By Turtle
TW: depression/loneliness
I learned a long time ago that I'm the type of person who needs to overlap projects so that nothing completely starts or ends at the same time. I cannot allow a project to end with no plans to begin waiting for me. It's easy for me to get depressed following the excess energy that is the culmination of any large project, especially a successful one!
That depression occurred to me last year. I was stuck betwixt and between my inner and outer world. I had a large project that I was increasingly isolated from during the planning stage. The other people had other priorities pulling attention in their lives. That happens.
Due to a certain set of personal circumstances, I didn't ask for help. I was scared to ask for help. I didn't want anyone to see me as incapable. One of my greatest fears is failure. I learned that broaching that fear by pushing forward is the technique I use to work through it. At some point, in pushing my body and my mind to complete more work, I overwhelmed my logical thought and I forgot.
I felt like people had let me down and that so many things had gone wrong that didn't need to fail. It was an intense disappointment because I erroneously blamed the failures on myself and whether or not people wanted to work with me. Not whether or not they prioritized their work on the project. Ultimately, none of the successes or failures had anything to do with me. The successes and failures were those of the team working together. They worked hard to be flexible when there were issues. They deserved the event’s success! Everyone's excitement and passion for the project is what creates synergy.
So the project ends, a few people seem to step right over me in my leadership position without speaking to me, and I'm feeling very alone. Everyone else seemed to have a transformative experience. Created new community and friends. I did not. I went home alone to a busy partner.
I received only a few short messages about other topics. It was as if the project had not happened at all. All the people I thought I'd made friends with were gone; gone home to recover, go back to work, reassimilated into the borg. Everyone I thought cared about me suddenly weren't there.
I readjusted, coming down from the high of what was a fairly successful project. Then I became completely deflated with no contact. No other project. I dropped into a deep depression. The loneliness was intense. I considered changing my life focus completely.
I was consumed with circling negative thoughts. Thoughts like, “If no one cares to contact me or even say hi, I guess I don't matter. No one values me. I suck. Guess I'll eat some worms.”
Those thoughts don't do anybody any good. I'm neurodivergent with autism, among other diagnoses. I struggled from intense loneliness growing up. We moved a lot, and making new friends when you don't talk is an extraordinarily exhausting experience.
I eventually was given social skills training. Most of the time, I do well. But in this situation, it was as if I couldn't pick up the phone. I couldn't text anyone. I couldn't get on Discord without crying and seeing everyone else's joy.
I had to rewrite my inner dialogue. I knew those voices weren't right, they weren't truthful. They were just old negative reels of thoughts that would spiral me down deeper and deeper. I called my doctors and got some help. I was lucky.
I also understood a universal concept when I spoke to other people later. They said, “Well, I would have been happy to talk to you if you would have called me but I was really busy,” or “I didn't know that was happening to you.”
And they do care. It's just life is frantically busy and, if our attention is scattered across a multitude of directions, it's hard to keep track of people.
It's easy for people to get lost. Our community’s efforts toward extreme privacy and giving people room to do whatever they need to do without someone bugging the crap out of them…that is the antithesis of what people need at times. We are a community and a family.
If we reach out to each other when we haven't seen each other, just a check in when someone we enjoy has disappeared for a while, it can make a huge difference in feeling valued.
I'm NOT saying any of what happened during my depression is anyone else’s fault or responsibility. I wasn't expecting it and forgot to use all the tools in my toolbox.
I want to remind the community that we all have tools to help each other out.
I wrote down a list of three people who are my closest support system. The deal now is that I tell them when I'm struggling. “Hey, I'm having a hard time,” kind of a contract. An informal, you're my “friends and family” contract. I'm much more likely to follow through on something I feel is a requirement to my belief system and how I live my life.
Next, I wrote down a list of people who are on my friend list. And people I would like to be my friends. I made a commitment to myself to try to say hi or check in with them, whether it's once a week or once a month. This can be modified for whatever works for you, is comfortable for you, and enhances how you fit into the world socially.
If I know someone's phone number and I know they are super busy, I put it on my calendar to text them with something funny or lighthearted. I tell them that I do not expect a reply. Just want to know in my head that I made them smile.
I have no plans to post my personal drama on Discord. It often seems full of the occasional over-the-top emotional drama. I have a hard enough time handling it myself without other people “trying to help” en masse. Some of the Discord drama is just too much for me, even if well-meaning.
I made a deal with a long-distance friend. I addressed a bunch of envelopes and put stamps on them. We take turns handwriting a letter to each other. We try to use unusual products as paper like an ad from a magazine or a piece of tree bark. It's a true pleasure to receive a handwritten note.
I have a journal in which I write down all the good things that happen to me. I made a commitment to myself that if I wrote down something good that someone else did, I would share that with them. Or if I hear someone did something great, I will seek them out and share that with them, if I know them. I like spreading good gossip. That is the kind of gossip that brings people “up.” Good gossip doesn't put them down or make them less than.
It might be that you make plans to have coffee with somebody once a week. Or you meet up with someone who really wants to do something like karaoke but is afraid to go by themselves.
Any of these options can help draw you out of your own depression. Help you find value for yourself in the community again. They will all increase community, strengthen the bond between members, and alleviate loneliness. These habits help keep people from falling off the radar. Pick one, just one, and commit to it. See what happens in both your life and the lives that surround you.
**If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (para ayuda en español, llame al 988). The Lifeline provides 24-hour, confidential support to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Call 911 in life-threatening situations.