Ons: What turns you on? What would you like to do with me?

A - Avoids: What are your limits? What squicks you?

R - Relationship Intentions: Sex, romance, friendship, or some combination?

S - Safer Sex Practices: How do you protect yourself from pregnancy & STI transmission?

It’s your responsibility to communicate your STI status to your potential partners, and it’s your right to request their status, too. Discussing and respecting each other’s boundaries and protocols for safer sex is foundational for consent. This might mean using condoms, dams, gloves, or other barriers. It might also mean negotiating the kinds of contact you have with other partners and their STI status if you want to forego barriers. 

Be explicit about your boundaries. Different people can have very different practices. Condoms for penis-in-vagina, but no barriers for oral sex? Barriers for everything below the waist, but mouth kissing is fine? No barriers with one partner, but barriers with others? There are so many possible configurations! None of them are more “right” than another, but they do carry different levels of risk. Educate yourself on the risks and make the decisions that are right for you.

What if your partner’s safer sex practices are different from yours? Honoring consent means honoring the practices of the partner who is most risk-averse without guilt tripping or shaming. If that’s not for you, be honest about that, too. Maybe your risk profiles aren’t compatible, but at least you can maintain trust and integrity with each other and the community.

Remember to have these conversations before beginning play. Once the action has started, it’s hard to slow down to consider the finer points of getting and giving informed consent. For instance, this can happen in pick up play where you are seeking a certain experience, and you’re not focused on building a relationship. It’s easy to just go with the flow and see where things lead, consenting moment-to-moment as the action progresses, but you’re missing the “informed” part of consent when you don’t discuss STIs and safer sex first.

Safer sex practices are especially important for consensually non-monogamous folx, as we are honoring relationship agreements that serve our partners and our partners’ partners (and so on and so on…). We’re excited to have a guest speaker about STIs and safer sex at the online More Amoré Discussion Group on February 12! Register now to join us and learn more about taking care of your sexy self and your partners while reducing the awkwardness of having “the talk.”

Consent: The Path In and Out + Unpushing the Panic Button

Consent: The Path In and Out

Written by: Turtle and Sequentialized

Contributors: CSPC ND/DG, Chris, Clint, Kathryn, Jae, Jon, Saint, Scarlett, Seranine, and Teeebone

We decided to have a blunt conversation about our needs around consent and neurodiversity. We want to know when we have consent and we want our partners to know when they have our consent with no ambiguity!

Consent wraps itself in so many deep-seated patterns surrounded by generational- and geographical-specific minutiae that it can appear incomprehensible to the average human before you even add neurodiversity to the mix. Indeed, no one hands you a cheat sheet of codes at puberty to help you jump through the initial hoops of the social menagerie. Instead, we all believe we are alone in our shame, feeling lost in confusion, mixed signals, and bullies taking advantage until we memorize the unspoken secret language of flirtation and implied consent.

This is what neurotypicals (NTs) experience and seem to accept as standard operating procedures. Neurodivergent (ND) people find this “shared language” world exceedingly confusing and prefer a literal language, like dictionary definitions. (What I actually said is what I literally meant.) For example: “I want your banana,” means I want your banana, as in fruit, not, “I want to suck your dick,” which could be considered banana-shaped when hard.

Often, neurodivergents will go along with whatever is going on because a past trauma experience leaves them feeling unsafe to say no, or they can’t read body language and suddenly find themselves in too deep to get out without experiencing severe rejection. They experience one of the four F’s of trauma response: Freeze, Fight, Flight, and Fawn. NTs assume consent because the ND did not specifically say “No” or “Stop.” Later, with the lag of trauma response, the neurodivergent could feel increasingly violated but blame themselves for not saying “No.” But they also never said “Yes.” It is important to us that our partners get an express and enthusiastic “YES!” from us!

NOTE 1: Many NDs grow up being told they are not enough or being rejected for not being neurotypical, which leads to Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). RSD occurs when you experience an intense or overwhelming emotional sensitivity to criticism or rejection. It can be a learned emotional response or you may be genetically predisposed to it.

NOTE 2: Alternately, other NDs struggle with internalized ableism. Lauren Presutti, writing for the Christopher and Dana Reeve Foundation, puts it this way: “Internalized ableism is when we project negative feelings onto ourselves. This happens when we start to believe how society labels disability as inferior. We start to believe the stereotypes. Internalized ableism occurs when we are so heavily influenced by the stereotypes, misconceptions, and discrimination against people with disabilities that we start to believe that our disabilities really do make us inferior” (Presutti, 2021). We observe this to mean that we do not deserve to ask for our needs to be met in any way, shape, or form. 

We feel that there are at least three types of thinkers: NTs, NDs, and neurotranslators. Translators seem to be in a small percentage; however, they can easily discourse within the communication matrix of either group. They are a lovely addition to any mixed population and really smooth out the ability to share ideas.

The Struggle

We NDs feel like we tell our counterparts what we need, and who we are…and they tear it apart looking for a secret code. They just then do whatever they want without also communicating the same information in return. We recognize that perhaps they are just not used to participating like this or perhaps have negative emotions surrounding such sharing. We are not trying to project any emotions necessarily. We just want information for better understanding. We wonder if the other person is cognitively inflexible. 

Understand that we process things in a multitude of different ways, some that we may share, while others we may not as we tend to be very internally wired humans. But all you have to do is ask, and when we are ready and feel safe, most likely we will share. Please try your best to be supportive and not be derogatory or humiliate us.

Ultimately, for enthusiastic consent from a neurodivergent:

• Know when someone is capable of giving consent.*

• Tell us very specifically what you want using actual names for body parts.

• Point to where we can touch and what we can take off.

• Tell us what the end of the scene looks like.

• Show us how to please you.

• Be open to let us show you exactly what pleases us. Be open to hearing exactly what we want to touch, lick, kiss, fuck, hit, punch, etc.

• Be on time.

• Follow up afterward.

• Honor our boundaries.

• Ask, “Is this ok?” whenever you need to or when we get that fearful look in our eyes.

We spoke about “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg as a reference for better communication skills. 

*Another fantastic reference! https://www.consent.academy

A Kiss Is Not A Contract - Flight Of The Conchords (Lyrics)

Quotes from the ND/DG

“We have so much processing from having our boundaries ignored as children and having masked ourselves all day at work that we can get accidentally pressured into agreeing to things we wouldn’t agree to when not exhausted.”

“If asleep or passed out or someone’s body is responding to your violation—that doesn’t give consent.”

“The moment when the puzzle pieces click much later is intense and isolating. The context is lost to most and is quite vivid in my mind.”

“I’ve always been afraid to say no.”

“I'm glad there are communities such as this for support. Each of your journeys is so very valid.”

Unpushing the Panic Button

Companion Piece to “Consent: The Path In and Out”

By Turtle (written November 23, 2022)

I’m sitting in the corner of the stacks

Heavy mahogany shelving reaching into the clouds of my mind

Ladders cling, fragilely skimming my imagination as it cavorts among authors and genres.

My eyes stray over the edge of my latest conquest…dragons and mummies and mimes oh my

To my dreams in reality—flesh and blood, cloth and leather.

Sandy, semi-pulled-back hair, some trailing

Their jawline as they nibble errantly on a pencil.

Unknowing I’m watching…again.

Unknowing of my very existence.

I doubt I deserve someone so awesome.

If they turn out to be fantastic…

“How can they be anything but amazing?” I ask myself

As I paint graceful fairy wings on their back.

Do wolves fly? They look like a cute fluffy wolf.

Perhaps a wolf with wings is weird.

I watch their throat move serpentine as they swallow from their water bottle.

What would it feel like if they swallowed me?

They stand. Oh no.

Turn my way.

I scooch down. Folding myself on the hardwood chair.

They walk down the row I’m seated at the end of.

I can’t breathe. 

I freeze.

TERROR POURS INTO ME.

What if they saw me?

What if they are going to tell me to stop staring and violating their space?

I’m going to throw up!

I feel dizzy!

Maybe I will pass out!

PAUSE. BREATHE.

They are facing away from me

Searching the shelf for a specific book.

It’s worse than rejection.

They don’t even see me. 

I’m invisible.

Thoughts spiral wildly in an endless, infinite moment.

They pull an enormous dusty tome.

“Oof!” I hear as I drop my head to hide behind my hair.

A large intake of breath and they exhale to blow the dust off the book.

BOOF!

Wheeze! Cough!

I’m hacking like a cat with a hairball!

“OMG are you ok?”

“Inhaler…” I gasp while blindly fumbling with the front pouch of my green backpack.

They gently remove the bag from my grasping fingers and pull out my inhaler

Assembling it with its spacer properly in a blink.

“Here.”

Hiss. Suuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk. (HOLD) Huuuuuuuuhhhhhh.

Hiss. Suuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk. (HOLD) Huuuuuuuuhhhhhh.

A tear runs down my cheek as the horrible feeling of being unable to breathe eases.

Their warm palm cups my face.

My eyes widen as I flick them up.

I’m making eye contact.

Direct eye contact.

They are green looking into my blue and they don’t look away.

I forget to breathe.

What is air anyway?

Their thumb lightly brushes away my tear

The trail of wetness slowly dries as my face begins to warm.

Still, they look into my eyes.

How long has it been?

When will they move?

When will the catastrophic rejection occur?

Can we just get it over with?

I want to scream and run and maybe change schools— 

“I See you,” they say.

