Consent Corner 2.11

by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake 

Warm springtime greetings from our corner to you!  We’ve been relishing the feel of some warm-ish breezes, the sight of perky daffodils swaying in those breezes, and the heady though short-lived scent of hyacinths.  What a great time to talk about consent! 

We recently came across a crossword puzzle clue that read something like: able to freely discuss one’s kinks.  Our first thoughts were along the lines of:  fortunate and open-minded.  The answer that fit in the puzzle’s appropriate boxes was “sex positive” - quite an apropos definition, in our opinion.

In a consent discussion, each participant will ideally feel comfortable discussing their idiosyncrasies.  These specific traits - or “kinks” in sex-related discussions - are what make each of us the unique and lovely beings that we are.  

Since you’re reading this edition in the CSPC newsletter, you likely consider yourself to be sex-positive.  But what does it mean to be sex-positive?  If we asked 10 people to define the term, we’re likely to get 10 different answers.  The answers would no doubt be similar in many ways, yet there would be subtle differences that reflect each individual’s ideas and experiences.  And that’s a wonderful thing!  Our differences are a cause for celebration.

Sharing information about how we personally define terms is an act of discovery to help make meaningful agreements. Understanding those differences is such an important part of a clear consent conversation to be able to uphold our own autonomy, and that of others. 

The CSPC is embarking on a member-sourced sex-positive dictionary project that hopes to capture the nuances of our combined knowledge and experience.  Please consider adding your voice as we learn and grow together.  

Homework:  ponder what “sex-positive” means to you, and jot down your thoughts so you’re ready to add them to the collective dictionary.

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel

What's In a Word?: Sex-Positive Dictionary

“Inconceivable!”

“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

–The Princess Bride

The mission of the Center for Sex Positive Culture is to “create spaces to celebrate, develop, and explore sexuality and sensuality among a diverse, supportive community.” An important part of that exploration within a diverse community is developing shared understandings of the language we use to describe ourselves, our sexualities, and our sensualities. 

For many of the words we use, however, there isn’t a single definition to rely on. Language is fluid, just like other forms of human expression (like our sexuality). So how do we create deeper understanding between us, while avoiding “one twue way-ism”? 

To approach this challenge, the CSPC is embarking on an ambitious project to member-source a dictionary of commonly-used terminology in the sex-positive community. This resource will be crafted by CSPC members and available to CSPC members (and possibly the public–we are looking into appropriate hosting platforms now).

Each word will offer multiple definitions submitted by CSPC members or crafted by CSPC member teams connecting via our Discord server. The author of each definition will be identified by their initials to honor the voice of the individual or team submitting the definition while minimizing any hierarchy of “rightness” that might spring up around definitions submitted by community leaders, etc.

In each newsletter, we’ll be announcing five “words of focus.” Please submit your definitions of those words or acronyms to the Sex-Positive Dictionary DTF (that’s Disappearing Task Force, pervs!) at sexpositivedictionary@thecspc.org. We’ll also be soliciting and sharing definitions of these five words on social media.

The five words for this issue are:

• Impact play

• Genderfluid

• Sensation play

• Brat

• Primal

Are there words you’d like to see included? Definitions you’d like to share for words that don’t happen to be on this period’s list? Questions about the project? Want to volunteer to help? Contact us at sexpositivedictionary@thecspc.org, and we’ll get right back to you.

Community Matters: Join the Action at the CSPC!

by Sadie

Did you know that CSPC currently puts on 22 events a month?  That includes virtual discussion groups, in-person events, New Member Orientations, Munches, Board meetings, and Volunteer events.  There’s something going on to entice everyone!  

Are you new to kink or the CSPC?  Check out Fresh Meet!  Are you an experienced player who loves dance music?  Come get your beat on at Power Play Mixed-Tape!  Want to volunteer?  Come get acquainted with our leadership at our Volunteer Munch! (Learn more about helping support your vibrant CSPC community as a volunteer here.)  Have a special interest?  Come to one of our Discussion Groups!  We have groups focused on Power Dynamics, Switching, Queer Identities, Consensual Non-Monogamy, Neurodivergence in the Scene, Erotic Writing and more!  

This is one of the many reasons I love the CSPC.  There’s something for everyone.  Some of our events aren’t my thing.  That’s okay, there are others that are.  If you haven’t visited recently, this might be a good time!  Check out the current event offerings and read the descriptions on our website at theCSPC.org/event. We can’t wait to connect with you!

Registration and Monitor Volunteer Training March 30!

by Sakari

Mark your calendars! Registration and Monitor volunteer training via Zoom on March 30!

Hi CSPC fam! Are you volunteer-curious? Do you have a drive to help your fellow community members? If so, think about taking an advanced volunteer training class with us! The CSPC is hosting a big training day on March 30.

From 5pm to 6pm there will be Registration training for anyone interested in facilitating our front-of-house operations. If you have experience in customer service and like the idea of greeting our party goers while smoothing their way to kinky enjoyment, this could be a great opportunity. 

From 6pm to 7pm we'll have a Monitor training classroom. Monitors are a key component of our mission. If you're passionate about consent culture, responsible kink, and just plain helping your fellow community members, please consider becoming one of our Monitors by taking this first step. Once the classroom portion is complete, you get the chance to sign up for a shadow shift at one of our parties to complete your training. 

If you'd like a chance to make a bigger impact at the CSPC, please join us in our online Zoom meeting space on March 30 at https://us02web.zoom.us/j/81161509712?pwd=U2QrbDNzSjV4VW1tb3JSSkNUbVBhQT09.

See our website for more information about becoming a volunteer. If you have any questions please send emails to eventsdirector@thecspc.org. 

Hope to see you there!

Hump History: Year One--First Impressions

by Teeebone

"You are getting this because you expressed some interest to be involved with the Wednesday Dance Party Team."- Excerpt from an email in late 2007

Our first team meeting was January 2, 2008. Originally the first Hump was supposed to be January 9, but we clearly weren’t ready so a follow-up meeting was held instead. The new start date was set for January 30, 2008. We decorated for the party with spare or borrowed gear, silks and member contributions to the CSPC, including some new lamps and vases, a red LED "lips" rope light wall sculpture and a plaster camel lawn ornament that we nicknamed "Humphrey" that became the party's mascot.

The weekly Wednesday party consisted of a social from 6-8pm, which was free to attend and open to the public. At about 7:45pm somebody got on the mic and announced that the party was about to begin and that those who hadn’t paid admission needed to go to the cashier’s desk or go home. Then from 8pm-12am it was sexytime!

To be honest, the first year almost killed us. The pace of the activity was exhausting. We jam-packed the Hump with demos, classes, and discussions during the social and served a simple hot dish with goodies at the party. We had a lot to learn about how to sustainably run the Hump, and it would be a while longer before we got into a more laid-back tempo.

In February, we had our first challenge. A conflict developed between the Cuddle/Romp Pile and the Self-Gratification Area (as it was called back then), which resulted in one or two drama threads on the old CSPC board on the Internet. Some folks were walking and wanking (wandering around the front area of the Main Space, looking for scenes to masturbate to), which disturbed the folks on the Cuddle/Romp Pile because they had NOT consented to being watched and masturbated to, so the Hump Crew sat down and wrote up new rules and set some boundaries:

• The Self-Gratification Area would be marked and veiled all around.

• Have the rules for this zone in the area for attendees to read.

• Intervene with attendees who walk & wank.

• Intervene with attendees who are wanking in the zone and watching people in other areas.

• Have the TV + DVD player set up with porn in the Self-Gratification Area.

• Rename this area "Solos, Sex and Voyeurs."

These measures helped heal the rift between the two groups. In any case, the fans of the Solos, Sex and Voyeurs space still had the option to attend a monthly party known as Myself! an event which focused on masturbation.

In March I was made an Event Coordinator, adding to my duties as a DJ, Poster Artist, and a Host of the Hump. I found myself wearing many hats! As the year went by, we found ourselves helping attendees plan scenes. Some were private, others were public. Public scenes like bukkake, glory hole, or gangbang scenes are more of an audience participation event, requiring more attention and care such as:

• Finding out what the requesting member’s preferences, expectations and boundaries were.

• Informing the requesting member about what needed to be done in order to structure a scene that would fulfill their desires while respecting their boundaries within the limits of CSPC rules..

• Ensuring all participants knew the rules of the scene and helping enforce those rules.

• Providing a safe haven for any needed aftercare and clean up.

And that's it. It's been the formula for success ever since. I often got an email or PM from somebody asking about organizing something special at the Hump, and I just couldn’t help but feel good all over about that.

There were concerns about the Hump becoming a "Sausage Fest" (as in way more men than women in attendance), a problem when running events like this, especially when everybody paid the same price for admission. We tried out a number of things including themes and workshops that focused on women and reduced admission pricing for women and couples. In the end however, we found that the best way to make the party appealing to women was to make the space a safe place for women to play.

By November, plans were made for a "Taster Party Hump" to be held on a 5th Wednesday of the year. A Taster event is like a sampler box of chocolates, only instead of chocolates, you get a sample of BDSM play, like a brief flogging or caning scene (to name a few). This party would become "Sweet Taste-ations," our twice a year BDSM Taster event, which would become a reality in 2009 and introduce “The Whump at the Hump” as a monthly sibling party later.

In December we had our biggest attendance yet: 71 people. The party rocked, and we were all up to the task. We ended the year with an Xmas Eve Potluck. Then we hibernated till January–although I did do a DJ set on New Year's Eve, LOL! After our first year anniversary, I sent this to the staff:

"It's been two days after the party and it's finally sinking in that a whole year has gone by. I sit tapping keys and feeling humble on a Friday trying to take it all in. In the space of a year we managed to create a weekly party at the club with some spare props and parts and a little imagination and energy to create... THE HUMP- a sex-focused dance party on a WEDNESDAY! And we succeeded in attracting and building an audience that attends regularly. None of this would have been possible without you, our volunteers. This is a shout out to all those who helped out with THE HUMP, from the past to the present. On behalf of myself, the other Hump ECs, our Director, the Site Coordinator and our Volunteer Coordinator, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR HELP!"--My email to the Hump Crew, 01-30-2009

Until next time! :^)

Consent Corner 2.10

by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake

Greetings, most beloved readers!  Thank you for returning to the corner in which all things consent-related are discussed.  If this is your first time here, welcome!

We’ve been talking about consent agreements lately, and about how important it is to revisit them periodically.  We’ve considered how making agreements is similar to creating boundaries.

What if in the course of a consent conversation you’re met with what you consider some form of blowback or opposition? You might perceive the response as containing anger or defensiveness - then what?

Now, let’s take a step back for a minute to note that healthy communication is based on mutual respect for each other's autonomy and boundaries, a commitment to transparency about your capacity, and sharing information about your experience with the activity you are going to engage in. Ideally, all participants are willing to acknowledge and accept accountability for their words and deeds in the interaction. Opposition is less likely to happen when the consent conversation begins with these concepts firmly in mind. 

We think that the best solution to any conflict (or difference of opinion, but we’re just saying conflict here) is a win-win solution. A good question to ask is: “How can we all get what we want and feel good about it in this situation?” 

Marshall Rosenberg wrote extensively about Nonviolent Communication, and how to structure interactions so that the participants leave it with their needs met.  We think that your time learning more about him and his ideas is time well-spent (http://www.cnvc.org).

In a win-win situation, everyone wins (well duh, you might say, and rightly so).  But it might take a little digging to understand what unmet needs could be triggering the conflict.  Here’s an example: you say that you don’t want to kiss during your sexual interactions and your partner seems upset at this request.  What’s the unmet need?  Maybe your partner equates kissing with love and is afraid that your request means that you don’t love them.  They need to know that you love them, so it’s an unmet need.  Maybe your partner needs to feel connected with you and is afraid of feeling disconnected if there’s no kissing.  Again, it’s an unmet need. What else can you do with them to show your love or connection?  There’s hugging, cuddling, spooning, nuzzling - and your creative kinky mind can come up with so many more fun ideas. 

Differences of opinion mean that we’re human and our brains work.  They give us the opportunity to ask our brains to work a little more to better understand ourselves and each other.  Welcome these opportunities and learn from them, and remember that the goal is a win-win outcome. 

Homework:  think about a conflict situation you’ve experienced that resulted in a win-win outcome (or a win-win-win-win-… outcome for those polyamorously inclined).  No reason - just bask in remembering how good that felt!  And, share your outcome tales with us at:  info@thecspc.org.

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel

Community Matters: Staying Safe with More Sexy People

As the public health guidelines for COVID-19 precautions continue to shift, The CSPC is committed to protecting the safety of our members to the best of our ability. We want all our members to make decisions about purchasing tickets for CSPC events with full knowledge of protocols that will be in place at the time of the event. That means that our protocols will shift more slowly in practice, as we want to make sure that events uphold the protocols in place when the event was first advertised and tickets were sold.

As you know, The CSPC has three primary areas of safety precautions in place for in-person events at this time: mandatory proof of vaccination; mandatory masking except for eating, drinking, or using your mouth in a scene; and capping event attendance at 100 tickets sold in order to create space for more social distance.

We have sold out nearly all in-person events since we returned to holding parties, so it is clear that our community is eager to gather, and we want to be able to welcome as many members as possible at our events. 

In the interest of serving our community’s need to connect in-person while maintaining the safest environment possible, we are pleased to share that events being scheduled for April will have an increased cap of 120 tickets sold. Vaccination and masking protocols will continue to be unchanged at this time.

We appreciate the willingness to consider each other’s safety and comfort you have demonstrated by supporting the ongoing vaccination and masking policies, which made increasing the number of members at our gatherings an easier choice.

We will announce further changes to The CSPC’s standing COVID protocols in the newsletter and will note the pertinent expectations for each event in the specific event descriptions.

Stay safe, stay sexy!

–The CSPC Board

Lucky Pervs! Come Join the Shenanigans at Femme Dominion!

Join us at Gallery Erato on Saturday, March 19, for Femme Dominion, a BDSM play party for Femme identified Tops and all the people who adore them. Get your kink on and get in some socializing with like-minded pervs in a Queer centered space. Bask in the many glorious forms that Femme can take, especially when it takes charge.

Play equipment and places to get intimate abound with seating scattered throughout the space to optimize the sweet voyeur/exhibitionist dynamic of public play. If December’s event was any indication, you can expect a wide variety of sensual, sexual, and solidly S/M scenes all night long.

We’ll start the evening with a social hour to help you climatize into our erotic world and enjoy some slightly less distracted interactions. We’ll also have name tags and red wrist bands for flagging to ease introductions and help those folks interested in pick-up play find each other.

This is a Queer centered, but not exclusionary, party focused on Femme Dommes and all the lovely people who appreciate our particular attentions as well as those who simply prefer Femme led spaces. We embrace Femme in its many varied manifestations inclusive of, but not exclusive to, gender identity.

Come explore ours or your own.

There will be no tickets available at the door for this event, tickets are only available through pre-purchase online. Registration for this party is limited to a maximum of 100 tickets and we did sell out in advance of our last event so plan accordingly.

It’s time for Femme Dominion shenanigans! Saints need not apply.

Wicked Wordplay: A Sex-Positive Writing and Reading Group (ONLINE)

Mmmmmm….Saucy stories! Pervalicious poetry! Erotic essays! Naughty notes! Give us all your Wicked Wordplay! 

Come join in sensual and sexual co-writing and reading time with facilitators Chel and Eirikah, tech host Turtle, and our supportive online community at our first gathering on Wednesday, March 23, from 6:00 pm to 8:00 pm Pacific time. Attendance is free for CSPC members, and $5 for non-members. Register here to get the Zoom link via email.

Each session will begin with a review of our group agreements and the CSPC Online Group rules, followed by 30 minutes of co-writing time. We’ll provide a prompt to get your creative juices flowing—or you can work on the sexy writing project of your choice!

For the second hour, we invite writers to share 5 to 10 minutes of their verbal hotness and imagination with the group. If our group is too large to accommodate all the writers who choose to read, our breakout rooms create more capacity for connection. We’ll close each session with a few minutes of conversation about writing-focused topics.

Wicked Wordplay will NOT provide dedicated workshopping time–we focus on parallel writing within virtually shared (if physically separate) environments, then indulging in the pleasures of sexy storytime. 

If you choose to share your writing, you can request to receive appreciation only, brief constructive comments via chat, or more detailed critiques in a shared Google doc. 

All sex-positive writers and readers/listeners are welcome. Come celebrate your unique sensual and sexual experience by writing and reading with us. We’re excited to get spicy with you!

Don’t fancy yourself a writer, but love to be teased and tantalized by wicked wordplay? Join us! You can use our co-writing time to journal, compose love notes to your honey (or yourself!), or just doodle your daydreams, then sit back and enjoy listening to the group’s reading. You might even surprise yourself and decide to read sometime!

A little peek at your facilitators, Chel and Eirikah: 

Chel (they/them)—pronounced like “chode” and “cherry”—is a monster with an appetite for language, adventure, and primal play. They snagged a Bachelor of Arts in English, and then convinced a corporation to pay them for writing words. In their free time, Chel crafts fantastical adult literature to explore their endless collection of kinks. Chel’s dearest dream is to become a flaming wheel with six wings and infinite eyes.

Eirikah (she/her) is a writer, Witch, and sexual rebel who identifies as a white, polyamorous, bisexual, cisgender woman, Dominant-leaning Switch, and sadomasochist. Her one true fetish is language; both/and is her magic word. Her erotica was published in the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival Literary Art Anthology in 2018, 2019, and 2020. As a somatic sex+relationship coach (https://desirealchemy.com) who believes in the healing power of authentic sexuality, she is also a contributor to two Amazon bestselling books: Sacred Medicine: Mystical Practices for Ecstatic Living and The Ultimate Guide to Self-Healing Volume 5. She holds an MFA in Creative Writing and serves as a member of the CSPC Board of Directors and editor of the CSPC newsletter.