by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake
Holiday greetings from your friends at Consent Corner! We wish you a safe and sexy holiday season. Is it 2021 yet? We’re ready to start a consent-focused new year, so stay tuned for that.
Homework: summon gratitude for at least one thing that happened to you in 2020. As a song by the band Orbital says, “even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day.”
Please direct holiday greetings or questions to: info@thecspc.org.
By Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake
Welcome back, dear readers, to our ongoing journey through the world of consent. Consent maven Rachel Drake is our wise and wonderful guide.
December, for many of us, signals the start of many holiday celebrations. How can we celebrate in 2020? We’re glad you asked.
You may need to negotiate or decline invitations this year to protect your well-being. How can you do that with respect and grace?
Others may need to negotiate or decline an invitation that you’ve offered. How can you do that gracefully?
What if you have multiple partners? How do power dynamics influence your discussions? How are you defining your family?
The good news is that we have an opportunity to dig deep into our understanding of how consent is present in our lives. We get to find out where our lines for autonomy are. We get to consider what we need and want for our mind, body, and spirit. We get a clearer understanding of what our significant others need and want, too.
The better news is that we have the freedom to practice communicating with honesty and integrity. When we state our needs and wants and truly listen to others, we can create an agreement for the holidays and beyond.
Here’s a tip: start these conversations early. Give yourself and others time to ponder an agreement. You may want to sleep on the questions or discuss them with others. Take all the time you need. Consider the agreement an open document, subject to revision as life shifts around us.
Holidays offer us an opportunity to exercise compassion for ourselves and others. Actually, every day offers us that opportunity, and there’s never a better time than the present to start the practice. So, let’s get on it!
Got holiday wishes or questions for us? Let us know at info@thecspc.org.
By Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake
Greetings, lovely readers. This is the time of year when we think of gratitude. We’re grateful for you, brave believer in the value of sex positivity. Long may our collective freak flag fly!
Homework: Cultivate a grateful heart and thank those you love for sharing this time with you. Please. And, thank you.
You can thank us at: info@thecspc.org.
By Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake
Welcome back, dear ones. Thank you for continuing this journey through the complexities of Consent.
For this edition, we decided to ponder how to make consent communication as hot as possible. It’s our considered opinion that any communication can be hot - it all depends on what’s said and how it’s said.
Remember that mutual enjoyment is the goal. A sense of humor and an open mind will serve you well.
Talk with your partner(s) about words that light your fire. What do you call your private parts? You know which words get you ready for action. Maybe just hearing a word like tool or johnson gets you hot and bothered. Maybe talking about a bush or a pussy gets your juices flowing. Talk, share, and have fun!
Will you create a scenario for your activities? What roles will be played? How will we interact? Your imagination can be useful in creating a satisfying interaction.
How will you know when you’re done? Safewords can send a signal to your partner(s). The word “red” can indicate that you want to stop now. The word “yellow” can mean that you want to slow down what’s going on and ask your partner(s) to check in with you.
Nonverbal signals can be quite useful, too, when speaking is difficult. Think about wrestling, where a person taps out of a situation.
Got a signal for us? Send it to info@thecspc.org.
By Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake
Hello dear readers, and welcome back to our special Corner. It’s the Corner that asks you to think carefully about what consent means to you. We’ve described autonomy. We’ve considered capacity. We’ll be back to them, don’t worry.
Today, let’s consider how information affects consent. Here’s a hint: it affects it a lot!
Often, in an encounter with another human, there’s a difference in the level of power one person has when compared with the other. This difference is often referred to as a power dynamic. There are many reasons for a power dynamic: differences in economics, experience, age, gender, race, religion, or even politics.
Differences, per se, are neither good nor bad – they’re just differences. What we think is most important is that you’re aware of these differences and that you notice how they affect your communication with your partner(s). These differences can affect how you speak to each other and how you think of each other. Remember too that we’re considering sensual/sexual exploration, so by definition we’re describing high-intensity situations. A high-intensity encounter magnifies the impact of your differences in ways you may not have even considered.