Not little “s” see but big capital “S” See.

“Take a breath.”

So I do.

“Shall we go for a walk?”

I nod.

They help me gather my belongings like we’ve done it many times before.

They hold out their hand to me.

I look at it.

“It’s ok. I don’t bite unless you ask me to!” they say with a wicked little grin.

I watch my hand reach out of its own accord and grasp theirs.

I feel like for the first time I’ve given my consent instead of having it taken.

Relief washes over me.

I feel safe.

I follow them out of the deep twilight shadows of the library where I hide

Into the sunlight sliding through the cherry blossoms.

Today my dreams are real.

The fear blows away. 

Newbie Consent Guide from FetLife

KaiBrave, a member of our CSPC community, has created a useful guide for navigating consent during pickup play and posted it on FetLife. As a personal FetLife writing, this is not official CSPC communication; however, we thought it was important to share, especially in light of the new year with lots of folks trying out new things for themselves!

The guide can be found here:

https://fetlife.com/users/12394746/posts/9079822

You can join the conversation in the comments (and as a reminder, you will need a FetLife account in order to read it). There are extra resources at the bottom of the guide if you want even more information. 

Enjoy and learn!

Sex Positive Community Events by Bloom

We're excited to spotlight a number of new community events hosted by the Bloom Community in Seattle! These are going to be monthly recurring events at an affordable $5-15 sliding scale, no one turned away for lack of funds. 

Click the links below to RSVP: you can enter your phone # to receive SMS updates, or download the Bloom app to see ticketing info and chat with other attendees: 

• Monday, Feb 6th: CNM Social Club (hosted by our very own Eirikah Delaunay!) 

• Tuesday, Feb 14th: Queer Mixer

• Wednesday, Feb 15th: Sex-Positive Arts & Crafts Night

• Watch for a Tantra Social in March!

See you there!

Community Matters: For Every Rule, There is a Reason

by Teeebone

When you attend New Member Orientation, some of the first things you are introduced to are the Essential House Rules of the CSPC, the Guidelines for Appropriate Conduct, a list of activities that are either prohibited or restricted at our parties or events, rules about bringing guests, instructions on how to get help from the staff on duty, and the CSPC Consent Policy, all found in the CSPC’s New Member Packet.

This can seem like a lot to digest. My advice to any new member would be to take their time, get familiar with the rules, talk to other members, look into some of our online discussion groups, and learn more. The sex-positive lifestyle is an immersive one and requires engagement in the culture.

A big portion of the rules are safety related, while others are geared toward our unique brand of sex-positive etiquette. Then there are some rules that get created because something happened at an event that is best not repeated. And of course there are some rules that get regularly updated. The rules have always been subject to change at any time; after all they were not written in stone and are considered a living document.

The cell phone/electronic device policy is a good example. Before 2007, this rule was much more strict. The simple act of pulling out a cell phone beyond the cashier’s desk during a party resulted in the person being asked to leave. But when the iPhone was released, cell phone use grew exponentially, and soon everybody had one. Too many people were habitually checking for messages and had to be reminded to put their cell phones away. The rule needed to be changed in consideration of the new paradigm. Let’s face it, who wants to kick everybody out of a party? These days we remind the individual that they shouldn’t have their cell phone out and ask them to follow the rules and respect other people’s privacy. However, persistent infringement will still get someone a one-way ticket outdoors.

Then there is a rule that was created in response to something that happened at a party that involved electro-play… Somebody was using some kind of solid-state‭ ‬power‭ ‬electrical‭ “‬wand” that wreaked havoc with the CSPC building’s electrical system and made the lights flicker like the power was going out! Of course, this resulted in the current ban on the use of such devices at our events.

Something else to take note of on the subject of rules (and folx following them) is the growth of consent culture. My observation is that consent culture has helped foster mindfulness within our community, and this reinforces compliance to the rules that help give us a safe play space for parties and events. The CSPC continues to evolve as an organization and a community. Perhaps you would like to join us as a volunteer? :^)

https://thecspc.org/volunteering

Sexy (Social) Science 23.2

by Emma Atkinson

Greetings super sexy and supportive readers! I hope January has been all you wanted and more.

Remember that discussion we had in the previous column about following up on gut feelings? In his book, The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker describes how that gut feeling you get when something isn’t quite right is actually a gift. That feeling suggests that you need more information to better understand a situation.

I’m here to agree that it’s a good idea to get more data when you experience some discomfort. Yours truly recently sought to understand why encounters with a friend have always resulted in me feeling emotionally drained. I watched a few episodes of the old TV show Lie to Me to remind myself of ways to spot potential untruths. The main character is impossibly good at lie detection—the rest of us are mere mortals.

During my next encounter with this person, the things I saw and heard were startling. They didn’t listen to me, didn’t care what I thought, and put me down without a hint of jest or remorse. When I read the “Sexy Social Science” column I wrote for the last newsletter to them, all they said was “wow.” Shouldn’t someone be able to find something nice to say to a friend who asks for an opinion? I had discounted my feelings, thinking that they were related to other issues. I’m grateful for the curiosity that encouraged me to look a little deeper.

If you haven’t read de Becker’s book, I highly recommend it. It’s an absorbing read—I couldn’t put it down once I started. And it just might save your life, or save you from unnecessary emotional harm.

Homework: do you have any uncomfortable feelings that you’d like to understand better? Put on your detective hat and look for clues. Please share your insights with me at: info@thecspc.org.

“Science!” —Thomas Dolby

“Science!” —Emma 

Sense & Sensuality: Artist and Muse

Join us on Sunday, February 5, for the second Sense & Sensuality at the CSPC! This event sold out the first time we hosted it in December, and we’re looking forward to another evening of yummy connection and sensual experience.

Sense & Sensuality is designed for those who are demisexual or who are interested in exploring intimacy. This event provides a relaxed social environment for people to make connections that could grow into something more with prompts to help members initiate intimate connections and gentle play.

For the first half of the event, the full venue is set for platonic intimacy with no nudity. During this time, on the main level we'll host an interactive theme and on the lower level you are encouraged to engage in any platonic play. 

For the second half of the event, the lower level of the venue transitions into space for sensual and sexual intimacy. This is the only part of the event that permits impact play.

Our theme for February: Live Modeling! Open yourself up to intimate energy and be an artist’s muse for the night.

There will be a designated space for folx to pose or engage in non-escalatory ways for artists to draw subjects. Artists will need to bring their own supplies. 

There will be a separate designated space for photographers to sign up for 15 minute slots. This will include any setup/breakdown time. 

Don’t have an interest in either? Find a spot to cuddle or socialize with your local sex-positive members.

Our lower level will be open for any non-escalatory play during the first part of the event, then transition to an escalatory space at 9:00pm.

Purchase tickets for this event here. Not yet a member? No problem! Purchase New Member tickets here to join us an hour earlier for New Member Orientation before the event. New Member tickets include orientation, your first month’s membership dues, and entry to the Sense & Sensuality party immediately following orientation.

If you have any questions, please email your hosts at SaS@thecspc.org.

Awesome Boundaries Workshop with Sex Positive World

Sex Positive World is hosting an online workshop about creating and maintaining healthy boundaries and relationships. We’ve all come across times when we’ve wanted to say “no” but ignored our instinct. Or perhaps the opposite, wanting to say “yes” but being too afraid. Take a few hours to learn more about negotiation, consent, and healthy boundaries. 

Some of the topics that will be discussed during the workshop include:

Talk about what a boundary is and where we usually set them versus where we would like to set them

• Learn how to say "no" clearly and how to respond to hearing one

• Learn how to explore safely using negotiation, changing our “yes” to a “no” when needed, while giving and getting feedback

• Explore cultural differences in what looks and feels like a healthy boundary 

• Learn how to deal with someone who doesn't respect our boundaries

• Learn more about fight, flight, freeze and fawn responses in yourself and others

• Have opportunities to practice and discuss boundary setting with other participants

Date: Sunday, February 19

Start time: 10 a.m. PST

Duration: 3 hours

Inclusive prices range from $0–$25

RSVP here!

CNM Study Participants Needed!

Study Participants Needed!

Communication About Important Transitions in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships

Happy January my lovelies! Time to participate in science!

West Virginia University PhD candidate, Rachael Purtell, is conducting interpersonal communication research with consensually non-monogamous populations. She is currently investigating communication among people in long-term, committed CNM partnerships navigating major transitions in their relationship(s). Broadly, this study is interested in communication within traditional underrepresented romantic relationships and how social issues are communicated and perpetuated in and by organizations. 

Expanded study details and survey link can be found here:

https://wvu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6mN5M6bhPfPjVqe

If you are interested and choose to participate, the study consists of one 20–30 minute survey. Inclusion criteria are listed below.

• 18 years or older

• currently be in a self-defined committed consensually non-monogamous relationship with at least one partner (e.g., including but not limited to a primary partner, nesting partner, life partner)

• that partner has started a new sexual or romantic partnership with someone other than yourself in the past six months

You will have the option to enter a raffle to win one of eight $100 Amazon gift cards via a separate survey, which can be accessed via a link provided at the end of the survey.

Contact details:

Researcher: Rachael Purtell

Phone: (304) 293-3905

Email: rep0027@mix.wvu.edu

This is an IRB-approved study. If you have any questions about your rights as a research participant, please contact the WVU Office of Human Research Protection by phone at (304) 293-7073 or by email at IRB@mail.wvu.edu.