CSPC Hard at Work During Social Distancing

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I interviewed Skitty, the CSPC’s newest board member, to ask about how the Center is weathering the COVID-19 crisis, as well as to inquire about her social distancing garb today.

Skitty: Is that a round-about way of asking me what I’m wearing?

7: Yes. Roll with it. The readers want to know.

S: I’m wearing a tie-dyed hoodie that says “SCRW 2018,” from a sex-positive event I go to every summer, but which has been canceled this year due to social distancing.

7: That is sad, but it’s a good segue to my next question: How is the CSPC dealing with all the changes these past few months?

S: Parties have been the main way the CSPC helped the community come together in recent years, so losing those events has had a huge impact. Even before social distancing orders were in place, there were heartfelt discussions within the board about what direction we needed to go, followed by initial scrambling to cancel events. It’s especially disappointing because we’d planned to increase the number of parties starting in March.

We’ve put a hold on everybody’s memberships so that they’re not paying for a period when parties are not occurring. That’s the right thing for us to do, but it also puts us in peril. No tickets are being sold and virtually no membership renewals are happening, while we continue to have ongoing costs. We’re in a loss period right now, so we’re thinking of creative ways for the organization to weather this storm. It’s important that we be here when this is all over.

After the governor’s order, we also needed to look at running the monthly board meeting online. We realized that the need for a virtual board meeting was an opportunity for us to better serve the community. A lot of preparation went into clearing the technical hurdles, advertising in a timely manner, and gathering community feedback prior to our first virtual meeting. It was the highest attendance we’ve ever had at a board meeting, in part because location, parking, and travel time were no longer factors. Our plan is to continue to offer virtual participation even after the stay at home order lifts.

7: How is the CSPC preparing for life after the ban on gatherings is no longer in place?

S: No one is sure when this is going to end or what the long-term effects will be. So we have to figure out how to best be a community within the new reality.

We’re looking at things like gathering sizes, activities, and of course our sanitation protocols so we can improve them to the level we’ll need when we’re sharing spaces again. We’re going to need policies for things like hand sanitizer, hand washing procedures and facilities, best practices for cleaning of equipment, as well as other items like pens  – everything from top to bottom.

7: Pun intended?

S: Ha ha! It will be also important to know what people’s concerns and priorities will be when we do start getting together again. With a better idea of what people want to get back to and what their comfort levels are, we can try to accommodate that in the safest way possible. 

It’s worth mentioning that we’ve discussed the feasibility of virtual events from day one. One of the CSPC’s primary concerns has always been protecting the privacy of its members, and this is new territory with novel challenges. We can get behind virtual events if there is demand for them from the community, and if there are members with the necessary expertise who we can assist to get an event off the ground in such a way that everybody is aware of any risks.

7: When can we expect in-person parties to start again?

S: We do not anticipate holding any in-person events in the month of May. We’re as eager as anybody to get back with our friends and playmates, but we have to be patient and prioritize the safety of everyone. Some of the way forward will be determined by city, county, and state leaders. However, there’s a huge amount of work for us to do in the meantime.

This crisis has highlighted the importance of the CSPC being a community center. At our events, members get to express themselves and aspects of their sexuality authentically, and present the way they feel inside. We’re looking at how we can continue to support members until we’re again able to offer a safe space for that.

7: Speaking of safe spaces, any comment on the search for a new CSPC location?

S: We are looking for a new venue which would allow us to hold a greater variety of events and gatherings, at different times and days of the week. We would have permanent use of the space, which would mean less worry about ticket sales covering the cost of a rental. This would allow us to open our doors to small groups of say, ten people who want to gather, which is potentially a safer first exercise than trying to pack a party with seventy-five people.

A couple of board members are leading the search for a new location, and have spent a lot of time scouting properties. We’re considering factors like having more available parking, access from public transportation, etc. And of course, it’s important to have a place we can call our home. It would give us flexibility to build out the space to best meet the community’s needs. 

