By Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake
Welcome back to our special corner of the Universe. We are continuing our talk about how good consent practices are intrinsically entwined with good fun. Check our recent CSPC newsletters to see what we’ve discussed so far.
When we decide to give consent, the most important place to start is learning about our own capacity. We need to have the capacity to protect autonomy, understand and share information, as well as make good decisions about what is being agreed to. Our partner(s) need to have the capacity to engage too. No one is ever at 100% capacity, and the level of capacity to make decisions and have clear consent directly influences the level of risk in an interaction.
How can we know our capacity levels? That’s where self-awareness comes into play. The willingness to be on your own side and advocate for yourself – no matter what – also comes into play. You’re worth every bit of respect, self-love and self-care that you grace yourself with as you continue to learn more about the lovely person you are!
Rachel suggests a daily check-in with yourself. Make a habit of starting your day by quietly reflecting, without distractions for just a few minutes, and seeing what comes up for you. This can be done before you get out of bed or while sitting with your morning cup of tea or coffee. Ask yourself, how am I doing today, physically, emotionally, and in relation to the world? Am I tired or feeling energized? (physical check-in) Am I at peace, happy, anxious or sad? (emotional) Am I looking at my commitments for the day ahead with dread, excitement or somewhere in between? (relation to the world) I (Emma) recently took a workshop where a lovely woman who uses this technique described her check-in process as a daily "roundtable" with herself. Isn’t that an awesome metaphor?
How would we know that something could be amiss with us? If personal check-ins are new for you, Rachel coaches folks to first tune in to their breathing. Breathing is both an automatic and conscious bodily function that can tell us a lot about the state of our capacity. Many people subconsciously hold their breath when they are stressed, scared, or anxious. Are you holding your breath as you read this? I (Emma) do it all the time at the dentist’s office. I get anxious just sitting in that chair - yeesh! Take some time to just breathe. Being mindful and taking slow, deep breaths actually calms your nervous system. Then, take a little more time to breathe, just to see how it feels.
What are some other signs that something’s up? Irritability or distraction are often signs that your capacity is at low tide, which can be rooted in physical needs (sleep, food, dehydration), or being emotionally flooded. Are you feeling overwhelmed, irked, or are you easily distracted from the task at hand? Remember to stop, breathe, and think – in that order, please.
These regular check-ins, or roundtables, which can be done in the morning or at any time during the day, are how you get to know yourself. This kind of self-awareness is a skill which improves through practice. If you aren't sure how to get started, there’s an ample supply of free resources for guided meditations, body scans and breathing techniques online that can help you become aware of, and gauge, your capacity.
As you better understand your capacity, it will be easier to build healthy consent practices into your relationships and daily life.
We give our consent to let you contact us with questions or comments at info@thecspc.org.