My Black Love Letter

by Cass

Hello my Love, 

I hope this finds you well. So here we are in Black History month. How you doing so far? I have been thinking about you. February, hmm, the month of love. Funny we put love and the acknowledgement of Black contributions and the struggle of the Black people in the same month. But I can see the power in that.

Black love has endured pain, suffering, and hell even denial. Being LGBTQIA2S+ in the Black community is still fucking hard.

I know the struggle of how to love your broken self, to know that you deserve to be loved, to be seen in your flaws and your finesse. But Black love has sustained the test of time. Guess what? You have family. They may not all look like you, but they love you. The CSPC wants you to know that you truly are a beautiful member of our family. LOL, sounds like a cult.

Well kind of sort of. We got Community, we are United in our belief that everyone should be able to be themselves, we are Loving , and we are a Team. Everyone is welcomed. I know during this month the internal struggle is real. It took me a long time to be able to see my beautiful Black self, and it took even longer to be honest about my sexuality.

When I found the CSPC I found my diverse family.

I found a listening ear, a safe space to explore and learn about myself. The CSPC was created by the people, for the people. The Center has been and always will be a safe space, not just February but all year. We hope you know how much we care about you. I am so happy to have my family at the CSPC, and I hope you continue to be a part of this family. 

Love, 

Cass

Consent Corner 23.1

by Emma Atkinson 

Hello lovely readers! Happy New Year to you and yours. Here’s hoping that 2023 brings you all sorts of juicy delights.

We’ve been considering the many facets of consent in this regular column. As you no doubt know, good consent practices are an important part of everything we do at the CSPC.

An especially wonderful and comprehensive model to use when you’re pondering consent is the FRIES model developed by Planned Parenthood. At the CSPC’s New Member Orientation, you probably heard the instructor describe this model and its five components. This is the perfect time to give a shout out to the amazing instructors who help you understand what the CSPC and sex positivity are all about. You know who you are—thanks! 

The FRIES acronym describes the ideal qualities that are present in good consent negotiations. Consent should be Freely given, and it can be Reversible by any participant at any time. In addition, it should be Informed by clear communication about boundaries and expectations. Finally, it ought to be given by Enthusiastic participants and represent Specific activities.

Good news! Consent Corner will be exploring each of these five qualities in upcoming newsletters. I can hardly wait—how about you?

Another upcoming column will give you some perspectives on the current consent culture at CSPC events. If you were a member a while ago and are planning to come to a party, you’ll want to check out what advice other members are offering. If you’re brand spanking new, you’ll definitely find it useful, too.

Homework: Revel in the glory that is you! And, share the revelry at: info@thecspc.org.

“Be excellent to each other.” —Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other.” —Emma

Respect and Inclusion: Navigating Conflicts

By 7

We all want to be respectful and inclusive of others at the CSPC, right? This should be easy. And most of the time it really is easy. But even with the best intentions, sometimes conflicts can happen. My hope is that this article will provide some tools to improve the outcome should you find yourself in one of those rare cases.

One of the biggest challenges any sex-positive community faces is the variety of people who make up that community. It’s often said that diversity is a strength, and in many contexts that is true. Sex positivity is a broad umbrella, and in some cases the diversity of folks huddled together beneath that umbrella can become a source of conflict. Most of us have strong likes, dislikes, and opinions about how things should be done. These do not always align with the feelings and opinions of others in the community. We want a diverse community, but we also want one where people can feel safe and accepted. How can we do that with greatly differing opinions and all the potential conflicts this can create?

One important principle to follow is to allow other people to be authentically who they are. You might feel threatened, disapproving, or offended by somebody else’s identity. But how they present themselves, what pronouns they resonate with, and where they feel like they belong are really not up to you. On the surface, this sounds like the easiest thing in the world. “Just don’t be a jerk and you’ll be fine.” But it’s not always that simple. What if somebody holds political views that you feel are a direct threat to you? What if they dress in a way or practice a kink that you find triggering or offensive?

