Consent Corner 23.1

by Emma Atkinson 

Hello lovely readers! Happy New Year to you and yours. Here’s hoping that 2023 brings you all sorts of juicy delights.

We’ve been considering the many facets of consent in this regular column. As you no doubt know, good consent practices are an important part of everything we do at the CSPC.

An especially wonderful and comprehensive model to use when you’re pondering consent is the FRIES model developed by Planned Parenthood. At the CSPC’s New Member Orientation, you probably heard the instructor describe this model and its five components. This is the perfect time to give a shout out to the amazing instructors who help you understand what the CSPC and sex positivity are all about. You know who you are—thanks! 

The FRIES acronym describes the ideal qualities that are present in good consent negotiations. Consent should be Freely given, and it can be Reversible by any participant at any time. In addition, it should be Informed by clear communication about boundaries and expectations. Finally, it ought to be given by Enthusiastic participants and represent Specific activities.

Good news! Consent Corner will be exploring each of these five qualities in upcoming newsletters. I can hardly wait—how about you?

Another upcoming column will give you some perspectives on the current consent culture at CSPC events. If you were a member a while ago and are planning to come to a party, you’ll want to check out what advice other members are offering. If you’re brand spanking new, you’ll definitely find it useful, too.

Homework: Revel in the glory that is you! And, share the revelry at: info@thecspc.org.

“Be excellent to each other.” —Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other.” —Emma

Consent Corner 2.20

by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake 

Hello.fabulous readers! And speaking of fabulous, have you had a chance to pore over the offerings in our Fucking Fabulous Fall Fundraiser? It’s your opportunity to support the CSPC and score some amazing items. Here’s the link: https://www.32auctions.com/CSPCffff.

The holiday season is upon us and it seems like a perfect time to consider negotiations. We’ve been hearing from folks who feel pulled in all sorts of directions, usually from well-meaning family members, loved ones, or even multiple partners. Here are a few thoughts on maintaining your well-being through it all.

Consider what you’d like as an ideal outcome and how attending an event or gathering will make you feel in the moment and in the long run. During this time of year, you may have different desires for how you spend your time than your partner(s). It’s a good idea to avoid assumptions, check-in on plans well in advance, and negotiate. We’re big fans of win-win solutions and think that’s the most favorable outcome for everyone. Recognize, however, that compromise will probably be needed since others will be involved, and they’ll have different needs and desires. Get out your fancy compromise hat and put it on as you proceed. Any hat that makes you feel fabulous can serve as a compromise hat in a pinch, and help you remember to negotiate with as much grace and kindness as you can muster.

Think about your needs and be mindful of what you feel are obligations. Most of us have loved ones near and far who want to spend time with us. Our family, whether of origin or creation, often has traditions that have evolved over time - sometimes for the better and sometimes not so much. What would serve you in mind, body, and spirit?  

First, consider opening the conversation about timing. Will your visit happen on the actual day of the holiday or on another day? Will you be spending the whole day or can you make a brief visit for appetizers or dessert? What time will you arrive and when will you leave? Are there circumstances which might prompt a change in this timing? For example, if you find a certain person’s behavior challenging, what will you do if that individual ramps up at the event?  

Second, what will you do at the gathering? Are there some rituals in which you choose not to participate? Are there any triggering events which would lead you to change your plans? Do you need to work out a safeword or phrase with your partner? 

It may be helpful to remember that expectations are resentments waiting to happen. It might be wise to carefully manage your own expectations and help others manage theirs.  

Holidays are wonderful times to reconnect with loved ones. Life offers no guarantees and we can be grateful for the times we spend with each other. Gratitude can make the holidays precious and memorable. See for yourself!  

Homework:  have a fabulous holiday season, and keep your focus on gratitude throughout.  Celebrate the season by sharing a photo of your compromise hat with us at:  info@thecspc.org.

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel 

Consent Corner 2.19

by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake 

Hello sexy readers! We hope you’re enjoying the lovely crisp weather that means November.  It’s fall and the trees are showing us how to let go of what we no longer need.  

Are you thinking that it might be time to add some new fun to your life? We’re talking about good consensual fun, of course.  

Adding something new might mean letting something else go. Marie Kondo suggests letting things go while thanking them for what they have brought to you. That sounds about right.

You may want to let go of old beliefs that are no longer serving you well. Maybe you could replace beliefs that begin with “I can’t…” to “I can…” or “I choose not to…”.  Beliefs that start with “If only…” or “I should…” might also be ripe for review and consideration.

While you’re pondering letting things go, here’s an important fact. Did you know that those expiration dates on condoms are for real? The material they’re made of can degrade or rot over time. Small holes in that material can make them unfit for their intended purposes and cause considerable grief to all involved. Toss them out, please!  

