by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake
Hello stupendously sassy readers! We’re glad you’re here with us as we explore the fascinating world of consent.
We’ve been talking about boundaries. If you’re new to the CSPC and the newsletter, welcome! You can review any of our other discussions in previous newsletters. It’s not required reading, but it may answer some of your questions.
Any discussion of boundaries will necessarily involve a discussion of agreements. And, as it happens, the concept of Agreements is one of the main pillars in the consent structure you’re building. We’ll consider the topic here and in upcoming columns, so stay tuned!
We’re big fans of using the term agreements rather than rules. After all, rules are made to be broken, right? And who are “they” to tell me what to do? Do these questions remind you of thoughts that may have passed through your mind at any time? We thought so.
When we make an agreement, however, we acknowledge that we’re going to hold ourselves accountable for abiding by it. We’re giving our consent to the interaction as we’ve defined it of our own free will. Who would ever say that agreements are made to be broken? Probably not people you’d want to trust with your personal well-being.
In all of your relationships you have the right - and the responsibility - to create agreements with your partners. Here are some questions to ponder when considering consent agreements.
What will happen when you’re together? How long will you be together? What kind of contact will there be? Will any implements be used? (For those of us who enjoy impact play, the word “implements” gets us a little hot and bothered. Moving on… ). How will you know when you’re done?
How will you communicate with each other - before, during, and after the interaction? You’ll want to determine the safeword vocabulary you’ll use in your time together, which would ideally include both verbal and nonverbal signals. You might also want to be in touch one or two days afterwards to make sure everyone’s okay.
What must not happen when you’re together? These are the activities for which you do not give your consent, and they’re sometimes called “hard limits.” It seems sensible to say that anything that threatens your life ought to be off-limits. But what about things that might jeopardize your health, or your job, or your relations with others? You have the right to specify what’s not acceptable for you
Here’s a tip that might help: try having the person listening summarize what they just heard. For example, the listener might say “I heard you say that we’re going to cuddle, which could include kissing and hugging, and that clothing will remain on.” The speaker can then confirm or correct the summary until there’s agreement and understanding.
Small but important aside: please think long and hard about the implications of having someone fail to honor one of your agreements. Please include a trusted friend in your deliberations. A breach of trust might indicate abuse, and that’s not okay.
Homework: Think about the agreements you’ve made with your partner(s) and talk to them about it. Then, do some of the fun things you’ve been talking about!
Questions about agreements? We’re at info@thecspc.org.
“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted
“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel