Consent Corner 2.11

by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake 

Warm springtime greetings from our corner to you!  We’ve been relishing the feel of some warm-ish breezes, the sight of perky daffodils swaying in those breezes, and the heady though short-lived scent of hyacinths.  What a great time to talk about consent! 

We recently came across a crossword puzzle clue that read something like: able to freely discuss one’s kinks.  Our first thoughts were along the lines of:  fortunate and open-minded.  The answer that fit in the puzzle’s appropriate boxes was “sex positive” - quite an apropos definition, in our opinion.

In a consent discussion, each participant will ideally feel comfortable discussing their idiosyncrasies.  These specific traits - or “kinks” in sex-related discussions - are what make each of us the unique and lovely beings that we are.  

Since you’re reading this edition in the CSPC newsletter, you likely consider yourself to be sex-positive.  But what does it mean to be sex-positive?  If we asked 10 people to define the term, we’re likely to get 10 different answers.  The answers would no doubt be similar in many ways, yet there would be subtle differences that reflect each individual’s ideas and experiences.  And that’s a wonderful thing!  Our differences are a cause for celebration.

Sharing information about how we personally define terms is an act of discovery to help make meaningful agreements. Understanding those differences is such an important part of a clear consent conversation to be able to uphold our own autonomy, and that of others. 

The CSPC is embarking on a member-sourced sex-positive dictionary project that hopes to capture the nuances of our combined knowledge and experience.  Please consider adding your voice as we learn and grow together.  

Homework:  ponder what “sex-positive” means to you, and jot down your thoughts so you’re ready to add them to the collective dictionary.

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel

Consent Corner 2.10

by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake

Greetings, most beloved readers!  Thank you for returning to the corner in which all things consent-related are discussed.  If this is your first time here, welcome!

We’ve been talking about consent agreements lately, and about how important it is to revisit them periodically.  We’ve considered how making agreements is similar to creating boundaries.

What if in the course of a consent conversation you’re met with what you consider some form of blowback or opposition? You might perceive the response as containing anger or defensiveness - then what?

Now, let’s take a step back for a minute to note that healthy communication is based on mutual respect for each other's autonomy and boundaries, a commitment to transparency about your capacity, and sharing information about your experience with the activity you are going to engage in. Ideally, all participants are willing to acknowledge and accept accountability for their words and deeds in the interaction. Opposition is less likely to happen when the consent conversation begins with these concepts firmly in mind. 

We think that the best solution to any conflict (or difference of opinion, but we’re just saying conflict here) is a win-win solution. A good question to ask is: “How can we all get what we want and feel good about it in this situation?” 

Marshall Rosenberg wrote extensively about Nonviolent Communication, and how to structure interactions so that the participants leave it with their needs met.  We think that your time learning more about him and his ideas is time well-spent (http://www.cnvc.org).

In a win-win situation, everyone wins (well duh, you might say, and rightly so).  But it might take a little digging to understand what unmet needs could be triggering the conflict.  Here’s an example: you say that you don’t want to kiss during your sexual interactions and your partner seems upset at this request.  What’s the unmet need?  Maybe your partner equates kissing with love and is afraid that your request means that you don’t love them.  They need to know that you love them, so it’s an unmet need.  Maybe your partner needs to feel connected with you and is afraid of feeling disconnected if there’s no kissing.  Again, it’s an unmet need. What else can you do with them to show your love or connection?  There’s hugging, cuddling, spooning, nuzzling - and your creative kinky mind can come up with so many more fun ideas. 

Differences of opinion mean that we’re human and our brains work.  They give us the opportunity to ask our brains to work a little more to better understand ourselves and each other.  Welcome these opportunities and learn from them, and remember that the goal is a win-win outcome. 

Homework:  think about a conflict situation you’ve experienced that resulted in a win-win outcome (or a win-win-win-win-… outcome for those polyamorously inclined).  No reason - just bask in remembering how good that felt!  And, share your outcome tales with us at:  info@thecspc.org.

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel

Consent Corner 2.9

by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake

Hello again, dear friends!  Welcome back to our world, brimming with ideas about consent.