Embarking on new consensual adventures can be both exciting and scary. It might mean considering what assumptions you bring to the experience. Clearing away what no longer serves you well makes space to work on creating a consent framework that’s as beautiful and supportive as possible.  

Homework: think about a recent experience when you became aware of an assumption that turned out to be unfounded. Gently let it go, and then share it with us at: info@thecspc.org.

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel 

Consent Corner 2.17

by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake 

Hello again, dear readers!  It’s the dog days of summer, and if you feel the urge to howl at the moon or any celestial object at all, please go right ahead.  

Speaking of consent, the number of COVID cases is ramping up along with social interactions, and how about those masks?  When should I wear it?  What if I’m wearing a mask and I join a group in conversation who are all unmasked?  Or, vice versa, I’m unmasked and the group is not - what then?  

Neither of us is a medical authority.  We do, however, suggest that you be mindful when such situations arise.  Get the best information you can, consider what is best for you and the situation, and then trust your gut.  

Your personal autonomy always gives you the right to decide what’s best for you.  You may need to ask for a change in the situation, or you may need to leave.  Being mindful can help you figure out what’s best then and there.  

You have the opportunity to practice a superpower that mystifies a lot of people: how to be the one to start a difficult conversation.  One way to start a challenging conversation is by pointing out what’s going on.  You could say “I’m not masked and all of you are.”  

What next? Practice another superpower–kindness. You could ask for what you want or ask others what they want. You can leave if it seems wise. Gathering more information about how you can uphold the autonomy of others you want to engage with doesn’t have to be complex. Finding out what they are comfortable with by asking questions like, “I don’t have a mask on me, would you be more comfortable with me standing 6ft away or should we connect another time?”   

The kindness really comes into play when you accept whatever answer you are given with grace and a good attitude. It’s okay to be disappointed or feel your feelings, but upholding the autonomy of others, and creating a situation where everyone feels safe to state their needs (including “no”) without retaliation or negative reactions is important to healthy consent agreements.  

These suggestions are simple, but many people find that they are not easy at first; with practice they will come naturally.  In the beginning, you may need to muster all the courage you can to handle challenging situations with the kind of grace you will remember fondly, but it’s worth it!  Try practicing with people in your life that you know and trust. We’re pretty sure that you have the courage you need already inside you just waiting for the chance to help you out.  

Homework:  Start some conversations about masks and let us know how it went at:  info@thecspc.org

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel 

Consent Corner 2.16

by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake

Hello lovely readers!  Whew, wasn’t June Pride-tastic?  We’re still basking in the glow of celebrating with several thousand or so of our kindred spirits.  We hope it was amazing for you as well. 

July 4th, “Independence Day,” was a few days ago, which is a complex and difficult holiday for many people, especially those whose personal autonomy is not recognized in this country. Thinking about this inspired us to make a modest proposal. How about if on the other 364 days we celebrate Interdependence Day?  

Interdependence is the concept that two or more people, species, or things are mutually reliant  on each other. We’re all connected to each other in so many ways! It seems only prudent to remember and celebrate these connections and work extra hard to uphold personal autonomy when and where we can. Autonomy is the right to decide what happens with your own mind, body, spirit, and experience. If you know someone is struggling with recent events, ask them how you can best support them and their sense of personal autonomy. Having a discussion to update a relationship framework and consent agreements can be very empowering and an unexpected gift.

We have a whimsical illustration for this idea. Alice in Wonderland’s friends Mad Hatter and March Hare sang an Unbirthday song to her. They helped her understand that her Unbirthday is any day other than the day of her birth. Unbirthday presents can be given on those days and they can bring unexpected delight to the giver and the recipient. Who doesn’t like an unexpected delight?   

So, Happy Interdependence Day from our Corner to you! We’ve got boatloads of delight ahead for you as we celebrate our interdependence and talk more about autonomy in upcoming editions.  

Homework:  How will you or have you celebrated Interdependence Day? Please share your thoughts with us at:  info@thecspc.org.  

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel

Consent Corner 2.15

by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake

Hello, most esteemed readers!  Thank you for cuddling with us in this most consent-filled of corners.  

It’s June and that means Pride.  It’s a time for you to bask in the wonder that is you, with all of your lovely individual qualities.  And, while you’re at it, you can take some time to bask in the wonder that is your community, with all of the weird and wild people who are part of it.  We’re hoping that your community has a relatively high percentage of weird and wild people because, in our experience, they tend to be the most fun!  

We hope to see you at the Capitol Hill and Seattle Center Pride events on June 25 and 26 - we’ll be there!  And we’ll be at (and in) the Pride parade in Seattle on Sunday, June 26.  Celebrations abound all month long and celebrating with your community can create an upward spiral of even more joy and mutual appreciation.  