I find that a good strategy is to not answer questions that I have not been asked. If I were to meet somebody at a party and they were to mention that they have an eyeball-licking kink, that might result in a feeling happening inside of me, perhaps a very strong negative feeling regarding how I would feel if I were to engage in that kink. I can’t help having that feeling—my brain (like most human brains) is very good at imagining things, even when I don’t want it to. But note that this person has not asked me if I would like to do that. They’ve just provided information about something they enjoy. My response could be, “Cool” or maybe, “Interesting.” But a response like, “Eww! Not my kink!” would give the person a sense that their kink is inappropriate in some way, a judgment that I can’t make and shouldn’t project on others. Just because I don’t practice or enjoy watching a given activity doesn’t mean it is not welcome within our space. Now, if this hypothetical kinkster were to ask me my personal feelings on the matter, then I would of course be free to express them. Until that point, I can keep my feelings to myself. (BTW, I had to use something for the sake of example, and eyeball licking is the only thing I could think of that authentically does make me feel squicked. This hypothetical situation was meant to show that my feelings about something don’t make it good or bad—those are merely my feelings. If you engage in eyeball licking, please know that, whatever my personal feelings on this activity, it is not against any of our rules, and I will not say a damn word to you about how engaging in your kink would make me feel unless you actually ask me. Thank you.)

This applies not just to kinks. Genders, ways of dressing and presenting oneself, titles, relationship styles—all of these things can cause strong emotional reactions in others. When discussing the fact that I’m solo polyamorous in more monogamous spaces, I’ve sometimes received comments along the lines of, “That seems like it would cause so many problems,” or “Oh, I could never do that!” Even within polyamorous spaces, I’m often met with comments indicating that people think I’m solo poly because I haven’t yet met “my person” who I’ll want to have as a primary. Do these kinds of comments make me feel less welcome in those spaces? Yes, they kind of do. I didn’t ask these folks to engage in a polyamorous relationship with me or for their critique of my relationship style. I personally see a lot of problems with other relationship styles, but unless we’re actually discussing our opinions about the potential problems or ethical concerns surrounding relationship styles, I haven’t been asked that question. So it’s best for me to keep my opinions to myself. This is not always easy to do—I have strong opinions and I like to talk—but I do my best.

It seems obvious, but it still bears mentioning that there is no one true way when it comes to things like gender identity/expression, sexuality, relationships, and kinks. But we can all agree on consent, right? Yes, consent is essential in everything we do, but the way other people negotiate consent might look very different from the way you do it. If you’re negotiating something with them, then it is necessary that you get on the same page. Otherwise, for the most part, we can allow others to do their thing in the way that works for them.

Gatekeeping is a thing that many people do within communities, and it can encourage group cohesion and make spaces feel safer. But the fact is that homogeneity is only illusory—there will always be more differences if you look closely enough. What creates real safety is mutual respect for those differences. If you’re at an event that is specifically for a given identity or activity, and the person you’re talking to doesn’t seem to resonate with that vibe, ask yourself whether it’s your job to act as gatekeeper for that space. In some rare cases, Party Champions or the Event Coordinator might have a conversation if they feel like someone is behaving inappropriately at an event. If you have serious concerns around this, talk to a volunteer. But please don’t take it upon yourself to tell somebody they don’t fit in. People are complicated. They might be at the beginning of exploring some aspect of themselves, or closeted in some way until they feel like they can be more open. Helping people feel welcome even if we aren’t sure that they belong is an essential part of encouraging their growth, and it helps us to grow as humans as well.

So, what do you do if you get offended by or nervous about someone else in our spaces? Well, first of all, listen to your feelings. If you’re not feeling good about being around somebody, get yourself away from them. If an interaction feels off, talk to a friend or a volunteer. It might be that you just need some reassurance or a friendly person to talk over your feelings with. If our volunteer staff feels like somebody is breaking a rule or genuinely causing a problem, they might take some action, but please leave it to those volunteers to address it. Most of all, take care of yourself. Remember that you are the person who manages your own emotions. Don’t expect that others will necessarily change so that you can be more comfortable.

If you end up in a discussion that results in conflict, try to remember that having disagreements and conflicts is okay. When others view things differently, and we don’t need to work with that person in a way that makes their views directly relevant, the fact that we disagree often doesn’t really affect us. It is true that having another person share an opinion that invalidates our worldviews will feel threatening. Our bodies have the same reaction to this kind of relational stress that they would have to a direct physical threat. We might feel we need to escape, or fight in order to prove them wrong. It’s wise in these situations to give yourself some space for that feeling of threat to dissipate. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I don’t feel like discussing this right now,” or simply excusing yourself to do something else. Let your body process the feelings and settle down, and think about if this is even a situation you want to return to. You can always pick up the discussion later, if that’s really what you want to do.

Even if you’re feeling unsure whether a given person fits in, you can still help them to feel welcome. It helps to assume that others have good intentions. We all come to the CSPC for different reasons, but I’ve observed that most people here are aligned with the ideal of sexual freedom for everyone. How we work toward this can look very different, so please show respect for others and their differences. Remember that we’re all in this together.

Talking About Safer Sex

by Eirikah Delaunay

As part of the sex positive community, you know consent and negotiation are essential for having the pleasurable interactions you desire. When you’re excited to play with a sexy someone new or explore that fantasy you’ve had for years, it can be tempting to focus on all the juicy goodness you’re planning and avoid conversations that might bring up feelings of shame or that might risk rejection. However, your health and safety matter, and so do the health and safety of our community. 

As sex positive people, we are more likely to have more than one sexual partner, which means that our sexual health potentially impacts an expanding network of people who enjoy sexytimes together. Yet, when I went to get tested for STIs most recently, I had to argue with my doctor to get certain tests, like the blood test for HSV1 and HSV2. Then, when my test came back positive for HSV1, she advised me not to disclose my status to potential partners because of the “stigma” associated with STIs and because “people don’t really change their behavior based on test results anyway.” She never seems to get that if we all disclosed, we could eliminate the stigma. And whether people change their behavior or not, it’s my job to make sure that my partners can give me truly informed consent, which includes being informed about my health and my boundaries for safer sex. 

Consider practicing the STARS model of basic negotiation developed by Dr. Evelin Dacker:

S - STI Status: When was your last STI testing? What were the results?

T - Turn Ons: What turns you on? What would you like to do with me?

A - Avoids: What are your limits? What squicks you?

R - Relationship Intentions: Sex, romance, friendship, or some combination?

S - Safer Sex Practices: How do you protect yourself from pregnancy & STI transmission?

It’s your responsibility to communicate your STI status to your potential partners, and it’s your right to request their status, too. Discussing and respecting each other’s boundaries and protocols for safer sex is foundational for consent. This might mean using condoms, dams, gloves, or other barriers. It might also mean negotiating the kinds of contact you have with other partners and their STI status if you want to forego barriers. 

Be explicit about your boundaries. Different people can have very different practices. Condoms for penis-in-vagina, but no barriers for oral sex? Barriers for everything below the waist, but mouth kissing is fine? No barriers with one partner, but barriers with others? There are so many possible configurations! None of them are more “right” than another, but they do carry different levels of risk. Educate yourself on the risks and make the decisions that are right for you.

What if your partner’s safer sex practices are different from yours? Honoring consent means honoring the practices of the partner who is most risk-averse without guilt tripping or shaming. If that’s not for you, be honest about that, too. Maybe your risk profiles aren’t compatible, but at least you can maintain trust and integrity with each other and the community.

Remember to have these conversations before beginning play. Once the action has started, it’s hard to slow down to consider the finer points of getting and giving informed consent. For instance, this can happen in pick up play where you are seeking a certain experience, and you’re not focused on building a relationship. It’s easy to just go with the flow and see where things lead, consenting moment-to-moment as the action progresses, but you’re missing the “informed” part of consent when you don’t discuss STIs and safer sex first.

Safer sex practices are especially important for consensually non-monogamous folx, as we are honoring relationship agreements that serve our partners and our partners’ partners (and so on and so on…). We’re excited to have a guest speaker about STIs and safer sex at the online More Amoré Discussion Group on February 12! Register now to join us and learn more about taking care of your sexy self and your partners while reducing the awkwardness of having “the talk.”

Consent: The Path In and Out + Unpushing the Panic Button

Consent: The Path In and Out

Written by: Turtle and Sequentialized

Contributors: CSPC ND/DG, Chris, Clint, Kathryn, Jae, Jon, Saint, Scarlett, Seranine, and Teeebone

We decided to have a blunt conversation about our needs around consent and neurodiversity. We want to know when we have consent and we want our partners to know when they have our consent with no ambiguity!

