Sexy (Social) Science 23.2

by Emma Atkinson

Greetings super sexy and supportive readers! I hope January has been all you wanted and more.

Remember that discussion we had in the previous column about following up on gut feelings? In his book, The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker describes how that gut feeling you get when something isn’t quite right is actually a gift. That feeling suggests that you need more information to better understand a situation.

I’m here to agree that it’s a good idea to get more data when you experience some discomfort. Yours truly recently sought to understand why encounters with a friend have always resulted in me feeling emotionally drained. I watched a few episodes of the old TV show Lie to Me to remind myself of ways to spot potential untruths. The main character is impossibly good at lie detection—the rest of us are mere mortals.

During my next encounter with this person, the things I saw and heard were startling. They didn’t listen to me, didn’t care what I thought, and put me down without a hint of jest or remorse. When I read the “Sexy Social Science” column I wrote for the last newsletter to them, all they said was “wow.” Shouldn’t someone be able to find something nice to say to a friend who asks for an opinion? I had discounted my feelings, thinking that they were related to other issues. I’m grateful for the curiosity that encouraged me to look a little deeper.

If you haven’t read de Becker’s book, I highly recommend it. It’s an absorbing read—I couldn’t put it down once I started. And it just might save your life, or save you from unnecessary emotional harm.

Homework: do you have any uncomfortable feelings that you’d like to understand better? Put on your detective hat and look for clues. Please share your insights with me at: info@thecspc.org.

“Science!” —Thomas Dolby

“Science!” —Emma 

Sense & Sensuality: Artist and Muse

Join us on Sunday, February 5, for the second Sense & Sensuality at the CSPC! This event sold out the first time we hosted it in December, and we’re looking forward to another evening of yummy connection and sensual experience.

Sense & Sensuality is designed for those who are demisexual or who are interested in exploring intimacy. This event provides a relaxed social environment for people to make connections that could grow into something more with prompts to help members initiate intimate connections and gentle play.

For the first half of the event, the full venue is set for platonic intimacy with no nudity. During this time, on the main level we'll host an interactive theme and on the lower level you are encouraged to engage in any platonic play. 

For the second half of the event, the lower level of the venue transitions into space for sensual and sexual intimacy. This is the only part of the event that permits impact play.

Our theme for February: Live Modeling! Open yourself up to intimate energy and be an artist’s muse for the night.

There will be a designated space for folx to pose or engage in non-escalatory ways for artists to draw subjects. Artists will need to bring their own supplies. 

There will be a separate designated space for photographers to sign up for 15 minute slots. This will include any setup/breakdown time. 

Don’t have an interest in either? Find a spot to cuddle or socialize with your local sex-positive members.

Our lower level will be open for any non-escalatory play during the first part of the event, then transition to an escalatory space at 9:00pm.

Purchase tickets for this event here. Not yet a member? No problem! Purchase New Member tickets here to join us an hour earlier for New Member Orientation before the event. New Member tickets include orientation, your first month’s membership dues, and entry to the Sense & Sensuality party immediately following orientation.

If you have any questions, please email your hosts at SaS@thecspc.org.

Awesome Boundaries Workshop with Sex Positive World

Sex Positive World is hosting an online workshop about creating and maintaining healthy boundaries and relationships. We’ve all come across times when we’ve wanted to say “no” but ignored our instinct. Or perhaps the opposite, wanting to say “yes” but being too afraid. Take a few hours to learn more about negotiation, consent, and healthy boundaries. 

Some of the topics that will be discussed during the workshop include:

Talk about what a boundary is and where we usually set them versus where we would like to set them

• Learn how to say "no" clearly and how to respond to hearing one

• Learn how to explore safely using negotiation, changing our “yes” to a “no” when needed, while giving and getting feedback

• Explore cultural differences in what looks and feels like a healthy boundary 

• Learn how to deal with someone who doesn't respect our boundaries

• Learn more about fight, flight, freeze and fawn responses in yourself and others

• Have opportunities to practice and discuss boundary setting with other participants

Date: Sunday, February 19

Start time: 10 a.m. PST

Duration: 3 hours

Inclusive prices range from $0–$25

RSVP here!

CNM Study Participants Needed!

Study Participants Needed!

Communication About Important Transitions in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships

Happy January my lovelies! Time to participate in science!

West Virginia University PhD candidate, Rachael Purtell, is conducting interpersonal communication research with consensually non-monogamous populations. She is currently investigating communication among people in long-term, committed CNM partnerships navigating major transitions in their relationship(s). Broadly, this study is interested in communication within traditional underrepresented romantic relationships and how social issues are communicated and perpetuated in and by organizations. 

Expanded study details and survey link can be found here:

https://wvu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6mN5M6bhPfPjVqe

If you are interested and choose to participate, the study consists of one 20–30 minute survey. Inclusion criteria are listed below.

• 18 years or older

• currently be in a self-defined committed consensually non-monogamous relationship with at least one partner (e.g., including but not limited to a primary partner, nesting partner, life partner)

• that partner has started a new sexual or romantic partnership with someone other than yourself in the past six months

You will have the option to enter a raffle to win one of eight $100 Amazon gift cards via a separate survey, which can be accessed via a link provided at the end of the survey.

Contact details:

Researcher: Rachael Purtell

Phone: (304) 293-3905

Email: rep0027@mix.wvu.edu

This is an IRB-approved study. If you have any questions about your rights as a research participant, please contact the WVU Office of Human Research Protection by phone at (304) 293-7073 or by email at IRB@mail.wvu.edu.

First Play Party: Tips and Tricks

by Flowers

So you’ve decided you want to go to your first kink party! You’re going to have an amazing time. The kink community is full of incredibly kind and loving individuals. However, it can be a bit nerve-wracking to go to your first party, so in honor of Fresh Meet and the Finding Your Way discussion group, here are a few things you can expect from your first party. 

Before I start though, keep in mind that these tips, as with many things in kink, are fluid. What may be true for one person may be the exact opposite for others. 

1: What will people be wearing? 

When going to a party, you will see people wearing all kinds of things. When entering the party venue, most people will be wearing casual clothes, so as to not attract outside attention and to stay street legal. Once they get inside, the rules absolutely change. You will see people in just about everything, from regular street clothes, to lingerie, to fetish outfits, to absolutely nothing but a smile. There is no pressure to wear anything specific, and you should wear whatever makes you most comfy. 

You should also check the rules of the party/venue, because they might have certain rules about what you can or can’t wear. 

2: You don’t have to play.

A common mindset when attending a kink party for the first time is the idea that it’s going to be everyone having sex with everyone, or that you must have sex, or hit people, or take part in a scene. That’s not true at all. There are many people who simply enjoy watching or hanging out with kinky friends and socializing, and that’s more than okay. Another worry about kink is how certain identities, such as asexuality for example, come into play. Asexual people also have a place in kink, and you don’t have to be interested in sex to enjoy a kink party. There are plenty of things for ace people to enjoy as well! And this holds true for the full spectrum of identities; there’s a place for everyone. Sometimes it can be very daunting to see everything that’s going on, and if you don’t feel comfortable jumping right in, you are allowed to take your time. 

3: Try to go into the party with no expectations. 

When going to your first party, you may have many expectations of how things are supposed to go. That is okay! That’s great! But be prepared to be flexible about it. Parties can be different from group to group, venue to venue, or even party to party. Maybe you see something at a party that you didn’t know existed but you want to try . Maybe you see something you thought you might want to try but then lose interest in. Things might not happen exactly the way you dreamed of, and that’s okay. It’s not your fault at all. There is always the next party! At my new member orientation, I received great advice from our wonderful president, Skitty: “Maybe this party you’ll have all of your kinky, sexy dreams fulfilled and do everything you’ve ever wanted to do. That’s absolutely incredible! Maybe you don’t, and that’s not how it works out. That’s okay too.” Go into it with no expectations, and be ready to take it as a fun experience. 

4: Relax and have fun! 

At the end of the day, the most important thing is enjoying yourself. You should never leave a play party feeling worse about yourself or upset that you attended. The CSPC always strives to be a fun, welcoming environment for everyone, but maybe you find that some parties just aren’t your vibe! That’s okay! The world of kink is expansive. There are different parties, discussion groups, and people to talk to. The most important thing should be that you are feeling safe and enjoying yourself.

So whatever happens, take a deep breath, relax, and have fun! You got this!!!

Intoxicants Prevent Informed Consent

At the Center for Sex Positive Culture, we do not allow the use of intoxicants of any kind, and we do not allow intoxicated people to enter or play at our events. These policies are followed strictly, and if we have reason to believe that you are intoxicated, you may be denied entry to or required to leave an event. Depending on the situation, you might also lose your membership entirely. The general rule of thumb we use is, if you cannot not safely operate a motor vehicle, you cannot enter our events.

But why?

There are a number of good reasons for this policy. First, being impaired reduces your capacity to consent to the kind of delicious fun that happens at our events. We don’t want somebody sobering up to discover they had a lot of fun that they would normally *not* have chosen to engage in. This is the stuff that consent incidents are made of.

Second, being impaired reduces your ability to gauge and monitor the consent of other people you meet and potentially play with. To put this more bluntly, having your beer goggles (or blunt goggles) on can make you come across as pushy to a person you’re interested in playing with, while you may be under the illusion that the conversation is going just fine. Being intoxicated has a tendency to create drama (another thing that we ask people to keep out of our spaces).

Third, the kind of activities many of us engage in at the CSPC can already create a potent mix of chemicals that are often described as intoxicating, if not transcendent. You can feel like you’re flying, but you should do so safely. It is unwise to mix these stimuli with other intoxicants, especially if you’re new to BDSM play and kink.

Fourth, some of the activities we do here require your coordination to be at its best. You are far more likely to accidentally strike or cut someone when you are impaired, and that will create a bad evening for both parties.

Fifth, intoxicants interfere with your ability to self-assess things like pain, numbness, tingling, etc. For many kinds of play, being able to keep tabs on your condition and report it to the person you’re playing with is critical. You want good memories from your evening of fun, not an unintended scar or nerve damage.

Finally, we lack the volunteer staff to assist you if you accidentally take too much of something, or the mix of substances and play turns out to be too much in combination. At best we would have to ask you to leave an event, and your fun is over for the evening. At worst, we might need to shut down the event so that an ambulance can come to get you, and everybody’s fun is over for the evening.

These are just some of the reasons that we adhere to this policy. What you do in your own time and in other spaces is most certainly your business, but we do ask you to keep all intoxicants out of our spaces and not attend if you find yourself intoxicated. You can always email us if you’ve accidentally taken too much of something, and we’ll happily move your ticket to another event at which you can come and take part while sober.

Stay safe and stay sexy,

The CSPC Board

Community Matters

Hey hey, sexy humans! Check out all the goodness going on!

KinkFest Reciprocal Member Discount

The CSPC is a proud partner of the Portland Leather Alliance (PLA), which hosts Portland’s annual KinkFest. As a reciprocal partner organization, the PLA has invited active CSPC members to attend KinkFest 2023 at the same discount they offer their own members. KinkFest is the PLA's premiere event, and it's taking place April 7-9, 2023 at the Portland Expo Center.

To receive the $20 discount, active CSPC members may email membership@thecspc.org to receive the special link to use when purchasing your KinkFest tickets. If you have already registered for KinkFest, you may email membership@thecspc.org for instructions to request a $20 refund. 

We're excited to see our CSPC community at KinkFest!

January Volunteer training for Registration and Monitoring

Join us on January 26, 2023, from 7-9 p.m., for our next volunteer training. Monitor training will run from 7-8 p.m. and Registration training will run 8-9 p.m. Registration is open now–log into Volgistics and register for the training on January 26 to get the Zoom link!

Not yet a volunteer, but want to get in on the action? Join the volunteer corps today! Just complete the on-demand online volunteer orientation and submit the volunteer application located on the Volunteering webpage. It’s that simple! The more parties we host, the more volunteers we need to keep things running smoothly. The CSPC is a fully volunteer-led, volunteer-run non-profit organization created by our members for our members. Become a volunteer and help chart the CSPC’s future!

New Newsletter Editor

We are delighted to welcome our new newsletter editor to the Communications Team. So much fresh hotness!

Ticket Sales Cap Increase as of January 1

Just a quick reminder that the increased cap in ticket sales for in-person events was effective January 1, 2023. At this time, we are selling 140 tickets per event. When we factor in the volunteers that make all our parties possible, we are now running at the venue’s top capacity. More tickets means more fun!

CSPC Swag!

Check out the CSPC's NEW RedBubble shop! T-shirts, sweatshirts, stickers, water bottles, cushions, and more—available now!

Coming Soon!

We’re working on updates to the CSPC website–keep your eyes open for our new Board page to keep our membership more informed and involved with the leadership of our community! 

Sexy (Social) Science 23.1

by Emma Atkinson 

Happy New Year to you all! Let’s keep the joy of the holiday season going for just a little while longer, okay? And if your holidays weren’t especially joyful, it’s not too late to let a little happiness seep in. 

For the first CSPC newsletter of 2023, I’ve got something juicy to share with you. No need to thank me just yet.

Maybe you’ve been wondering about the differences between boundaries and controlling behaviors. Or maybe it’s just me. Anyhoo, here’s what I’ve come up with: a boundary represents the limit of something you will do, and a controlling behavior is something you want someone else to do. It can be confusing, because sometimes people use the word “boundary” to try to control or change someone else.

Here’s an example: someone you know keeps bringing up a topic that makes you uncomfortable. You’ve asked them to stop talking about the topic, but you’re hearing it yet again. It could be any topic: when will you give your parents a grandchild, or when will you start a diet for real. A boundary represents what you want for yourself and an action you’ll take. Successful boundary-setting is more likely to happen when you state it clearly, without unnecessary emotion, and follow through with the consequences if it’s being tested. Consequences could be hanging up the phone, changing the subject, or leaving the room. 

Controlling behavior happens when you tell someone what to do or not do. It’s often accompanied by vague and highly emotional language, and comes without specific consequences. In the example above, controlling behavior might look like starting a fight about how many times you’ve told them you don’t want to hear about those topics or saying that if they really loved you, they wouldn’t bring those things up anymore. Both of these responses are highly emotional and focused on trying to change the other person, not a clearly-stated consequence that you can put into action yourself.

As adults, we can ask someone to do or not do something, and they can choose their actions accordingly. And then we can choose an action as well. 

Making this distinction can be frightfully complicated and difficult to untangle. Boundaries are meant for you, to enhance your body, mind, and spirit. If you find yourself experiencing uncomfortable feelings, it might be a good time to sit down and sort it out. 

As we start a new year, it’s a great time to ponder what serves you best. Those nagging, uneasy feelings are probably not going away on their own. They’re actually a gift to you, as Gavin de Becker points out in his book, The Gift of Fear. Think of them as little red flags trying to get your attention. 

Homework: check any resolutions you might have made for 2023 and make sure self care is right there at the top of the list. If your resolutions don’t include practicing more kindness, compassion, and gratitude—well, why not? It could bring you rewards way beyond anything you can dream up. The only way to find out for sure is to try it out for yourself and see what happens. It can’t hurt, right? Let me know how your experiment goes at: info@thecspc.org. 

Science!

Ask a (Sex Positive!) REALTORⓇ

by Rebecca Bingham

Happy New Year!

I'm here and queer with some questions that are frequently asked in my Fetlife inbox!

Is 20% down still the rule of thumb? 

It sure isn't! From VA loans that are 0% down to FHA loans with around 3% down (and TONS of down payment assistance programs), there's a lot more to think about. Even if you've bought a home previously, or held title previously, you still might qualify as a first-time home buyer! If you haven't owned/held title in three years, it's a reset!

What is the difference between prequalified and preapproved?

Preapproved is when you speak with a lender and start getting ready; they might have pulled your credit, but it's basically a letter saying, "at first glance, they can qualify for a mortgage."  Prequalified means you're already done with the mortgage application, it's been through underwriting, and you get a letter that says the top amount of the loan you qualify for at this minute is XXX amount. This means we're ready to write an offer and it will be more solid!

Do I have to sign a buyer’s agency agreement?

The short answer is yes. The long answer is that there are lawsuits about it. In the state of Washington, a buyer must sign a buyer’s agency agreement that says how much compensation is owed to the agent upon closing, and that that agent is working in YOUR best interest. We have a fiduciary duty to the party who we have a contract with. So, for listing agents, it's with the sellers per the listing contract, and buyer’s agents are bound to the buyers per the buyer's agency agreement. 

Happy 2023 to you and yours! Contact me if you have any real estate needs, questions, or referrals, and send me any home-related questions for next month’s column via DM on Fetlife or Facebook. (I’ll keep it confidential, of course!)