We’ve been considering the intricacies of making and revising consent agreements. Please check out previous editions to review or learn more about what we’ve discussed so far.  

As promised, we’ve been pondering the nature of boundaries and we found a great article on that very topic.  Vanessa Stevens wrote about different types of boundaries here. 

She offers a clear definition of healthy boundaries (spoiler:  they’re called flexible boundaries and you’ll read more about them in future editions here).  And even better, she makes a compelling argument for how they can make our life even more wonderful. 

Homework:  please read what Vanessa Stevens has to say about boundaries and ponder what your boundaries have looked like.  Please share amusing stories or insights with us at:  info@thecspc.org.  And, please stay safe and sexy!  

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel

Consent Corner 2.8

by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake

Hello wonderful readers!  Welcome back to Consent Corner- we hope that we’re in at least your top three corners, even if we’re not at the tippy top. We’re so glad to have you with us as we ponder the many-faceted jewel of consent.

Shout out to a reader who sent us a lovely note asking us to write more about creating and maintaining boundaries.  We’ve been thinking long and hard (ooh, is it getting hot in here?) about your question and we’ll be talking more about boundaries in upcoming episodes.  It’s *such* an important topic for all of us and it affects *every* part of our lives.  Stay tuned.

A key part of creating boundaries is creating agreements, and our previous episode considered creating agreements with new partners.  Once you’ve made these agreements, you’ll want to revisit them from time to time, and that’s our topic today.

Revisiting your agreements means talking about them, so the first thing to do is create a space in which everyone feels comfortable to express their likes and dislikes.  It means openness and honesty.  It means making sure you’re understanding what’s said.  And, it means listening without judging.  

It’s a lot to ask, we know, and we know that you can do it!  When you see how well it can work for you, you can lavish praise upon us later.

If we’ve learned nothing else in the past two years, as COVID has been smacking us upside the head, it’s that things change.  We’re all getting older, our bodies change, our needs and wants change - who can keep up?  You can.

We suggest revisiting your agreements at least once a year, though a quarterly conversation might work better for you.  How about at the Solstice and Equinox times?  How about monthly, at the ides?  It didn’t work out so well for Caesar, but it just might work for you.  Just knowing that there’s a scheduled time to talk can help even the most reticent of us open up in conversation.  

There’s a great tool for a relationship check-in at multiamory.com called RADAR. That means: 1) Review, 2) Agree on the agenda, 3) Discuss, 4) Action points, and 5) Re-connect.  Please check them out for the details, and you’ll find lots of other potentially useful information there, too.  

Homework:  review the RADAR model at the multiamory site and revise it for your own purposes.  And, check-in with us at:  info@thecspc.org. 

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel

Consent Corner 2.7

by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake

Hello stupendously sassy readers!  We’re glad you’re here with us as we explore the fascinating world of consent.

We’ve been talking about boundaries.  If you’re new to the CSPC and the newsletter, welcome!  You can review any of our other discussions in previous newsletters.  It’s not required reading, but it may answer some of your questions.

Any discussion of boundaries will necessarily involve a discussion of agreements.  And, as it happens, the concept of Agreements is one of the main pillars in the consent structure you’re building.  We’ll consider the topic here and in upcoming columns, so stay tuned! 

We’re big fans of using the term agreements rather than rules.  After all, rules are made to be broken, right?  And who are “they” to tell me what to do?  Do these questions remind you of thoughts that may have passed through your mind at any time?  We thought so.

When we make an agreement, however, we acknowledge that we’re going to hold ourselves accountable for abiding by it.  We’re giving our consent to the interaction as we’ve defined it of our own free will.  Who would ever say that agreements are made to be broken?  Probably not people you’d want to trust with your personal well-being. 

In all of your relationships you have the right - and the responsibility - to create agreements with your partners.  Here are some questions to ponder when considering consent agreements.

What will happen when you’re together?  How long will you be together?  What kind of contact will there be?  Will any implements be used?  (For those of us who enjoy impact play, the word “implements” gets us a little hot and bothered.  Moving on… ).  How will you know when you’re done?  