Consent wraps itself in so many deep-seated patterns surrounded by generational- and geographical-specific minutiae that it can appear incomprehensible to the average human before you even add neurodiversity to the mix. Indeed, no one hands you a cheat sheet of codes at puberty to help you jump through the initial hoops of the social menagerie. Instead, we all believe we are alone in our shame, feeling lost in confusion, mixed signals, and bullies taking advantage until we memorize the unspoken secret language of flirtation and implied consent.

This is what neurotypicals (NTs) experience and seem to accept as standard operating procedures. Neurodivergent (ND) people find this “shared language” world exceedingly confusing and prefer a literal language, like dictionary definitions. (What I actually said is what I literally meant.) For example: “I want your banana,” means I want your banana, as in fruit, not, “I want to suck your dick,” which could be considered banana-shaped when hard.

Often, neurodivergents will go along with whatever is going on because a past trauma experience leaves them feeling unsafe to say no, or they can’t read body language and suddenly find themselves in too deep to get out without experiencing severe rejection. They experience one of the four F’s of trauma response: Freeze, Fight, Flight, and Fawn. NTs assume consent because the ND did not specifically say “No” or “Stop.” Later, with the lag of trauma response, the neurodivergent could feel increasingly violated but blame themselves for not saying “No.” But they also never said “Yes.” It is important to us that our partners get an express and enthusiastic “YES!” from us!

NOTE 1: Many NDs grow up being told they are not enough or being rejected for not being neurotypical, which leads to Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). RSD occurs when you experience an intense or overwhelming emotional sensitivity to criticism or rejection. It can be a learned emotional response or you may be genetically predisposed to it.

NOTE 2: Alternately, other NDs struggle with internalized ableism. Lauren Presutti, writing for the Christopher and Dana Reeve Foundation, puts it this way: “Internalized ableism is when we project negative feelings onto ourselves. This happens when we start to believe how society labels disability as inferior. We start to believe the stereotypes. Internalized ableism occurs when we are so heavily influenced by the stereotypes, misconceptions, and discrimination against people with disabilities that we start to believe that our disabilities really do make us inferior” (Presutti, 2021). We observe this to mean that we do not deserve to ask for our needs to be met in any way, shape, or form. 

We feel that there are at least three types of thinkers: NTs, NDs, and neurotranslators. Translators seem to be in a small percentage; however, they can easily discourse within the communication matrix of either group. They are a lovely addition to any mixed population and really smooth out the ability to share ideas.

The Struggle

We NDs feel like we tell our counterparts what we need, and who we are…and they tear it apart looking for a secret code. They just then do whatever they want without also communicating the same information in return. We recognize that perhaps they are just not used to participating like this or perhaps have negative emotions surrounding such sharing. We are not trying to project any emotions necessarily. We just want information for better understanding. We wonder if the other person is cognitively inflexible. 

Understand that we process things in a multitude of different ways, some that we may share, while others we may not as we tend to be very internally wired humans. But all you have to do is ask, and when we are ready and feel safe, most likely we will share. Please try your best to be supportive and not be derogatory or humiliate us.

Ultimately, for enthusiastic consent from a neurodivergent:

• Know when someone is capable of giving consent.*

• Tell us very specifically what you want using actual names for body parts.

• Point to where we can touch and what we can take off.

• Tell us what the end of the scene looks like.

• Show us how to please you.

• Be open to let us show you exactly what pleases us. Be open to hearing exactly what we want to touch, lick, kiss, fuck, hit, punch, etc.

• Be on time.

• Follow up afterward.

• Honor our boundaries.

• Ask, “Is this ok?” whenever you need to or when we get that fearful look in our eyes.

We spoke about “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg as a reference for better communication skills. 

*Another fantastic reference! https://www.consent.academy

A Kiss Is Not A Contract - Flight Of The Conchords (Lyrics)

Quotes from the ND/DG

“We have so much processing from having our boundaries ignored as children and having masked ourselves all day at work that we can get accidentally pressured into agreeing to things we wouldn’t agree to when not exhausted.”

“If asleep or passed out or someone’s body is responding to your violation—that doesn’t give consent.”

“The moment when the puzzle pieces click much later is intense and isolating. The context is lost to most and is quite vivid in my mind.”