7: That would be great. I’ve seen board members continue to volunteer a lot of time during this period, and I’d like to extend that into a wider call to action for our members. Can you help provide one?

S: Yes. We’re prioritizing communications right now, and we’ve assembled a brand new communications team, currently made up of six volunteers. Internally, we’re working on keeping members and volunteers informed (including sending out this newsletter on a regular basis), seeking feedback and ideas, and making it easier for our members to become involved if they want to help out, because we’re all volunteers at the CSPC. 

We’re also working on our outward communications with the sex-positive community as a whole. This includes improvements to and more content for our web site, increased activity on social media, and monitoring of various platforms so that we can engage in a timely manner with people who reach out to us.

The purpose of the communications effort is to have a free exchange of ideas, so the CSPC reflects what its members want it to be. We are all stewards of the organization. Not everybody can volunteer, but people can also give input, donate, and help spread the word. And of course once we have in-person events going they can come out to parties, participate, and have fun.

The community is ours to shape, and it’s up to all of us to sustain it. If you’d like to volunteer some time and expertise to the communications team, or if you have an interest in or idea about any sort of volunteer leadership role, please let me know via email at SkittyCSPC@gmail.com.

LaQueer Incident Update

After a hectic winter, the board is moving again on processing the LaQueer incident that occurred on 8/3/19. You can get caught up on happenings up to this point here and here. 

In November, a task force was created to audit and rewrite CSPC policy and procedures to reflect the current needs of the organization. At the time of this writing, they have invested 216 volunteer hours focused on reviewing and updating process. The team consists of board members, volunteers, members, and community leaders. They have already updated general party rules and are currently examining volunteering guidelines. Next in the queue will be conflict resolution, party logistics, and emergency procedures. All updates to the CSPC policy and procedure documents are reviewed by key stakeholders, such as team leads and volunteers as well as the Board of Directors, and will be made publicly available in an effort to receive ongoing accountability from the community at large. If you want to be a part of the task force, contact policy@thecspc.org, as the task force operates on a project-basis and regularly incorporates new members as they are able to.

In accordance with Transformational Accountability, the CSPC board has prepared proposed action plans for those involved in the LaQueer incident. These are neither mandates nor punishments, but a proposed guide for regaining trust from the community and a potential path back to full CSPC participation. Participants are being asked to collaborate on their action plans. They may request modified or alternate actions, or can decline to engage. Their involvement with the organization will be limited accordingly. We will report on the paths selected by participants, along with a timeline if applicable.

Thank you again for your patience during our ongoing effort to make the Center a more enriching and enjoyable place for kink.

Center for Sex Postive Culture Statement

The Center for Sex Positive Culture learned of the illegal actions and arrest of Marius Hamilton yesterday morning, January 18th, 2020.  We are horrified by his actions and the harm he has caused his victims and our community. 

Marius was a member and event coordinator at the CSPC until September of 2015.  As far as the current board knows, no one associated with CSPC leadership knew of the illegal and horrific actions taking place outside the Center, or he would have been removed immediately. 

The CSPC stands for consenting adults making decisions for themselves about their sexuality.  At no time do we condone sexual acts with minors. 

LA QUEER INCIDENT PROGRESS

Greetings sex positive community,
It’s been a while and we’d like to give you an update to the La Queer party incident that happened on 8/3/19. If you haven’t yet, please read the 9/4 update for context, including a rundown Transformative Accountability and how we’re implementing it.

As a reminder, according to CSPC policy we uphold the privacy and anonymity of our members. We hope to shed light on the organization’s activity, while obscuring the identities of those involved.

The last month has been slow moving. The Board of Directors (BoD) was hit hard with burnout, family issues, serious health concerns, and demanding day jobs...frankly all things that must be prioritized over our volunteer positions. We are still committed to the original gameplan, and have made modest progress, including some important steps forward. 

The auditing and information gathering phase of the inquiry is complete. 

So far, we have invested approximately the following into this Transformational Accountability process: approximately 24 people have contributed, 7 in person meetings, 10 group phone calls, 673 emails, and 300 person hours.

We will soon begin to review the findings and develop action plans for the parties involved, including the CSPC itself. The purpose of an action plan is to offer participants a path that involves demonstrating sufficient introspection and growth in order to rebuild collective confidence in their capacity for healthy participation in our community. Participants are free to accept or decline their offer, and the BoD will graciously accommodate these wishes. In the interest of privacy, it will be at the discretion of each participant whether their action plan, and the implications of accepting or declining, will be made public. 

Though we are still working out the CSPC’s action plan, we would love your help in holding the organization accountable. Our decisions have played a significant role in creating the environments that led to the La Queer incident. The insufficiency of our policy and procedures, coupled with pushing an untenable party schedule, put undue stress on ourselves (the BoD), leadership, the volunteer corp, and ultimately the members. We will soon begin reviewing, rewriting, and supplementing the organization’s policies and procedures so that we can operate in a more affirming, community-fostering, and sustainable manner. It is crucial that we have involvement from outside of the BoD to ensure that diverse voices have a say. This will perhaps be the single biggest opportunity for you to shape the future of the CSPC.

How would you change CSPC policy? We need your help. 
Apply to the Policy Task Force here.

Thank you again for your patience and desire to make the CSPC a better place.

The CSPC Board of Directors Progress Report

Note: Summaries are posted newest first. If you are catching up, start at the bottom.

Working On

1. Ongoing party administration

2. Create roadmap of phase 2 of the TA process and inquiry, examining CSPC policies and incident reporting.

3. Proceed with phase 2 of the TA process and inquiry.

4. September Newsletter.

5. Review applicants for Operations Manager position.

Week of Sept 9, 2019

• Operations manager listing closed. Processing applications.

• Board officer reports written and collected.

• Board meeting cancelled due to multiple illnesses. Held informal discussion instead. No votes held. 

• Recruiting communications help.

Week of Sept 2, 2019

• Deliberation on how new Transformative Accountability inquiry processes must navigate old, potentially outdated, yet binding CSPC policy.

• Meetings with inquiry participants

• Actions based on member input: Drafted, approved, and posted the La Queer incident update. (Suggested at 8/14 BoD meeting)

La Queer incident progress

We have reached the one month mark of the incident at the 8/3/19 La Queer party. To those involved in the Transformative Accountability process, thank you. It takes bravery and emotional labor to give testimony, provide constructive feedback, and support those in your circle. Though the undertaking can be turbulent, these are necessary steps for improving systems and culture.

According to CSPC policy, we uphold the privacy and anonymity of its members. The inquiry process and this statement are no exception. What follows is intended to reveal the organization’s actions while omitting identifying information.

It should be known that an extra layer of complexity exists with the inquiry we are conducting. The incident led to a conflict of interest between the CSPC and the Pan Eros Foundation, which is the organization that operates and rents out the Gallery Erato venue where we hold our parties. Despite this conflict of interest, the CSPC vows to proceed with the highest level of integrity and seeks to work toward the best possible outcome that assures growth and a healthy community for whoever is willing to rise to the occasion. The CSPC considers itself among those that need to operate at a higher standard.

The following is a timeline of incident responses:

1. 8/3/19: Incident at La Queer

2. 8/4: Posting on FetLife by one of the participants

3. 8/5: Emergency leadership meeting

   1. Reviewed the report, posts, emails, and relevant information

   2. Disclosed individual and organizational conflicts of interest, determined how each person should participate moving forward

   3. Created an action plan according to the Transformational Accountability (TA) framework

4. 8/5-8/7: Posts and comments were deleted from CSPC’s FetLife group due to discrimination, doxxing, and misinformation. New posting and commenting was disabled due to lack of leadership bandwidth to properly monitor. 

5. 8/6-8/19: Scheduled and received testimony from incident stakeholders. Processed asks of stakeholders regarding the incident and how they were willing to participate. Evidence documented and evaluated according to CSPC’s HR policy.

6. 8/12-8/14: BoD prepared for what could be an influx of attendees at the 8/14 Board Meeting. Processes were created and extra time given to ensure all voices who wished to speak would be heard.

7. 8/14: Board Meeting. Common narratives included the need to make safer spaces for our queer members, and how volunteers are burning out due to a dearth in numbers and insufficient processes...which are not unrelated matters. 

8. 8/16: House Rules posters for parties were created and posted at the All In party as well as at all future CSPC parties. (Suggested at 8/14 BoD meeting)

9. 8/19: Internal incident report submitted by EC Lead to BoD

10. 8/20-ongoing: Event booking process transitioning to requiring proposed parties to have commitments for key volunteer positions before securing rental booking. This will more effectively ensure volunteers fit the party theme. (EC feedback)

11. 8/21: New FetLife group rules were drafted. 

12. 8/25: Decision reached to incorporate the report into a broader inquiry into current policy, including but not limited to historic incident reporting practices.  

13. 8/29: Incident participants put on sabbatical until BoD reaches resolution.

14. 8/31: Drafted, approved, and posted regular Progress Reports in an effort to improve transparency. (Suggested at 8/14 BoD meeting)

The BoD decided to engage with a Transformative Accountability process, which takes time. It carefully addresses personal biases, secondary trauma and self care as well as taking reports in ways that do not compound harm, conducting a fair inquiry, and designing a process where they are not re-victimizing people, compounding trauma or shunning "bad actors" but educating and assisting in monitoring better behavior patterns for all. Including the behaviors of the organization at large.

Transformative Accountability includes calling the community, organization and leadership into accountability to address their role in how an incident came about. It calls for a 360 inquiry as to where we need to make improvements to do better in the future to prevent repeat incidents. Transformative Accountability addresses the need for transparency, in instances where transparency is appropriate. It helps leaders identify how to best go about community transparency, for each unique situation, without violating the privacy, or autonomy, of those involved.

On 8/25, the BoD resolved to extend the inquiry beyond the isolated La Queer incident. This will involve auditing CSPC’s policies, procedures, and the culture that allowed this situation to occur. The inquiry will conclude with an action plan for the CSPC as well as the La Queer incident participants. Until then, participants have been placed on sabbatical from the CSPC as the BoD conducts a deeper inquiry.

To clarify a Transformative Accountability Sabbatical: A sabbatical is not "suspension" and is not intended to be punitive. A sabbatical, by definition is "a break or change from a normal routine"; and in an academic sense, a time used for rest, research and learning. In the Transformative Accountability process sabbatical is not being used interchangeably, in meaning, focus or to "soften” the word suspension. It is a time for the person who engaged in inappropriate behavior to take a break from actively engaging with the community at large to reflect and learn. As an organization, we have a responsibility to create a clear path for better practices and ensuring that those who participate in the CSPC are part of creating a safer space for the community at large.  We will be working one on one with leadership, and those involved in the incident if they choose to engage, on a plan for future participation at the CSPC.  

The CSPC is committed to taking necessary steps to improve the safety of our spaces. This is the organization’s highest priority outside of standard daily operation. Leadership have and will continue to put in “overtime” (we are all volunteers) to make timely progress, however we appreciate your patience as bandwidth is finite. 

There will soon be a call for members to join the Policy Disappearing Task Force to review current and create new policy that will better serve the needs of the CSPC community. This will be a unique opportunity to have a far reaching voice in how the organization operates. Stay tuned for more details.

Moving forward, the BoD will release a frequent Progress Report which will contain snippets of where we are with the inquiry. Monthly, there will be an Inquiry Report that compiles the above points in great detail, along with commentary and new disclosures. Both reports will be posted here.

Thank you again for caring about this process and the health of our community.

The CSPC Board of Directors Progress Report

Note: Weekly summaries are posted newest first. If you are catching up, start at the bottom.

Working On

1. Prepare and release a public statement regarding the Transformative Accountability process and inquiry.

2. Finalize and post August Newsletter

3. Create roadmap of phase 2 of the TA process and inquiry, examining CSPC policies and incident reporting.

4. Proceed with phase 2 of the TA process and inquiry.

5. Open Search and recruitment for FetLife monitor.

6. Review applicants for Operations Manager position.

Week of Aug 26, 2019

• Created a prioritized project queue, we currently have 29 critical projects lined up. Want to help? Contact president@theCSPC.org to help rebuild the CSPC.

• Much work has been done to move the La Queer inquiry forward, though it can’t be commented on quite yet. We have outlined a public statement to bring everyone up to speed, but it has yet to be drafted or approved. This release is our top priority at the moment.

• Actions based on member input: Drafted, approved, and posted weekly Progress Reports in an effort to improve transparency. (Suggested at 8/14 BoD meeting)

Week of Aug 19, 2019

• Event Coordinator Lead finished the La Queer internal incident report and provided it to BoD for review. (Note: Due to CSPC’s strict privacy policy, the report is unavailable to the public. However, a public statement will be made which will speak to its contents in general terms.)

• Decision reached to incorporate the report into a broader inquiry into current policy, including but not limited to historic incident reporting practices. 

• FetLife group rules were drafted. 

• Operations Manager job listing posted on various sites. 

• Coordinated BoD Gallery unlocking and registration prep for a month of parties during our operation manager's well deserved vacation.

• Actions based on member input: Transitioning to proposed parties being required to have commitments for key volunteer positions before securing rental booking. (EC feedback)

Week of Aug 12, 2019

• BoD prepared for what could be an influx of attendees at the 8/14 Board Meeting. Processes were created and extra time given to ensure all voices who wished to speak would be heard.

• Common narratives included the need to make safer spaces for our queer members, and how volunteers are burning out due to a dearth in numbers and insufficient processes...which are not unrelated matters. 

• Testimony from incident participants and stakeholders were, received, processed, and evaluated.

• Actions based on member input: House Rules posters for parties were created and implemented for the All In party (8/16) and to be posted at all future CSPC parties. (Suggested at 8/14 BoD meeting)

Week of Aug 5, 2019

• Following an incident at the La Queer party (8/3/19), BoD members caught up on the flurry of emails and public discourse. 

• An emergency leadership meeting took place to formulate a preliminary action plan for the incident itself as well as the inflammatory postings on the unmonitored CSPC FetLife group.

• Fet posting was disabled due to discrimination, doxxing, misinformation, and the lack of leadership bandwidth to properly monitor. 

• The Board adopted a Transformative Accountability process to explore and address the incident, which required rapid training of leadership and assessing current power dynamics and the historic context.

June Newsletter

Salutations Sunny Sweethearts! 

The CSPC Newsletter is here with your monthly update of all the fun happenings of your favorite sex-positive nonprofit. Check out our upcoming parties, learn about the benefits of volunteering, and see what you can do (in just two minutes!) to help our organization.  

Upcoming Events: 

All In Pan Party- Where anything goes and everyone is welcome. 

Friday July 12th from 8pm to midnight 

New Member Orientation at 7pm 

All In Pan Party- Another chance to attend this great event! 

Friday July 19th from 8pm to midnight 

New Member Orientation at 7pm

On the Edge- a party for your sharpest fantasies… 

Saturday, July 20th from 8pm to 1am 

New Member Orientation at 5pm

Femme SovereignTEA- a casually elegant tea party for dominant femmes and those who love to serve them. 

Sunday, July 21st

11am to 5pm for servers 

Noon to 4pm for Sovereign Femmes 

Volunteer Orientation and Registration Training- a great way to make friends and learn new skills. 

Thursday, July 25th

7-8pm Volunteer Orientation

8-9pm Registration Training

PAINS: Penny’s Academy for Incorrigible Naughty Sluts

Saturday, July 27th from 8pm to midnight

New Member Orientation at 7pm

Fresh Meet- A great party to make new friends and try new things. 

Friday August 2nd from 8pm to midnight 

Passport Meeting at 7pm

New Member Orientation at 6pm (get your tickets early, this event sells out fast!) 

La Queer- An LGBTQIA party!

Saturday, August 3rd at 8pm  

New Member Orientation at 7pm

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! Check out our Events Page and see the parties we have lined up for the next three months! 

Lost & Found Items

Looking for something you left behind at a CSPC event? Current items can be found here. If you see something that belongs to you, you can either pick it up by attending an event or by coming to the board meeting. Board meetings are the 2nd Wednesday of the month at 7pm at Gallery Erato. Items that haven't been claimed for 2 months will be disposed of.

Got 2 minutes? Take a Survey and Help the CSPC! 

If you’re looking to contribute to the CSPC, but you don’t have the time to volunteer or the funds to donate, you can still do us a giant favor by taking our monthly survey. Your answers will help inform our decisions as an organization and keep an eye on the issues important to you. The best part? It will only take 2 minutes. 

This Month’s Survey

One of the best ways to normalize a lifestyle or people group is to be open about it. Having a queer or kinky friend, for example, makes a person far more likely to support the entire marginalized group. Who are you currently out to? Who do you want to come out to? Answers are anonymous.  Let us know.

Make Friends and Build a Better Community for All:  

Are you a person who has been positively impacted by your experience at the CSPC? Are you looking to connect with more people and build a community of friends in the sex positive scene?  Come volunteer with us! Not only does volunteering help integrate new folks into our community, but it also gets you into the party for free! Our next volunteer orientation is on July 25th. 

The Party of Your Dreams Can Be a Reality!    

Is there a specific event that the CSPC should host? Is there an event from the old space that you miss? The Programming committee is looking for enthusiastic people to get the ball rolling on bringing new (and old) parties to life at the CSPC. They will help you plan, staff, and host your very own CSPC party! All it takes is a great idea and a can-do attitude. Email programming@thecspc.org to get started. 

Let’s Get Personal

This month we have a special addition to the CSPC Blog. Giovanna is a relatively new member of the CSPC, but her journey of kink exploration leading to greater self-acceptance is one that might strike a chord with many of our members. Read about her introduction to our community, and about how the CSPC helped her discover more of what makes her happy, on our website. If you have a story about the positive impact of sex positivity or the CSPC that you’d like to share on our blog please reach out to grace@thecspc.org with a short summary of what you want to share. 

New Operations Manager

The Center for Sex Positive Culture has been an entirely volunteer run organization for the last 3 years. However, that has recently changed with the hiring of a very part-time interim Operations Manager. The leadership deemed it most prudent, reliable, and efficient to hand off day-to-day, critical tasks to a single dedicated individual. This marks a milestone in the Center's goal to reach long term sustainability, which we are very excited about. Our very own Sadie has stepped down from the CSPC Board to temporarily fill this role while we conduct a public search in the coming months. We will send out further communications with more details soon.

Questions or Comments?
If you have questions for the CSPC but you’re not sure who to contact, check out the CSPC Directory for contact info and the areas of focus for each of our board members. For general feedback, please use feedback@theCSPC.org.

That’s all for this month. We hope to see you at an upcoming event!
Sincerely,
The CSPC Board of Directors

CSPC President | Membership Info | General Feedback | Full Directory

What Kink Did for Me as a Transwoman

In the entire time I’ve been with the CSPC, I’ve been privileged to be a part of one of the most accepting and loving communities I’ve ever interacted with. I’ve made friends, had fun with many partners, and most importantly learned more about myself. But with all that, I have definitely noticed a lack of knowledge among a lot of members in our community towards the LGBTQIA community. I hope that through my writing, I can help better inform our community about the trans community. We are a small minority of a minority in the world, and as such, it’s important for trans people like me to get their stories out. I think the best place to start, is the most personal to me, and the one I know the most about.

I fully came out as trans less than a year ago, and started Hormone Replacement Therapy a few months after that. One of the biggest changes I was forced to undergo was a complete overhaul of how I experienced my sexuality. When I identified as a Cis-Man (Cis referring to comfortable in one’s assigned gender) my sexual interests were blunt. Everything was in service to reaching the finish line, getting my rocks off, and moving on. While foreplay was something I occasionally engaged in, it was never the part of sex I was looking forward to, and despite this being what my brain saw sex as, I was never satisfied mentally with this routine. It was as if two separate people were warring in my mind, and this resulted in constant sexual frustration. 

This completely changed as I underwent my hormone therapy. As my testosterone was blocked out and estrogen began to take more and more control, I began craving so much more from sex, and very little of it involved the previous vanilla acts I was used to. I became a cuddle bunny, completely enamored with the idea of simply snuggling up with someone. I began finding more sexual satisfaction from pleasing my partners rather than receiving. However, it wasn’t until I was able to work up the courage to attend my first CSPC party that I really began becoming in tune with my sexuality. 

As I got deeper in the kink community, I found myself enjoying kinks I never thought I would be into. I found I liked impact play. I found I liked rope. I found I liked getting talked down to, and I still often find more to like as I continue attending events. But why has all of this become such a major part of my life? Many reasons are ones that I share with those I’ve spoken to in the broader kink community, such as having the ability to safely relinquish control during a rope scene, bringing much needed relief from a life routine full of important decision making. Impact play giving me an avenue to use aggression and receive aggression in a way that is fully consensual for all parties. However, there’s several reasons unique to my experience as a transwoman that led me to this lifestyle.

When my sexuality started fluxing, I found myself in deeper conflict with myself than I had before HRT. I was finally able to begin expressing my true self, but I also found that sex had become a much more complicated endeavor. From birth, the vast majority of us are expected to follow very strict gender guidelines. “Girls do this, boys do that” and that extends to sex. The stereotypes I was raised with was that men are supposed to be the dominant one in bed, and women the passive. Now obviously this doesn’t account for the non-binary folks, but societal norms only recently have begun adapting to the reality of the gender spectrum. 

I found myself struggling with my identity constantly. I’m a switch, I love being on both ends of most scenes, but I found that I was massively uncomfortable any time I was assuming a dominant role. I felt as if I was betraying myself, “reverting” to before I had come out, and that my partner was not seeing me as a woman. I was in a monogamous relationship at the time, and my insecurities were increased tenfold by the fact that my partner had known me as a man for 8 years. Finding the kink community offered me a safe space to both confront my insecurities and embrace my sexuality in full. I got to be with people who met me and knew me first and foremost as a woman. It was an amazingly validating experience, but even when I first joined the CSPC, I mostly stuck to vanilla experiences. While these experiences were fun in their own right, I would still find myself regretting taking a dominant role, and having those negative feelings bubble back up. 

My first true kink experience was being able to act as a rope sub for an experienced dom, and even in the short time we spent together, something crucial happened that finally brought me some degree of peace with my sexuality. In being rendered immobile and vulnerable to this person, I finally felt my womanhood become one with my sexuality and I decided to even further immerse myself in kink. I found myself enjoying impact play soon after, something I had never thought I would even try, let alone like, and I was even able to dominate without my dysphoria peaking sinisterly around the corner. Being able to engage in a sexual act that did not involve my genitals completely altered my perspective on my sexuality, in a much needed way. I was finally able to embrace my womanhood through my sexuality, see both sides of my desires, those of a dom and a sub as equally an unequivocally female. My evolution of sorts, culminated in a particularly great night where I fully dominated someone, getting to scratch them, spank them, order them to fulfill my urges, and came out feeling like a valid woman.

Kink is more than just a fun past time. It most certainly is that, but for many of us, it offers so much emotional release, bonding experiences, or any number of other things. For me, it offered me a chance to finally come into my own sexuality as a woman. To embrace who I am, and to not let the various societal biases I was raised with prevent myself from achieving happiness. This extended beyond just the sexual realm, I also became more confident in my daily life, with feelings of “betraying my womanhood” by showing my assertive side largely erased. I can’t speak for anyone else but myself, but from the trans people I have met in my sexual misadventures, a common story is how kink played a great role in allowing them to feel at peace with their identity.