You’ll probably see some people you know, only you may not have known some aspect of them that is evidenced in a Pride celebration.  Remember that you need their explicit consent to refer to this new knowledge in the world at large.  Just because you know that they are XYZ (kinky, queer, ethically non-monogamous, poly, leather, etc.) doesn’t mean that they are out to the world.

Many people have justifiable concerns about how their employers, their family, or others in their community would react to this new knowledge.  A simple or playful tag on social media can cause people serious issues.  Even in this day and age, some people have morality clauses in their work contracts, others may be grappling with custody issues, and still others may find their housing situation suddenly jeopardized.  Please be mindful of how your words and actions can affect others’ lives.  

Homework:  Please celebrate your Pride in all the ways you possibly can.  Remember to celebrate mindfully and let a focus on consent be your guide.  We’d love to hear your favorite Pride stories - send them to:  info@thecspc.org.

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel

Consent Corner 2.14

by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake 

Hello again, sexy and sassy readers!  We hope you’re keeping it real, today and always.

We’ve been pondering the nature of authenticity recently, as we’ve had occasion to participate in events that more traditionally appeal to a younger demographic than yours truly.  Has this ever happened to you:  you’re somewhere and suddenly you feel different from others around you?  Maybe you belong to a different race or gender.  Maybe your cultural background or sexual orientation is different from almost everyone else’s.  Maybe you’re: younger, older, wearing a mask, not wearing a mask, wearing a veil, or “fill in the blank here.”  Have you ever felt like an outsider or thought that you might not belong there?  

In our view, authenticity means that you’re showing up in the world as your true self.  You know who you are and who you aren’t.  You’re aware of what you like and what you don’t like quite as much.  Authenticity is keeping it real.  

You don’t owe the world or anyone else any more or less than that.  When you show up in the world as your authentic self, you give the world a chance to adore you just as you are.  And, how amazing is that?  

Consent agreements work when all participants are true to themselves.  Good consent happens when real people are involved in the process.  And, where there’s good consent, good pleasure almost always follows. 

Homework:  please practice keeping it real, and share your real experiences with us (for real) at:  info@thecspc.org.

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel

Consent Corner 2.13

by Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake

Hello again!  It’s officially spring and we couldn’t be happier.  We hope you’re digging it too.  

Springtime seems to bring thoughts of newness - everything old is new again, right?  It’s getting easier to enjoy the wonders that nature has to offer.  

How does the thought of kinky camping sound to you?  Got a new play partner and want to spend a weekend exploring each other?  Want to try out a new toy?  Want to meet new and interesting people - people like you?  Want to spend a weekend with fifty or so of your favorite sex-positive friends?  

By popular demand, the CSPC’s kinky camping event - The Frolic - is back!  It’ll happen in July (22-24) and in August (5-7).  

And we’re excited to tell you that Consent Corner will be there, helping you hone your consent skills.  You heard it here first - tell your friends!  It’s just one more reason to take some time to savor our sex-positive community.  

Homework:  check your calendar and see which of the CSPC Frolic dates works for you - it might be both of them!  Follow up as desired. 

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel

Consent Corner 2.12

By Emma Atkinson and Rachel Drake

Hello dear readers!  As ever, thank you for joining us on our consent-related musings.  We hope you’re as fine as frog’s hair - and that's pretty darn fine.

So, COVID-19’s been kicking our collective butts, right?  At least with respect to our capacity, autonomy, and agreements in our consent framework, it has.

Maybe you’ve noticed some significant reductions in your capacity to make good consent decisions.  Have you experienced the need to shift your plans as personal health issues appear and reappear?  Have your plans changed as virus variants emerged?  There seems to be so much uncertainty about the pandemic’s impacts, both in the short and the long term.  

The threat of COVID infection has also reduced our personal autonomy.  We’re all trying to make the best possible decisions and respect our own and others’ autonomy.  For those in higher risk groups - people with compromised immune systems, for example - consent decisions can be a matter of life or death.  Yeesh!  

And what do our existing consent agreements look like now?  Does it feel sometimes- as Rilke suggests in a poem - like we’re standing on fishes?  Does what we thought was solid footing seem to be giving way to unexpected shifts and turns?  

We’ve got lots of questions.  Answers?  Not so many.  Fortunately you’re clever enough to discover the right answers for you, keeping in mind that last week’s answers might not work for you this week.  Perhaps repeating the mantra “change is good'' might bring you some comfort.  Personally, we’ve probably said it a million times already, and we think it might finally be starting to sink in.   We trust that you’ll learn it much more quickly. 

Homework:  resolve to be gentle with yourself and others as you explore the pandemic’s twists and turns and variants.  And stay safe and stay sexy as we all figure out what the new normal will look like.  Got a COVID story or an idea about the new normal to share?  We’d love to hear from you at:  info@thecspc.org.

“Be excellent to each other” - Bill and Ted

“Be sexcellent to each other” - Emma and Rachel