“I’ve always been afraid to say no.”

“I'm glad there are communities such as this for support. Each of your journeys is so very valid.”

Unpushing the Panic Button

Companion Piece to “Consent: The Path In and Out”

By Turtle (written November 23, 2022)

I’m sitting in the corner of the stacks

Heavy mahogany shelving reaching into the clouds of my mind

Ladders cling, fragilely skimming my imagination as it cavorts among authors and genres.

My eyes stray over the edge of my latest conquest…dragons and mummies and mimes oh my

To my dreams in reality—flesh and blood, cloth and leather.

Sandy, semi-pulled-back hair, some trailing

Their jawline as they nibble errantly on a pencil.

Unknowing I’m watching…again.

Unknowing of my very existence.

I doubt I deserve someone so awesome.

If they turn out to be fantastic…

“How can they be anything but amazing?” I ask myself

As I paint graceful fairy wings on their back.

Do wolves fly? They look like a cute fluffy wolf.

Perhaps a wolf with wings is weird.

I watch their throat move serpentine as they swallow from their water bottle.

What would it feel like if they swallowed me?

They stand. Oh no.

Turn my way.

I scooch down. Folding myself on the hardwood chair.

They walk down the row I’m seated at the end of.

I can’t breathe. 

I freeze.

TERROR POURS INTO ME.

What if they saw me?

What if they are going to tell me to stop staring and violating their space?

I’m going to throw up!

I feel dizzy!

Maybe I will pass out!

PAUSE. BREATHE.

They are facing away from me

Searching the shelf for a specific book.

It’s worse than rejection.

They don’t even see me. 

I’m invisible.

Thoughts spiral wildly in an endless, infinite moment.

They pull an enormous dusty tome.

“Oof!” I hear as I drop my head to hide behind my hair.

A large intake of breath and they exhale to blow the dust off the book.

BOOF!

Wheeze! Cough!

I’m hacking like a cat with a hairball!

“OMG are you ok?”

“Inhaler…” I gasp while blindly fumbling with the front pouch of my green backpack.

They gently remove the bag from my grasping fingers and pull out my inhaler

Assembling it with its spacer properly in a blink.

“Here.”

Hiss. Suuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk. (HOLD) Huuuuuuuuhhhhhh.

Hiss. Suuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk. (HOLD) Huuuuuuuuhhhhhh.

A tear runs down my cheek as the horrible feeling of being unable to breathe eases.

Their warm palm cups my face.

My eyes widen as I flick them up.

I’m making eye contact.

Direct eye contact.

They are green looking into my blue and they don’t look away.

I forget to breathe.

What is air anyway?

Their thumb lightly brushes away my tear

The trail of wetness slowly dries as my face begins to warm.

Still, they look into my eyes.

How long has it been?

When will they move?

When will the catastrophic rejection occur?

Can we just get it over with?

I want to scream and run and maybe change schools— 

“I See you,” they say.

Not little “s” see but big capital “S” See.

“Take a breath.”

So I do.

“Shall we go for a walk?”

I nod.

They help me gather my belongings like we’ve done it many times before.

They hold out their hand to me.

I look at it.

“It’s ok. I don’t bite unless you ask me to!” they say with a wicked little grin.

I watch my hand reach out of its own accord and grasp theirs.

I feel like for the first time I’ve given my consent instead of having it taken.

Relief washes over me.

I feel safe.

I follow them out of the deep twilight shadows of the library where I hide

Into the sunlight sliding through the cherry blossoms.

Today my dreams are real.

The fear blows away. 

Newbie Consent Guide from FetLife

KaiBrave, a member of our CSPC community, has created a useful guide for navigating consent during pickup play and posted it on FetLife. As a personal FetLife writing, this is not official CSPC communication; however, we thought it was important to share, especially in light of the new year with lots of folks trying out new things for themselves!

The guide can be found here:

https://fetlife.com/users/12394746/posts/9079822

You can join the conversation in the comments (and as a reminder, you will need a FetLife account in order to read it). There are extra resources at the bottom of the guide if you want even more information. 

Enjoy and learn!

Sex Positive Community Events by Bloom

We're excited to spotlight a number of new community events hosted by the Bloom Community in Seattle! These are going to be monthly recurring events at an affordable $5-15 sliding scale, no one turned away for lack of funds. 

Click the links below to RSVP: you can enter your phone # to receive SMS updates, or download the Bloom app to see ticketing info and chat with other attendees: 

• Monday, Feb 6th: CNM Social Club (hosted by our very own Eirikah Delaunay!) 

• Tuesday, Feb 14th: Queer Mixer

• Wednesday, Feb 15th: Sex-Positive Arts & Crafts Night

• Watch for a Tantra Social in March!

See you there!

Community Matters: For Every Rule, There is a Reason

by Teeebone

When you attend New Member Orientation, some of the first things you are introduced to are the Essential House Rules of the CSPC, the Guidelines for Appropriate Conduct, a list of activities that are either prohibited or restricted at our parties or events, rules about bringing guests, instructions on how to get help from the staff on duty, and the CSPC Consent Policy, all found in the CSPC’s New Member Packet.

This can seem like a lot to digest. My advice to any new member would be to take their time, get familiar with the rules, talk to other members, look into some of our online discussion groups, and learn more. The sex-positive lifestyle is an immersive one and requires engagement in the culture.

A big portion of the rules are safety related, while others are geared toward our unique brand of sex-positive etiquette. Then there are some rules that get created because something happened at an event that is best not repeated. And of course there are some rules that get regularly updated. The rules have always been subject to change at any time; after all they were not written in stone and are considered a living document.

The cell phone/electronic device policy is a good example. Before 2007, this rule was much more strict. The simple act of pulling out a cell phone beyond the cashier’s desk during a party resulted in the person being asked to leave. But when the iPhone was released, cell phone use grew exponentially, and soon everybody had one. Too many people were habitually checking for messages and had to be reminded to put their cell phones away. The rule needed to be changed in consideration of the new paradigm. Let’s face it, who wants to kick everybody out of a party? These days we remind the individual that they shouldn’t have their cell phone out and ask them to follow the rules and respect other people’s privacy. However, persistent infringement will still get someone a one-way ticket outdoors.

Then there is a rule that was created in response to something that happened at a party that involved electro-play… Somebody was using some kind of solid-state‭ ‬power‭ ‬electrical‭ “‬wand” that wreaked havoc with the CSPC building’s electrical system and made the lights flicker like the power was going out! Of course, this resulted in the current ban on the use of such devices at our events.

Something else to take note of on the subject of rules (and folx following them) is the growth of consent culture. My observation is that consent culture has helped foster mindfulness within our community, and this reinforces compliance to the rules that help give us a safe play space for parties and events. The CSPC continues to evolve as an organization and a community. Perhaps you would like to join us as a volunteer? :^)

https://thecspc.org/volunteering

Sexy (Social) Science 23.2

by Emma Atkinson

Greetings super sexy and supportive readers! I hope January has been all you wanted and more.

Remember that discussion we had in the previous column about following up on gut feelings? In his book, The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker describes how that gut feeling you get when something isn’t quite right is actually a gift. That feeling suggests that you need more information to better understand a situation.

I’m here to agree that it’s a good idea to get more data when you experience some discomfort. Yours truly recently sought to understand why encounters with a friend have always resulted in me feeling emotionally drained. I watched a few episodes of the old TV show Lie to Me to remind myself of ways to spot potential untruths. The main character is impossibly good at lie detection—the rest of us are mere mortals.

During my next encounter with this person, the things I saw and heard were startling. They didn’t listen to me, didn’t care what I thought, and put me down without a hint of jest or remorse. When I read the “Sexy Social Science” column I wrote for the last newsletter to them, all they said was “wow.” Shouldn’t someone be able to find something nice to say to a friend who asks for an opinion? I had discounted my feelings, thinking that they were related to other issues. I’m grateful for the curiosity that encouraged me to look a little deeper.

If you haven’t read de Becker’s book, I highly recommend it. It’s an absorbing read—I couldn’t put it down once I started. And it just might save your life, or save you from unnecessary emotional harm.

Homework: do you have any uncomfortable feelings that you’d like to understand better? Put on your detective hat and look for clues. Please share your insights with me at: info@thecspc.org.

“Science!” —Thomas Dolby

“Science!” —Emma