Have you had an encounter with this partner(s) before? Good! You already know a few things about them and vice versa. You’ve built or started to build a strong foundation for what we call a consent framework.
Have you never encountered your partner(s) before? Good! You’re starting fresh and have the opportunity to start out on a solid foundation for your shared consent framework.
Homework: Ponder how power dynamics show up for you in your current relationships. Have you noticed anything that made you say “what the…?” or “that’s interesting”? How do you think differences between participants in an encounter affect their ability to give good consent? Think about an encounter you’ve had or an encounter that pops up as a fantasy (yum, right?). Do we give the best homework, or what?
Want more information? The Corner can be reached at: info@thecspc.org.
by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake
Welcome back to the Corner, lovely readers. Join us as we ponder the nature of consent.
Good consent will lead inexorably to good relations (trust us, and try it out for yourself). And, good consent starts with the participants’ understanding of their own and others’ capacity to give that consent.
We’ve talked a lot about capacity and how important it is to be able to check in with yourself and with someone else. Think about how you’ll remember to assess your capacity before and during interactions. The acronym HALT might help: try not to get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired since they all will sap some of your precious capacity.
How do you prefer to check in with others? One way to check on another's capacity, while preserving their autonomy, is to use one of the following questions: “How are you feeling right now?” or “Do you have the bandwidth to talk?" or "Do you want to check in now or later?” How you can best communicate with your partner(s) starts with checking in to see if they are receptive and have the capacity to share information.
Sharing information and exploring the details of an interaction is another important component of healthy consensual interactions. Next time, the pillar of "Information" is exactly what we’ll be discussing. Aren’t you glad you’re on this fascinating trek with us through the wild and wooly (and wonderful) world of consent!
Please direct your consent-related questions to: info@thecspc.org.
By Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake
Welcome back to our special corner of the Universe. We are continuing our talk about how good consent practices are intrinsically entwined with good fun. Check our recent CSPC newsletters to see what we’ve discussed so far.
When we decide to give consent, the most important place to start is learning about our own capacity. We need to have the capacity to protect autonomy, understand and share information, as well as make good decisions about what is being agreed to. Our partner(s) need to have the capacity to engage too. No one is ever at 100% capacity, and the level of capacity to make decisions and have clear consent directly influences the level of risk in an interaction.
How can we know our capacity levels? That’s where self-awareness comes into play. The willingness to be on your own side and advocate for yourself – no matter what – also comes into play. You’re worth every bit of respect, self-love and self-care that you grace yourself with as you continue to learn more about the lovely person you are!
Rachel suggests a daily check-in with yourself. Make a habit of starting your day by quietly reflecting, without distractions for just a few minutes, and seeing what comes up for you. This can be done before you get out of bed or while sitting with your morning cup of tea or coffee. Ask yourself, how am I doing today, physically, emotionally, and in relation to the world? Am I tired or feeling energized? (physical check-in) Am I at peace, happy, anxious or sad? (emotional) Am I looking at my commitments for the day ahead with dread, excitement or somewhere in between? (relation to the world) I (Emma) recently took a workshop where a lovely woman who uses this technique described her check-in process as a daily "roundtable" with herself. Isn’t that an awesome metaphor?
How would we know that something could be amiss with us? If personal check-ins are new for you, Rachel coaches folks to first tune in to their breathing. Breathing is both an automatic and conscious bodily function that can tell us a lot about the state of our capacity. Many people subconsciously hold their breath when they are stressed, scared, or anxious. Are you holding your breath as you read this? I (Emma) do it all the time at the dentist’s office. I get anxious just sitting in that chair - yeesh! Take some time to just breathe. Being mindful and taking slow, deep breaths actually calms your nervous system. Then, take a little more time to breathe, just to see how it feels.
What are some other signs that something’s up? Irritability or distraction are often signs that your capacity is at low tide, which can be rooted in physical needs (sleep, food, dehydration), or being emotionally flooded. Are you feeling overwhelmed, irked, or are you easily distracted from the task at hand? Remember to stop, breathe, and think – in that order, please.
These regular check-ins, or roundtables, which can be done in the morning or at any time during the day, are how you get to know yourself. This kind of self-awareness is a skill which improves through practice. If you aren't sure how to get started, there’s an ample supply of free resources for guided meditations, body scans and breathing techniques online that can help you become aware of, and gauge, your capacity.
As you better understand your capacity, it will be easier to build healthy consent practices into your relationships and daily life.
We give our consent to let you contact us with questions or comments at info@thecspc.org.
By Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake
Welcome back to Consent Corner! Consent maven Rachel Drake is our guide in learning more about this complex yet critical topic.
How did our discussion of capacity and consent sit with you? Were you able to relate your own experiences to anything we mentioned?
We talked a lot about factors that could possibly interfere with your ability to make good consent decisions. We’re all unique, and what throws me off balance in an interaction - like being really tired - might have a minimal impact on you, and vice versa.
Being human means we’ll make mistakes. And, it also means that we can learn and try to do things better in the future. As much as we try, we can’t foresee every possible feeling or event that presents itself in our encounters. What seemed super- exciting initially might turn into something that we’d like to end right now, thank you very much.
Remember that our goal in Consent Corner is for everyone involved to have the most fun possible! And, you get to decide what fun means for you.
Homework: notice how your ability to give consent changes over time. Pay particular attention if you feel uncomfortable or uneasy. These and similar feelings can guide you to a clearer understanding of what might be your own personal triggers, i.e., feelings that throw you off balance.
Got questions or criticisms? Want to send us fan mail? You can reach us at info@thecspc.org.
by Emma Atkinson
Welcome back to Consent Corner! We’re talking with consent expert Rachel Drake about the nuances of consent, which she assures us will lead to improved interactions. Thanks for joining us as we learn and grow.
In prior newsletters we’ve considered your autonomy: what aspects of an interaction will nurture your mind, body and spirit. Your partner(s) have their autonomy, too. So, how can we create an interaction that rocks everyone’s world?
Rachel suggests that we pay attention to these key concepts for healthy consent interactions she helped develop with the Consent Academy: Capacity, Information, Agreement and Autonomy. We’ll consider each of these concepts thoroughly, starting with capacity.
Capacity means everyone involved in an interaction is able to understand what they are agreeing to, and able to give and/or receive a clear-headed yes or no free of coercion. One way to test if there is good capacity when it comes to power dynamics is that all parties feel comfortable enough to stop whatever is happening at any time for any reason. Have you noticed how if you’re hungry or tired you might not have made exceptionally good choices? How does consuming drugs or alcohol influence your decisions? Have you noticed that a strong emotion like anger or fear can cloud your judgment? Rachel says that we’re constantly influenced by factors like these that can interfere with optimal decision making. She assures us that we’re never operating at 100% capacity – let’s take comfort in knowing that we’re human and we’re always adapting to what life gives us.
Okay, I asked, how can we evaluate our capacity to give consent? Know yourself, Rachel says. Know yourself well enough to consider what could be limiting your capacity. Encourage your partner(s) in their self-reflections and keep the communication flowing. The more diminished one’s capacity the higher the risk of violating consent. If you don't feel good about your capacity or someone else's it is better to say "no".
Rachel encourages us to think of an interaction as a series of events over time. There’s planning, foreplay, play, aftercare, tomorrow, next week, etc., etc. If we’re lucky, that is! What do we want it to look like? Capacity – yours and others’ – can change at any time, so staying transparent is vital to everyone’s best interests.
Stay tuned – more on capacity will be coming your way next time! And, we’d love your feedback at info@thecspc.org.
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If you would like more information about this model of healthy Consent you can contact Rachel Drake at https://racheldraketransformations.com/about
or Consent Academy at https://www.consent.academy/