By Mistress 7, Inveterate Wanker
10. For the sake of accuracy, you’ve permanently set your online status to “AFK - masturbating”
9. You’ve written an erotic novel in which all of the characters are disembodied hands
8. Your neighbors fasten breakables with earthquake straps due to the frequent tremors you cause in the area
7. A judge has ruled that your genitals are required to pay you at an overtime rate
6. You’ve started making videos of yourself wanking while watching videos of yourself wanking to videos of yourself wanking
5. “Lube and tissues” is a bigger slice of the budget pie chart than “food and shelter”
4. When reading, you feel the need to rub one out every time you come across a sexy article, such as “the” or “a”
3. The extreme variety of your masturbatory vocalizations keeps accidentally summoning demons to our world
2. You have a backup generator dedicated to keeping your sex toys running during blackouts
1. Your masturbation habit leaves you insufficient time to write a decently funny article for a sex-positive newsletter
Note: This article is satire. Unless there is a medical reason to change your practices (i.e. your doctor advises it), I don’t really think that anybody reading this is masturbating too much, or too little. It’s completely your choice, and there is no shame associated with whatever amount of self-pleasure you feel is right for you. Happy International Masturbation Month!