How will you communicate with each other - before, during, and after the interaction?  You’ll want to determine the safeword vocabulary you’ll use in your time together, which would ideally include both verbal and nonverbal signals.  You might also want to be in touch one or two days afterwards to make sure everyone’s okay.

What must not happen when you’re together?  These are the activities for which you do not give your consent, and they’re sometimes called “hard limits.”  It seems sensible to say that anything that threatens your life ought to be off-limits.  But what about things that might jeopardize your health, or your job, or your relations with others?  You have the right to specify what’s not acceptable for you 

Here’s a tip that might help:  try having the person listening summarize what they just heard.  For example, the listener might say “I heard you say that we’re going to cuddle, which could include kissing and hugging, and that clothing will remain on.”  The speaker can then confirm or correct the summary until there’s agreement and understanding.  

Small but important aside:  please think long and hard about the implications of having someone fail to honor one of your agreements.  Please include a trusted friend in your deliberations.  A breach of trust might indicate abuse, and that’s not okay.  

Homework:  Think about the agreements you’ve made with your partner(s) and talk to them about it.  Then, do some of the fun things you’ve been talking about!  

Questions about agreements?  We’re at info@thecspc.org.  

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel 

Consent Corner 2.6

by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake

Hello sexy readers, and happy 2022!  We’re so glad you’re here with us in the coolest community ever:  Sex-Positive Kids! (™)

C’mon, really?  Of course we’re sex positive.  Who would ever argue that sex should be negative??  Not us, that’s for sure.

How were your holidays?  If it’s true that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, then we’re officially wonder women at this point.  Moving on…

Did the advice we offered last time help you navigate some of your relationships?  These are definitely trying times and add in the holidays- yeesh.  Remember that each day gives you the opportunity to do something - anything, really - a little better than you did it yesterday.  We like to say that what’s “better” is what enhances your body, mind, and spirit.  Your mileage may vary.  

Some days are more challenging than others - as are some whole months and years.  Here’s a resolution for 2022 that we suggest:  practice more gratitude.  Somehow, gratitude seems to soften us, and life feels a little easier.  

Thank volunteers at CSPC parties - they’re making all that fun you’re having possible.  Thank members of the CSPC online groups you attend - they’re giving you support, encouragement, and useful information to help you on your life’s journey.  Thank the people who are active on the Discord server - Fleur and Connie and their minions are doing great work building a thriving community.  Thank people you meet at munches for helping you meet wonderful people like them at munches.  Thank the Board for helping make stuff happen.  The CSPC is you and it’s us.  Members are doing everything for us - other members.  

It’s a funny thing - gratitude seems to be a win-win-win approach to just about any situation. The recipient feels good, you feel good, and life looks a little bit brighter.  And, do you know what makes life even brighter?  Volunteering.  Be the change you want to see in your world.  And meet great kinky people while you’re doing it!  

A friend of ours wrote a song called “It’s Hard to be Mad When You’re Singing.”  It’s true - you can sing and be mad, but it’s hard to do both at the same time.  We suggest that it’s hard to be mad when you’re grateful.  

Homework:  What if you expressed your gratitude 5% more than usual this month?  What could happen?  Please find out.

Would you like to share a discovery - Earth shattering or otherwise?  We’re at info@thecspc.org.  

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel 

Consent 2.5

by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake

Hello treasured readers!  We’re so grateful for your continued support and encouragement.  

We talked a lot about building solid foundations on respect, understanding  the pillar of capacity, yours and theirs, and envisioning the way our consent frameworks could look. As you are embarking on interactions and potential gatherings during this season, it’s a great time to examine how and when you get (and give) information. 

With celebrations aplenty, all with varying levels of safety as we are in the midst of a pandemic, getting, or giving, all of the information you need about an event is important to the health and safety of you and those you hold dear. If you are hosting the event, it’s a great idea to have a “Pandemic Plan” and let your guests know in advance, as well as details like: How many people will be attending? Indoors or out, what kind of airflow? Masks? Vaccination/test status? And any other details that might help you keep your loved ones safe.  

We all have varying levels of comfort, when it comes to socially interacting, so first, know yourself. What are you comfortable with? What are your “hard no’s”? Where you have been, and with whom? Was the event or gathering open air, or inside; masked or unmasked? These are great pieces of information to share with potential merry-makers you want to see and interact with. Just like a “safer” sex talk, we can share information in the same way, as well as request it from others. You can help make it an easy conversation by sharing with care, curiosity, and compassion.   

We wish you the warmest, happiest, merriest, cuddliest, jolliest, holiest, and sexiest holiday season possible!  And we wish you a consent-filled 2022!

Homework:  Please do your utmost to enjoy the holiday season to the maximum extent possible.  You can share holiday greetings with us at info@thecspc.org. 

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel 

Consent Corner 2.4

by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake

Hello, dear readers! How lovely to be with you again on this journey through the wild and wonderful world of consent. 

We’re continuing to build our model for good consent: a structure that will happily house our consent agreements and be welcoming to others. Let’s take a minute (or six) to ponder the kind of structure we want to create.

We’ve already considered some key features of the building: it’ll be built on the solid ground of respect; it’ll have a strong foundation of personal autonomy; it’ll have supporting columns of capacity, information, and agreement; and its roof will be others’ autonomy. But what kind of building will it be?

The good news is that since it’s imaginary, we don’t have to concern ourselves at all with building codes or materials or costs. The better news is that it can look like anything your heart desires, so go ahead and dream big!  

We suggest that your image of the structure be as detailed as possible, knowing that it can change at any time for any reason. Picture in your mind’s eye its location--are you near water or mountains or a busy metropolis? Picture the building itself--is it a welcoming place?  What will the pillars be made of--do you see stone columns as in ancient ruins, or is there lots of glass?  Are there comfortable seating/playing areas? Where will you keep all of your wonderful toys?  Will there be a media space to keep up with Consent Corner and what your CSPC friends are doing?  

Your structure will be a safe place, even as it’s under construction. It will support you always, regardless of any storm or other unpleasantness that may arrive. And it will welcome others whenever and however you choose.  

Your building can be a place to go when you want to ponder some aspect of consent.  When you picture yourself there, you’re surrounded by love and light--a perfect environment for making good choices. Or not--but then you get to go back to this safe place and reflect on what a friend of ours lovingly refers to as “another f*$&ing opportunity for growth.” We know those far too well!  

Homework: create a picture of the consent building you’re constructing in your imagination, making it as detailed as you can.  Extra Credit: make a sketch of it and send a copy of it to us at: info@thecspc.org.  

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel 

Consent Corner 2.3

by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake

Hello sexy readers!  We hope you’re staying snug and dry as the weather becomes wetter and chillier.  This column considers all aspects of consent, using your questions and comments as a guide.

In versions 2.1 and 2.2, we reintroduced our model of consent as equivalent to a strong, sustainable building.  Creating good consent in our lives means that we construct the building on the solid ground of respectful relations.  Then we build the foundation, which represents our personal autonomy - the right to choose what nurtures our body, mind, and spirit.  We create pillars on this foundation:  capacity, information, and agreement.  These pillars hold up the autonomy of others, which is our building’s roof.

Those previous columns were about respect and autonomy.  It’s time to start crafting the pillars that will rest securely on our foundation.  Today we’d like to ponder the notion of Capacity.  In the context of consent, capacity represents your ability to give rational and voluntary consent to an activity.

So many things can interfere with our ability to operate at full capacity:  strong emotions, hunger, mood-altering substances, weariness, and physical pain or pleasure, to name just a few.  Add your own favorites to the list and you can see why we say that none of us is ever operating at 100% capacity.

So, relax and just notice what’s going on with you before you make a consent-related decision.  How do you feel physically and emotionally?  Are you noticing anything on the fringes of your awareness?

Maybe you want to have a conversation with your partner(s) about your capacity.  Maybe your partner(s) want to talk about their capacity.  Great!  Sneak preview:  we’ll be talking a lot about communication in upcoming newsletters.

Homework:  Sometime this week, pick a day and check in with yourself throughout the day.  Notice how your capacity to make good decisions might change over the course of that day.  Notice anything puzzling?  Good!

Send your puzzling questions to:  info@thecspc.org.  As always, praise and compliments are welcome there, too. 

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel